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Managing Our Window Of Tolerance

1/25/2022

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Last week's post explained the concept of the window of tolerance and the importance of working toward staying within the optimal range of our window of tolerance. Staying within this optimal zone requires self-awareness and skills. It's the ability to tend to our needs and regulate our arousal level to match the situation.

There are things we can do to help us regulate and stay within our window, as well as things we can do to help expand our window. This means i
dentifying and practicing small things that nudge us in the right direction. Below are some ideas to help keep us from shifting outside the window of tolerance, as well as ideas for how we can work to expand our window of tolerance.

Ideas to Calm and Keep From Shifting to Hyper-Arousal
When you notice that you are becoming hyper-aroused and finding it increasingly difficult to stay calm, you can use this as a signal that you are coming close to the upper edge of your window of tolerance and that you need to intervene. The first step is to identify and name, as accurately as you can, your emotional experience.

Although different people prefer different approaches, in general, calming imagery and soothing skills and grounding techniques are generally helpful to bring a person out of hyper-arousal back down into their optimal zone. The goal is to effectively release the intense emotions. Here are some activities that help to do this:


  • ​Slow, deep breathing exercises
  • Journaling...it's therapeutic and helps to process thoughts and feelings and to gain perspective
  • Yoga...the combination of movement, breath work and mindfulness has been found to help with regulation and with healing of trauma
  • Vigorous exercise
  • Connecting to nature​

Ideas to Activate and Keep From Shifting to Hypo-Arousal
Signals that you may be entering hypo-arousal is when you feel like withdrawing or like you are ‘shutting down’. If this is the case, use this as a ‘signal’ that you are coming close to the edge of your window of tolerance and need to intervene. 
The first step is to identify and name, as accurately as you can, your emotional experience. 

For some people, connecting with others can be a useful way to counter their desire to withdraw. For others (particularly those with significant interpersonal traumas) connecting with others when distressed may be challenging because others either may be emotionally unavailable or may be perceived as aversive or threatening. Regardless, it is helpful to have thought ahead about how you would like to respond. 

The goal is to optimally stimulate our brain and nervous system in a healthy and empowering manner that will shift us out of this state in away that feels good for us. Here are some activities that can help create this shift:

  • Movement/exercise
  • Safely stimulating the senses (essential oils, cold water, etc.)
  • Creative outlets such as finger painting and drawing
  • Playing uplifting music/dancing
  • Yoga...the combination of movement, breath work and mindfulness has been found to help with regulation and with healing of trauma
  • Self-compassion techniques

​Ideas to Expand Our Window of Tolerance
The wider we can expand our window of tolerance, the more resilient we can become in the face of life's challenges. In order to increase our window of tolerance, a good starting point is to begin to be aware of the ‘cues’ or the ‘signals’ that you are becoming either hyper-, or hypo- aroused as noted above. 

Expanding our window of tolerance is a long-term commitment of creating greater self-awareness, emotional intelligence, understanding of triggers and limiting beliefs, and healing from trauma. These are all key steps to both regulating and expanding our window of tolerance. 
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Window of Tolerance

1/15/2022

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“Window of Tolerance” is a term originated by Dr. Dan Siegel and is used to describe brain and body reactions and describe the zone of arousal in which a person is able to function most effectively. When people are within this zone, they are typically able to readily receive, process, and integrate information and otherwise respond to the demands of everyday life without much difficulty.

The size of our ‘window’ depends upon how much we are able to tolerate mild fluctuations in mood, energy levels, and the challenges and demands of life, while remaining in this "Optimal Zone". T
he ‘wider’ we can expand our window of tolerance, the more resilient we can become in the face of life’s challenges.

Each individual's window of tolerance is different, we don't get to choose how wide the window of tolerance we are born with is...different people are born with different brains and capacities. Also, adverse events in early childhood and throughout our lives can shape our brains and affect the width of our window of tolerance. 

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Those who have a narrow window of tolerance may often feel as if their emotions are intense and difficult to manage. Others with a wider window of tolerance may be able to handle intense emotions or situations without feeling like their ability to function has been significantly impacted.
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When in the optimal zone, we are calm but alert and engaged in what we are doing. Stress and threat shrink the window of tolerance. When we are outside of our window of tolerance, it's very difficult to take in new information. This is because these states of hyper-arousal and hypo-arousal are ancient physiological survival mechanisms.

The stress of a traumatic or otherwise negative event may have the effect of “pushing” a person out of their window of tolerance. People who have experienced a traumatic event may respond to stressors, even minor ones, with extreme hyper- or hypo-arousal. They may come to believe the world is unsafe and operate with a window of tolerance that has become narrow as a result. A narrowed window of tolerance may cause someone to perceive danger more readily and react to real and imagined threats with either a fight/flight response or a freeze response.

For people who have experienced significant stress or trauma, it's common for the brain to become ‘stuck’ in high levels of activation or deactivation. People who frequently operate outside of their window of tolerance may experience mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety.

Next week's post will highlight some ideas for how to manage our window of tolerance and spend more time in the optimal zone. 
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Diagrams taken from the article "Your Window of Tolerance" written by Mindfulness & Clinical Psychology Solutions.
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The Nervous System And Emotion Regulation

1/11/2022

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According to Paul Gilbert, PhD, we have three types of emotion regulation systems … Threat System, Drive System, and Soothing System. When we are stuck in a painful cycle, it’s often because these three systems are out of balance. Many of us spend the majority of our time stuck in the threat and drive systems and this can lead to distress. For us to perform optimally, these three systems need to be in balance. 

If the threat system is on all the time, our brain activates the flight or fight response and sends cortisol streaming through our body. This is great when we come up against an actual life or death threat but not when we’re navigating a typical day.

The drive system is incentive and resource-focused. It activates us to work towards things that we want or seek to achieve. It is stimulated by dopamine production. We can overstimulate our dopamine through unproductive use such as an addiction to video-gaming or social media where we need more and more and then get stuck in overdrive. 

The most overlooked part of the three circle model is the soothing system. Modulated by oxytocin, often called the “love hormone”, it’s responsible for connection, feeling safe and content.

Give consideration to the size of each of your three circles. Are they in balance or is your soothing system smaller than the threat and drive systems? If your system is out of balance,  one strategy is to practice the drop-in technique. The drop-in technique is a strategy to regulate your emotional experience through three quick steps. To use the Drop In Mindfulness Technique take three centering breaths and ask yourself three core questions:
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  • What am I actually experiencing right now? (thinking, feeling, sensations)
  • How am I relating to that? (curious and accepting or resisting and judging/caught in it/stuck)
  • Given this, what's a wise and kind way to respond to myself right now? What do I need at this moment? Consider exercising some self-compassion here. What tools do you have in your tool box that help you to self-sooth and regulate your nervous system? Possibly taking a few minutes to practice a breathing meditation would be a wise and kind way to respond to yourself.

Drop in with yourself as many times as you can throughout the day...breathe three centering breaths, ask the three core questions, and follow your advice.
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Kick Off The New Year Inspiring Others

1/4/2022

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Do you think it's possible to change other people? There came a point in my younger adult life where I decided that it was impossible to change other people. Then I realized that my beliefs, actions, words and behaviors could affect change in other people. Maybe not in huge dramatic shifts, but certainly in consistent smaller ripples that over time create bigger waves of change. 

I believe that if I practice forgiveness that others around me will be more inclined to practice forgiveness too. I believe if I practice being compassionate that those around me will be influenced to practice compassion as well. I believe that if I am loving and kind and grateful that those around me will pick up on being more loving and kind and grateful themselves. I believe in the possibility of impacting and creating ripples with people whose path I cross. 

Research and science provide evidence that when it comes to happiness and positivity that we can positively impact change in others. Shawn Achor, a happiness researcher, author, and speaker known for his advocacy of positive psychology, suggests several ways to inspire positive change in others. His tips allow for subtle shifts, gentle ripples of change. Here  are his suggestions for creating shifts in others toward positivity and happiness.


Praise Habit - Praise one person new each day about a strength they posses and how they are using it. This quick habit is a powerful way to inspire happiness and a deep sense of confidence, one person at a time. 

The Power Lead - When you initiate a conversation, or a meeting, or any interaction start it off with something positive and optimistic. It establishes the trajectory for the rest of the conversation. Due to the mirror neuron effect the other person will typically respond in kind. We are modeling that positive behavior. It helps to set the tone for how that person sees the world. Something as simple as…”Hey it’s a great day, how are you doing?” 

There are multiple realities all the time. It’s important to choose the valuable reality and share that as your power lead, instead of sharing the negative reality. When we prioritize making a difference in the world, then we find meaning and that builds our happiness. 


The Positive Lead - Ask questions that don’t lead people to a specific answer, you are just leading them to positive territory. Instead of “how was your day?” ask “what was the best part of your day?” They can then scan their day and look for the positive. I especially love this one with my kids.

The 10/5 Way - This is a simple habit that entails acknowledging the other person. Here's how it works, when you are about to pass someone on the sidewalk or in a hallway, when you are 10 feet away initiate eye contact and then at 5 feet away say “hello”. It's a simple gesture that builds social connection. Studies have shown company morale to substantially increase with the implementation of just this one small gesture. 

Joy versus Junk - People bond more over joy than they do junk. If you know what motivates and brings someone joy than you bond with them more. Find ways to have conversations about joy more than about junk. Shift the water cooler talk to something positive. Strong social connections create happier lives.

Social Happy Hour - Invite a group of 2-3 friends/co-workers to have a conversation about what causes them the most happiness in their lives right now and what motivates them to wake up in the morning.

Some of the most meaningful and powerful moments of change in our life occur in the midst of deep connection. But in our fast paced world, it is easy for conversations to sometimes revolve around the “what” instead of the “why,” or focus on the fires we need to put out instead of the joy in the present moment. 

For the Social Happy Hour, your goal is to create connection around happiness. Have a conversation about what causes the most happiness in their lives right now, what they are grateful for, and what challenging negativity they might face. 

Research shows we feel much more connected to people when we know the motivation, rather than the gossip, on the people around us. 

Wave and/or Smile Campaign - A simple one second behavioral change can transform a whole community. Wave and/or smile as you pass by your neighbors and co-workers. 

Creating Victories - The key to getting other people to change their behavior is to give their brain a victory. We’ve got to get that first win before we can move people in a positive direction. Sometimes we get wins at work or at home and we don’t even know it because no one is telling us, no one is praising us. The only thing we may hear is the negative letting us know the things we aren’t doing or the things we are doing wrong or need to do better.

Shawn Achor says that if you wait for the outcome to celebrate, you’ve waited too long. Don’t praise and celebrate the outcomes, praise and celebrate the process and the behavior that led to those outcomes. The outcomes will change. An example would be of a child doing well on a spelling test. If you praise and celebrate the grade you are limiting their potential because they’ll be afraid to take a risk, they’ll be afraid of failure, they’ll play it safe in order to receive the praise. 
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Positive to Negative Interactions - Research indicates that a ratio of 5:1 of positive interactions to negative interactions is necessary in order to maintain a healthy relationship and for a team to work at its maximum potential. Five deposits into the bank of positivity for every one withdrawal of negativity or criticism.

I encourage you to go ahead and test drive some, or all of these suggestions for inspiring happiness, positivity and change in others. Create a ripple of goodness out into the world through your actions, your behaviors. I believe that my beliefs, thoughts, actions and behaviors do impact others. They do change others. They do change the world. Change YOUR mind, change the WORLD.
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