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All My Babies Have Left The Nest

8/31/2021

Yesterday was a milestone day as we moved our third and last off to college. Wow, those 18 years flew by so fast!

As I sit here and write, the house is quiet. It's strange, the beginning of a new chapter in this thing called life. Like most transitions it feels unfamiliar and I'm filled with a mix of emotions. Some of the emotions would be considered positive and some might be considered negative, but all of them are okay ... not bad or something to avoid or distract myself from.

If you're going through a life transition or a challenging time right now here are a few tips for looking at your emotions as a source of data, so you can move through them without getting stuck in them.

Emotions contain information about your personal values and needs. Consider asking yourself ... What is it that I need and value? Use this information to help create perspective, cope and determine a wise action plan or response.

It can also helpful to identify your typical action tendency associated with the challenging emotion. Emotions are associated with urges to act and typically we fall into patterns. For instance, anger might cause the urge (action tendency) to attack, fear might cause the urge to avoid or escape, sadness might cause the urge to overeat or to not eat at all, etc. The more we are aware of our emotions and their action tendency, the easier it is to help ourselves pick actions that serve us better.

When we are aware of the action tendency associated with an emotion and look at the emotion as a source of information about our needs and values, we can make choices that will allow us to accept and move through the emotion with greater ease.

This new season of life will take some getting use to as do all transitions. I'm going to be looking to my emotions for information and making intentional choices as I enter this next chapter.

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What Did I Do Spiritually Today?

8/24/2021

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During busy or challenging times in life, we can fall prey to running on the hamster wheel of life and toss aside practices that can support us through the challenges. Practices that keep us propped up, energized and full to move through them with more grace and ease.

It's easy to make concessions in our schedule and stop exercising, getting enough rest, eating well, and it's easy to stop meditating, praying, being in a place of gratitude, letting go, asking for guidance, paying attention to our intuition, offering ourselves compassion.

We may fall prey to trying to control life and prioritize the busyness over our practices that can help to sustain us. When this happens it's easy for life to feel overwhelming and like it's spiraling out of control, so we try to control it even more.

A daily spiritual practice, especially during the messy challenging times is important. It doesn't have to be time-consuming or even the same each day, but practicing is key. It works best for me if I don't over-complicate it and allow my practice to be flexible.

I believe that a few minutes of daily spiritual practice will reap rewards ten-fold. It will buy you back the time you spent, it will keep you grounded and centered, it will help you be in the flow, it will keep you energized. When you are consistent with your spiritual practice you will be more productive and creative and life will unfold with a lot more ease.

Find the practices that resonate most with you. For me daily prayer, affirmations, meditation, gratitude, Reiki, stretching and exercise are my go to practices. I add in others on days where I have more time, but those are my consistent practices.

If you currently don't have a daily spiritual practice, I invite you to start one today. Give it a try for the next month and see how life shifts and changes for you.

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Perfectionism vs High Achievement

8/16/2021

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A common roadblock that keeps people from reaching their potential is the need to be perfect. Not only is this unrealistic, but perfectionism is very different from high achievement. You might be surprised to learn that perfectionists actually tend to be low achievers and have difficulty accomplishing their goals.

Striving for perfection can rob you of your peace of mind, enjoyment of life, and self-esteem. Its focus is less forgiving. Perfectionists beat themselves up for anything that appears to be lacking and this cheats them of satisfaction and pride of accomplishment.

One of the most significant problems that perfectionists face is the fear that if they stop shooting for perfection, they will become low achievers and they won’t accomplish their goals. Perfectionists actually achieve less than those with healthier mindsets. Their focus on perfection robs them of time and motivation and leads to procrastination and other self-sabotaging behaviors.

The biggest difference between perfectionism and high achievement is where your focus lies. If you strive for high achievement, you can be happy about your accomplishments, pat yourself on the back, and learn from your mistakes.

Awareness of perfectionistic tendencies is the first step in removing this roadblock that hinders you from reaching your goals. Below are some additional steps in working toward shedding perfectionism and maintaining a healthier attitude:

Make a list of all the ways perfectionism is hurting you (and those around you).
Become aware of your patterns. Consider recording your perfectionistic thoughts. This will help you become more aware of future perfectionistic thoughts as they pop up.
Soften your tendency to notice the bad by making a conscious effort to notice all that is good with your work and the achievement of others.
Alter your self-talk. Perfectionists tend to have a critical voice in their head telling them their work isn’t good enough. Work on changing this little voice to speak positively.
Take baby steps. Perfectionists tend to set goals of unreasonable excellence with no learning curve. Set small goals and reward yourself when you achieve them.
Enjoy the process. Focus more on the process of reaching toward a goal rather than just focusing on the goal itself.

Shedding the burden of having to be perfect allows for the potential of high achievement and greatly reduces stress.

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How Many Things Are We Missing?

8/10/2021

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A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace, and stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried up to meet his schedule. A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping, and continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work. The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32.

When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition. No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He had just played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

I invite you to stop and smell the flowers, to pause and listen to the music, to slow down and witness life happening around you. I invite you to step off the hamster wheel of life and to be more aware, to be present with yourself and those around you. I invite you to set down your phone, to look up from your computer screen and to bear witness to life, to connect with those around you. Let's look up and not miss the beauty that is around us.

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Embracing Emotional Agility Vs. Emotional Rigidity

8/2/2021

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If on average we speak 16,000 words each day, just imagine how many unspoken ones float through our minds every day! Most of these thoughts are not facts but rather perceptions and judgments entangled with emotions...some of these are positive while others are considered negative.

Messaging out in the world typically centers around being positive, that difficult thoughts and feelings have no place in our life. Research, however, has proven that attempting to minimize or ignore thoughts and emotions only amplifies them.

Author, psychologist, and executive coach Susan David introduces a concept that she terms “emotional agility,” defined as: “being flexible with your thoughts and feelings so that you can respond optimally to everyday situations.” In contrast to this ability is “emotional rigidity,” or the tendency to “get hooked by thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that don’t serve you.”

As Susan David states, "Emotional agility is not about ignoring difficult emotions and thoughts; it's about holding them loosely, facing them courageously and compassionately, and then moving past them to make big things happen in your life." The ability to manage one’s thoughts and feelings is essential to success. Emotional agility helps to alleviate stress, reduce errors, increase innovative, and improve job performance.

Susan David presents a four-step model to building greater emotional agility:

1. Show up and face your emotions with curiosity and acceptance. Even though you may be tempted to ignore the uncomfortable ones, face them anyway, this clears the way for positive change.

2. Step out and detach from your emotions. This detachment will enable you to feel more autonomous over your actions and decisions. See them for what they are, simply emotions, not who you are. In doing so, label them as accurately as possible, this will help you to better understand their causes and what to do about them.

3. Walking your why. Use your core values to drive you forward. When deciding on what action to take, ask yourself whether this decision reflects your core values and long term goals.

4. Moving on. In moving forward, make small, purposeful adjustments to align your mindset, motivation and habits with your core values. Make sure that these adjustments are connected to who you want to be in your life.

As Susan David says, “We reach emotional agility…through a series of tiny steps in everyday moments over the course of a lifetime.” Being aware and intentional with our choices and remembering that we can always choose again.

To learn more about emotional agility consider Susan David's book Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life.

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All My Babies Have Left The Nest

What Did I Do Spiritually Today?

Perfectionism vs High Achievement

How Many Things Are We Missing?

Embracing Emotional Agility Vs. Emotional Rigidity

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