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Forgiveness...Facing The Choice And The Pain

4/27/2021

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Do you struggle with forgiveness? I certainly have. Holding onto grudges, resentments, anger and bitterness, ruminating over our stories of past hurts and injustice can quickly rob us of our peace and happiness. We know it's important to overall well-being and happiness and yet sometimes it can seem so hard! The injustice, the wound, the hurt feelings ughhh! I'm a kind and decent person, it's just feels so unfair sometimes!

It depends on the situation, some things are easier to forgive than others. I struggle with forgiveness if I feel I'm owed a heartfelt apology and I don't get one, or if I've done something stupid that I personally regret. In those circumstances, forgiving myself and others can be a challenge.

With some situations, it’s not just as easy as just deciding to forgive is it? It's not as easy as one day just deciding...today I am going to extend forgiveness. Funny thing is, I've tried to do that and the sneaky resentment and anger eventually reared it's ugly head again. Blah!!!

Unforgiveness is classified in medical books as disease. According to Dr. Steven Standiford, chief of surgery at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America, refusing to forgive makes people sick and keeps them that way. Forgiveness therapy is being used to treat cancer and other disease patients. Research indicates that of all cancer patients, 61% have forgiveness issues and more than half of them severe. 

Over the last two decades, a lot of research has been published about the positive impact of forgiveness, particularly on the forgiver and in relationships. From cancer studies, to studies on depression, health is improved with forgiveness. It’s important to address the issue of forgiveness as we consider our overall wellness and things that might be hindering it and our happiness. 

I’ve studied the work of Dr. Robert Enright and use his forgiveness research, knowledge and techniques in my own life and I love to share this information with others. This week and next week, I’ll be taking a deep dive into the topic of forgiveness by sharing some of Dr. Enright's work. Forgiveness is like a muscle, the more we use it, the more we practice it, the stronger it gets, the easier it gets and the better that we get at doing it.

Let’s start by exploring some of the basics behind the experience of being injured, and then next week we’ll explore things that keep us stuck and what we can do to move forward, forgive and heal. 

You face a choice
As you walk your path, remember that each time you perceive that someone  has mistreated you that you face a choice. The event occurs and someone has caused you pain. Dr. Enright describes it as though someone has placed a heavy stone in your path and you have two options, 1) acknowledge the obstacle and move around it, or 2) lift the stone and strap it to your back. Making the choice to strap it to your back is exhausting and painful, both physically and emotionally. 

You can’t change other people
It’s impossible to walk their path and alter how they treat you. You can’t force someone to feel sorry for what they've done or said. The only thing you're in charge of is your own behavior and your own energy. You're in control of the way you think of yourself and others. You're in control of the resentful feelings you harbor against others. You're in control of having judgmental and negative thoughts. 

Facing the pain
It can be hard to face the depth of our pain. It can feel overwhelming, like if we acknowledge it, truly acknowledge it, that we might not be able to handle it. 

Then there’s the added layer of pain that we experience when we give the person "air time in our head". What’s so ironic about this is that we don’t want them near us, and yet not only are they living near us, we are letting them live inside of us. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, rate how much pain you have in your heart right now. The question then is...what are you going to do with that pain? Do you know what most people do with their pain? They pass it on to other people. They pass it on to people in their lives and those people then have to deal with it. We try to get rid of the pain by tossing it to others. Isn’t that what the person did who hurt you? Hurt people, hurt people. 

So, the question then becomes…are you going to let others inherit your pain, or are you going to change the cycle? Forgiveness is when we begin to realize that we are stronger than the pain. When we stand up, acknowledge the pain and say...“I will not let this abuse others, make others uncomfortable, and it’s not going to defeat me because I’m standing with the pain right now.” 

Dr. Enright states, "As you stand in the pain, you end up not hurting others and letting others live a less-wounded life. We can’t go back in time and change what happened, it’s part of our history. It happened, you own it and refuse to pass it on to anybody. As you do that you are giving a gift to yourself and to others, including to the one who hurt you."

Taking time to grieve
In our culture, we typically don’t allow ourselves to properly feel and grieve, in part because of our hectic lives, but also, because we are afraid. We’re conditioned to be strong and move on, to sweep it under the rug or live in denial, to numb and self-medicate. How many times have you experienced loss, and when faced with your own grief someone was quick to patch you up with a...“There, there, it’ll get better. No need to cry.” Feelings are often seen as unproductive, so we try to ignore them, or we indulge in them and get stuck in a cycle of self-pity and blaming.

According to Dr. Enright, “This conditioning keeps us heavily distracted, contained, controlled. It is one of the reasons why we keep ourselves so busy and have taxed sympathetic nervous systems and adrenal glands...we are afraid to be silent and still where we can feel and grieve. Without the trauma resolution that grieving provides, our past pain unconsciously seeps into our immediate relationships and systems. Victims of abuse may become abusers themselves, perpetuating the cycle.”

Next week, we’ll pick up with things that keep us stuck and techniques for forgiveness and healing. ​
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Love Gives Us Hope

4/20/2021

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Given all of the events happening in the world right now, I think we all could use some hope. Hope opens the door to new possibilities and imagines a world beyond what exists. Hope motivates and inspires us to act with compassion, kindness, gentleness, and generosity. Hope is a spiritual practice. 

How do we get more hope though when we are struggling to feel it? Love gives us hope. We lean into love. We remember who we are and where we came from. We remember..


That we are all light workers. There is a quote by Martin Luther King Jr. that says, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” Love gives us hope. Remember to shine your light bright, don't let your light be dimmed by others. 

That there is a lot more light in this world than there is darkness. When bad things happen, it can be easy to fall into the trap of believing that there is a lot of darkness, a lot of things going wrong and it can feel overwhelming. Always remember that the goodness in the world by far out weighs the bad. 

That we are all one. Let's all quit pretending that we are somehow separate. We are no greater than the sum of all of our parts. There is no place where I stop and you begin. 

That what we do, what we say, what we think, and what we don't do matters. It not only impacts you, but it collectively impacts all of us. And what you heal within you, helps to heal it in all of us.

That every moment of every day we get to choose again. You get to choose what you say, what you think, what you do, and what you don't do. This is your world, this is our world. Let's create a world that is full of love and gratitude, full of empathy and understanding, full of forgiveness and compassion.

That we all have the power to be the example. Be the example of what you wish to see in the world. If you want to see more love, spread more love. If you want to see more empathy, share more empathy. If you want to see more gratitude, be grateful. If you want to see more forgiveness, be more forgiving. If you want to see more inclusion, be more inclusive. Be the change that you wish to see in the world. When you change, the world changes. Change your mind, change the world.

This week, this month, this year, this lifetime, I invite you to commit to doing something in honor of love. In honor of us all being one. In honor of yourself and of your neighbor, and the person across town, or across the world.

It can be a random act of kindness, a loving kindness meditation, taking a meal to someone in need, expressing gratitude for someone. This week let's all very intentionally be the example. Bringing more love, empathy and forgiveness into our world. This is my challenge to you this week, you have it within you...you are a light worker. Love gives us hope. 
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Communication Is A Two-Way Street

4/13/2021

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Do you find yourself having a one-way conversation with God? A lot of us were taught at a young age to pray through routine dinnertime and bedtime prayers, as well as through ritualistic prayers in church. But, we were left to figure out how to personally communicate with God. 

Minister and author, Michael Bernard Beckwith, teaches a prayer process that has really helped guide my communication. Instead of prayer being a one-way street, he sets up a process for communication being a two-way street. He also offers suggestions for how to ready yourself to receive more blessings. 

​Here are some thoughts on prayer and his prayer process:

1. Prayer is how we communicate with God.

Prayer is the attention of the heart, and what we give the attention of our heart to matters deeply, because we become what we pay attention to. While some of our prayers are intentional, even our thoughts are prayers.

Most formal definitions of prayer speak to petitions, a request to do something. However, this isn't necessarily the best way to communicate with God. Instead, consider asking God an empowering question.

Examples of empowering questions are ... What's trying to emerge in my life?, What's my purpose?, What lesson am I learning?. Disempowering questions sound like this … What should I do?, What's wrong with me?, Why is this happening to me?.

2. Meditation is how God communicates with us. 

Being still and turning the volume down allows us to hear the still, small voice of God guiding us. Have faith that by being still you will hear his guidance. Meditation opens us up to receiving the guidance in many ways. It causes us to be present ... to be vibrationally aligned with our Creator. As we practice, we’ll notice that we are more present and aware of synchronous events, words of wisdom spoken through another person, an intuitive feeling, or even a message in a dream.

3. Be Vibrationally Ready to Receive

You are a vibrational being. Drawing into yourself all the time the vibration that is most like what you are putting out. You cannot have what you're not willing to become vibrationally ... being in alignment is key. 

Let go of resistance and be in alignment with the blessing that’s coming by asking "what if" questions and by visualizing. By asking "what if" questions and visualizing, you are becoming vibrationally ready to receive the blessing. If you come from a place of I want, I want, I want, then that will only create more want and it will block you from receiving your blessing. 

Start asking "what if" questions..."What if all my needs were met, what would I be doing in my life?", "What if everything is really working together for my good?", "What if all of the bad things that happened in my life are leading me to activating some great potential?", "What if God is really on my side?" When you start asking "what if" questions, small miracles will start happening in your life.  

Begin to see, to visualize, the kind of life that you wish to live. Begin to talk about it, to write about it, to dream about it. Talk about the vision more than you talk about your problems. Give it energy, pay it attention. 

I invite you to pray, meditate, and visualize a few minutes daily using empowering questions and “what if” questions and notice what shifts happen in your life. 
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Burst Into The Light

4/6/2021

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The sunlight in the spring triggers leaves to burst out of the buds that they have remained dormant in all winter. During winter trees appear to be bare and dead, but they are not dead, they are just dormant. They are resting and waiting until conditions are favorable for them to be active again.

​Buds are actually on the tree all winter long. 
If you look at the very tips of the twigs in the winter you'll see buds. At the end of summer, the last new leaves the tree makes will become the buds that protect the tree all winter long. These winter buds contain all the tree needs to start growing again once it is spring.

Buds are on the tips of the twigs all winter long to protect the tree from freezing cold temperatures. They serve as a barrier to keep the cold out and prevent the inner parts of the tree from freezing and dying. In the spring when temperatures warm up and the days are longer the trees begin to come back to life. 

This year we not only lay dormant from the cold, darkness of winter, but also of a pandemic. Have you, like the trees, been resting and waiting for conditions to be favorable to be active again, to come back to life? What has been laying dormant for you that has now been triggered by spring and wants to burst forth? 

Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth. The spring flowers surface and bloom, buds on the trees burst into leaves, grass turns green, farmers plant their fields, and the birds return. Here in Wisconsin coming out from the dark cold winter months, spring is a hopeful time where we're reenergized to see the reemergence of light and life. 

Some of us mark spring by engaging in spring housecleaning. Decluttering our homes and renewing them for the year. It can be a time for the attitude of "out with the old and in with the new." Spring can also be a great time to declutter our minds, our mental energy, our emotional energy, and our spiritual energy. A planting of a new energetic seed. 

It's a great time to check in and take a look at what we want to clear out and let go of and what it is that we want to plant. It's a time for transference and manifesting. A time to reflect on what it is that you want to draw into your life.

A time to remember that what you water, what you give energy to, what you give your attention to...grows. 

What is it that you would like to energetically clear out to make space for planting some new seeds to grow? What old story are you willing to let go of, so you can energize a new story ... a new way of being, a new mindset, a new experience? What are those seeds that you would like to plant this spring? 

Take a few moments this week to be still and check in with where you are at. What's going well and what isn't? What would you like to clear out to make room for something different? Step off that hamster wheel of life and reflect, reevaluate, renew, reenergize and rejuvenate.

B
e intentional and remember that what you water, what you give energy to, grows. 
Whatever it might me for you, let the sight and sound of spring serve as an invitation to put a spring in your step to shake off the winter and pandemic and get into the action. 
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