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Pray Hard, Love Deep, Kickass

2/28/2019

I was listening to a video series by Marianne Williamson called Powerful Beyond Measure, her message and invitation in the video was to "Pray hard, love deep and kickass." Her message and invitation, along with the wisdom she shared in the video series resonated with me.

Marianne's invitation to pray hard, love deep and kickass reminded me of something the Dalai Lama said when he visited Madison 3 years ago. The Dalai Lama believes that praying by itself is not enough, that we need prayer and effort. He believes that we can bring our prayers to Jesus, or to Buddha, or to whomever asking them to solve the world's problems and that they would say...you created them, you fix them. He feels that yes we should pray, but that prayer without action is not enough, we also need to make the effort ourselves to do what it takes to fix the problems that humankind has made.

In A Course in Miracles, Principle #11 says, "Prayer is the medium of miracles. It is a means of communication of the created with the Creator. Through prayer love is received, and through miracles love is expressed." As Marianne states, "The only way to be a miracle worker is to ground yourself in a spiritual practice." The foundation of which is supported in prayer, love, compassion and giving.

Marianne believes that a lot of people ask themselves... "Do I do the inner work or the outer work?" her answer is "both and." As the Dalai Lama stated, taking action, making the effort to do what it takes to create change. Working on both the inner and the outer at the same time. Inner work of prayer and self-love, outer work of love and kickass action.

The challenge to us is to set aside our ego, our fear, our conditional love, and to love deeply from a place of oneness. Marianne believes that, "Devine love is unconditional love. Our purpose on earth is to love the way God loves." Loving deeply, unconditionally as though we are one.

Marianne Williamson is campaigning to be President of the United States. Her campaign slogan is...Think. Love. Participate. I personally really resonate with her message. If you are interested check out her website at www.marianne2020.com.

Regardless of who you support or what your beliefs are, I think it's important for each of us to think long and hard, to bring more depth of love and compassion to the table, and to participate in the process.

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How To Be Mindful Of Difficult Emotions

2/26/2019

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Our minds are always thinking, we are a thought factory. We have between 67,000 and 120,000 thoughts per day and most of them are re-runs. Our thoughts create our reality more than anything else. We can't control what thoughts arise, but we can choose how we react. It's our conditioned reactions to our thoughts that quickly influence us. We think we are our thoughts, our sense of self is created by the stories in our minds and we are very selective about the stories that we choose to play. Making stories up about ourselves and others that we tend not to question, but rather believe. Our thoughts are light and changeable they don't really have substance unless we given them substance.

Our conditioned mind tends to be unstable and reactive. Conditioned to our habitual ways of perceiving reality. The intention is to free the mind from the habits of conditioning in order to perceive reality clearly and realize our True Nature. Our True Nature (the unconditioned mind) is vast, luminous, open, stable, kind, loving, compassionate, wise, joyful with an inherent basic goodness and intelligence. Mindfulness techniques allow us more access to who we really are.

Mindfulness focuses on the present moment...the here and now, not the past or the future. This is the only moment where we're actually alive, the only moment where we can choose, it's the power moment. Our thoughts abduct us from the present moment. We tend to ruminate and fantasize or anticipate and set expectations. Our habit is to lay over the top of the present moment our past experience.

The key is to create an open mind. Judging closes the mind, curiosity opens it. The difficult emotion is the obstacle and mindfulness is the path. The way through it is to go into it. There are 6 steps for working mindfully with our difficult emotions:

Breathing: As soon as you realize that you're upset, pause and breathe mindfully for several breaths This brings you into the present moment, helps you ground and gather your wits about you.
Recognizing: Be aware of the emotions as it's happening and remember it's a temporary mind state passing through you. Softly note it..."Here's anger" or "Here's feeling upset."
Accepting: Instead of judging yourself for the feeling, open to it and welcome it. Something important is going on with you right now. Through this acceptance we are able to move through with more ease.
Investigating: Bring curiosity and interest to the table. Ask yourself, "How am I actually experiencing this right now? What am I thinking? Imagining? What's the story my mind's created?" Next go under the storyline to the sensations in your body. Ask, "Where do I feel this in my body? What are the sensations actually like? Are there other emotions here?"
Not Identifying: This difficult emotion is not a reflection of who you are. It's unpleasant "weather", created by certain conditions coming together, so it's wise not to take it personally. By softly noting it as, "Here's fear", rather than "I'm afraid", it's possible to remain open and stable with it while it's temporarily here. We habitually identify with our experience: "This is me! This is who I am!" And we suffer.
Searching: Next inquire more deeply into the root cause. Gently ask questions like, "When have I felt this before? How old do I feel right now as I'm with this? What is this really about for me? What belief is operating here? And, does this belief serve me now?" Open to whatever occurs with acceptance and kindness. When you sense that you understand this more, ask, "Given this, what's the wisest and kindest way to respond to myself right now?"

We are not trying to change it, we are just trying to relate to it. Changing it is fighting against it, resisting it. We are letting it be and companioning it, giving it spaciousness and remembering impermanence. Discovering the concept of impermanence was a game changer for me. Most everything in life is impermanent, things shift and change regularly. Just knowing this and flowing with it makes a huge difference.

A shortened version of the above technique is called the Drop In Mindfulness Technique.

Drop In Mindfulness Technique...ask yourself 3 core questions:

What am I actually experiencing right now? (thinking, feeling, sensations)
How am I relating to that? (curious and accepting or resisting and judging/caught in it/stuck)
Given this, what's a wise and kind way to respond to myself right now? What do I need in this moment?

How to practice this on a daily basis:

Drop In as many times as you can throughout the day...breathe 3 breaths, ask the 3 core questions, and follow your advice.
Unitask...concentrate on one task at a time versus multitasking.
When you feel stressed, use the Drop In technique.

Mindfulness develops vital mental muscles and it's a key component to navigating difficult emotions. Mindfulness can teach us that we don't need to be afraid of our thoughts, that they are not me, that I have a choice, but it takes regular practice.

This type of meditation is called Insight Meditation. It was taken from materials in a class I took taught by Mare Chapman, M.A. at University of Wisconsin-Madison.

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How To Navigate Negative Emotions

2/19/2019

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In my post two weeks ago, Being Fully Human, I shared some thoughts about how it's not realistic, or even healthy, to try to be happy 100% of the time and that the key is to be resilient, to have grit, to bounce back, to not get stuck in the muck, to have stickiness, to move through the challenge and its array of emotions and feelings and thoughts without getting stuck. This week, I want to share with you a technique called self-distancing that I've found to be very useful in helping navigate negative emotions.

We usually deal with negative emotions in three ways...we either try to suppress them, express them, or escape them, all three of which are typically not a healthy approach. Research suggests that instead, it can be beneficial to process and reflect on our negative feelings. When most of us try to do this, it can be easy to start ruminating and get caught in the loop of repetitive, detrimental thoughts. We spin the story over and over in our heads. We tell ourselves things like, "I will never be good at this."

Gaining perspective on negative events, or “self-distancing,” is a practice that allows us to view our feelings and experiences from an outsider’s perspective. This can be accomplished with language...saying “you” or “she” rather than “I". Using phrases like “Tracy is feeling frustrated right now" or referring to yourself in the third person. The most important thing is to not use the term “I” or "I am" (there is a lot of energetic power in whatever words we put behind the statement "I am").

In everyday life, we typically think and talk about ourselves using first-person pronouns like “I” and “me.” Using self-distanced language...like “you” or “he"...means that we’re referring to ourselves the way we usually refer to others. This linguistic shift seems to create a cognitive shift, allowing us to gain perspective on whatever is going on.

Self-distancing can also be accomplished by visually imagining your own experience from a distance like you are watching a movie rather than reliving it through your own eyes, to take the perspective of an outside viewer, seeing yourself from afar. Mentally removing yourself form the situation is a helpful trick. To try it, you can imagine that you’re a fly on the wall, observing your situation, or you can imagine you are standing on top of a mountain looking down over the events. How do you see the situation? How do both people look...you and the other person? By cultivating a broader perspective, you’ll often discover that the situation is not as bad as you thought it was.

Research has shown that taking this perspective reduces the intensity and duration of negative emotional experiences. Reducing anger, sadness and other negative emotions around a distressing event, as well as minimizing negative unproductive recurring thoughts.

Studies also suggests that self-distancing encourages us to think in more abstract terms rather than focusing on the details and feelings. When doing this, we are more likely to have realizations, deeper understanding and closure. This allows us to manage difficult feelings without getting swept up in them.

I invite you to try the technique of self-distancing next time you become aware of a negative emotion. Be mindful of the language and thoughts you are creating around the emotion and visualize it from a different broader perspective. Next week I'll share an additional technique that has also been very useful to me in handling negative emotions, feelings and sensations.

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Love Is Easy To Profess And A Shit Ton Of Work To Practice

2/11/2019

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In a few days it's Valentine's Day. Some love it, others hate it. Valentine's Day is typically a day where we profess our love. It's a time where we glamorize love, especially romantic love, into roses, hearts and candy. For me, it can serve as a time to examine love and relationships.

I recently saw a post by Brene Brown and felt the truth in it. Love can be messy, it's not always roses, hearts and candy. Whether it be romantic love, or love for a child, sibling, parent, or friend it can be messy and a shit ton of work to practice. Here is what Brene wrote:

Love is easy to profess and a shit ton of work to practice. Stay brave, awkward, and kind this week.

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.

Love is messy, it's both easy and hard. It can bring out the best in us and the worst. I know that I mess it up a lot. I lose my cool and say something hurtful, I get self-absorbed, I get impatient, I make assumptions and judgments, I do unwanted favors and then attach expectations. The list goes on and on.

It's hard work and takes practice, lots and lots of practice. Sometimes we mess it up and we don't get it right. Love is messy, It's not always roses, hearts and candy, but the best things in life are often messy. There can be magic in the mess.

Yes, there is magic in the mess. There's magic in being vulnerable, to letting others in and in putting yourself out there, in the discovery and progression. Magic in experiencing life with all of its beauty and struggle.

This Valentine's Day may you open your heart wider to love. May you be brave and pull down the walls, be vulnerable and live and love wholeheartedly. May you open your heart wider today to Divine love. May you feel it, embrace it and be inspired by it today. Wishing you love beyond measure this Valentine's Day and everyday.

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Being Fully Human

2/1/2019

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What does it mean to be fully human? It means there are going to be good times and not so good times, there will be challenges and struggles, there will be joy and despair. It's not realistic, or even healthy, to try to be happy 100% of the time. The key is to be resilient, to have grit, to bounce back, to not get stuck in the muck, to have stickiness, to move through the challenge and its array of emotions and feelings and thoughts without getting stuck.

Don't you wonder sometimes how some people are able to navigate challenges and adversity in life while maintaining a positive mental attitude and holding space open for growth without getting stuck in the "O, woe is me", mentality, or overdramatizing the situation, or just plain getting stuck in the muck?

Dr. Richard Davidson, a neuroscientist, a professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, as well as founder and chair of the Center for Healthy Minds has researched the topic of cultivating well-being (partially defined as happiness) and is highly regarded throughout the world. Dr. Davidson is adamant that well-being is a skill that we can all learn and I definitely agree! He details four constituents of well-being that have been extensively investigated neuroscientifically (see my post from March 15, 2016), one of which is resilience. He defines resilience as how quickly we recover from adversity.

He describes resiliency in regard to stickiness...which is how much we let a negative emotion bleed over into other events, experiences and areas of our life. He referred to it as getting stuck in the muck. He shared that adversity happens, that life happens, and your stickiness is what either causes you to be resilient, to bounce back and recover, or to get stuck in the negative emotion of the experience.

Gabrielle Bernstein puts it this way, "You can't control all of your experiences in life, but you can control how you experience them." What matters is whether we let the adversity become traumatizing. The good news is that we can learn how to be more resilient. We can learn to deal with adversity more effectively by how we frame it.

George Bonanno is a clinical psychologist at Columbia University’s Teachers College, he has been studying resilience for nearly twenty-five years. One of the central elements of resilience, Bonanno has found, is perception...Do you see an event as traumatic, or as an opportunity to learn and grow? “Events are not traumatic until we experience them as traumatic. We can make ourselves more or less vulnerable by how we think about things,” Bonanno said.

In research at Columbia, neuroscientist Kevin Ochsner has shown that teaching people to think of adversity in a different way...to reframe it in positive terms when the initial response is negative, or in a less emotional way when the initial response is emotionally charged...changes how we experience and react to the adversity. We can train ourselves to better regulate our emotions.

The opposite can also be true. “We can become less resilient, or less likely to be resilient,” Bonanno says. “We can create or exaggerate stressors very easily in our own minds. That’s the danger of the human condition.” Human beings tend to worry, we can take a minor thing, blow it up in our heads, run through it over and over, driving ourselves crazy until we feel like that minor thing is the biggest thing that ever happened. I know that I have done this, have you? Sometimes we nurse it, curse it, and rehearse it over and over again. We allow ourselves to get caught up in the drama and overdramatize the situation.

If we frame adversity as a challenge, we become more flexible and able to deal with it, move on, learn from it, and grow. If we focus on it, frame it as a threat, then a potentially traumatic event becomes a lasting problem. We become more inflexible, and more likely to be negatively affected, to get stuck in the muck. Being resilient is an intentional practice. A practice that, like a muscle, becomes stronger the more we practice it.

A key strategy for strengthening your resilience is to have a meditation or mindfulness practice. Being aware of your emotions and being present through a meditation practice allows us to better regulate our emotions. We can then reframe adversity causing us to have less stickiness and more resilience.

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Pray Hard, Love Deep, Kickass

How To Be Mindful Of Difficult Emotions

How To Navigate Negative Emotions

Love Is Easy To Profess And A Shit Ton Of Work To Practice

Being Fully Human

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