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The Story I'm Telling Myself Is...

6/25/2019

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What are the tools you use when you are feeling fearful, frustrated, threatened or vulnerable in some way? Do you have tools in your toolbox to pull out and use? I want to share with you a powerful tool that I learned from research professor and author Brene Brown. 

When we are in a fearful state of being the brain wants a story. Its main job is to protect us, so if it senses a threat the brain says give me a story, help me to understand what's going on. It wants to know, "Who are the bad guys?" and "Who are the good guys?", so we create a story in our heads about what is happening. According to Brene Brown, "The brain loves a story about bad guys and dangerous things, and in fact if you give it a really good one, it'll reward you chemically. "


Our minds are always thinking...we are a thought factory. We have between 67,000 and 120,000 thoughts per day and most of them are re-runs. Our thoughts create our reality more than anything else. While we can't control what thoughts arise, we can choose how we react. It's our conditioned reactions to our thoughts that quickly influence us and begin to create the story that we tell ourselves.

We think we are our thoughts, our sense of self is created by the stories in our minds and we are very selective about the stories that we choose to play. Making stories up about ourselves and others that we tend not to question, but rather believe.


And most of us tend to ruminate, to replay the same negative stories over and over again in our head. We get stuck in replaying these same old negative stories. Rumination is repetitive, negative thinking about the past, and it's a big factor in sustaining depression.

The more we replay these stories, the deeper the groove becomes in the record in our brain. Neuroscientists tell us that 95% of our thoughts are controlled by our preprogrammed subconscious mind. Instead of actually thinking, you’re looking at a “movie” of the past. Our habit is to lay over the top of the present moment our past experience. 

Resilience play a key role in our ability to lead a happy life. People with high levels of resilience ask themselves, "The story I'm telling myself is?" and then get curious about the answer. Try 
this anytime you are feeling threatened. Lead with it when you are entering into a difficult conversation about how you are feeling. It forces you to examine what your internal dialogue is and present it to the other person to see if it’s what they intended. It's an open-hearted, honest, brave and vulnerable way to address a situation and your thoughts and feelings about it.

Most of the time the story we have made up and are telling ourself isn't an accurate one. Be brave, courageous and pause to challenge your stories, to get curious about them. Frequently ask yourself, "What is the story that I am telling myself about this?" and be willing to look at it with perspective.
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What's Good For The Soul?

6/18/2019

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What's good for the soul? The answer is simple...laughter, good old fashioned laughter. I love deep belly laughing, or crying and laughing at the same time, or laughing so hard that you end up snorting, laughing so hard that your stomach and cheeks hurt, man those are the best!

Do you get enough of it? I know I don't. Can you ever truly get enough of it? Remember the old saying, "Laughter is medicine?", well I believe that it is. I believe that laughter is good for our soul, our mind and our body. Laughter reinforces and brings about a positive emotional state of which promotes overall well-being. 


Studies indicate that laughter boosts the immune system and triggers the release of pleasure-inducing neurochemicals in the brain. In the central nervous system, the brain also releases endorphins as a result of laughing. Endorphins are natural, morphine-like compounds that raise the pain threshold, produce sedation and induce euphoria. We feel better when we laugh because endorphins reduce physical and mental pain. Laughter lowers blood pressure, increases blood flow, reduces blood-sugar levels, relaxes the body, relieves tension and stress and burns calories. 

Sometimes we may laugh by ourself while watching a funny movie or when we do something silly, but most of the time laughing involves other people. Laughing brings people together and bonds them, it's a great way to connect with others and connecting with others through laughter is therapeutic and promotes well-being.  

Did you know that you can even do a laughter meditation? You can do it by yourself, but it's easier with a group. All you have to do is just start laughing, yep that's it just laugh. It will feel awkward and forced for a few seconds, but pretty soon you'll start to genuinely laugh at how silly the attempt at fake laughing is. You only have to do it for a minute of so to reap the benefit. Notice how you feel before you start and again when you are done with the laughing meditation. 

Give yourself permission to laugh. Look for the opportunities to create laughter for yourself and others. Be light, be playful, be silly. Turn on a funny movie or stand up comedy act, turn up the music, dance, laugh and be silly, reminisce and share funny stories. 
When you hear laughter, move toward it, ask what's so funny. Laugh at yourself and share with others your funny, even embarrassing moments. Spend more time with funny, fun and playful people. Look for the humor in challenging situations. Give yourself visual reminders to be playful and laugh. 

Life can feel serious, weighted, heavy, overwhelming and busy if we let it. Loosen up a little, have some fun and don't take life so serious, interject some laughter instead.
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The Practice Of Holding Space

6/11/2019

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What can we do when someone is upset, going through a challenge, is suffering and in need of help? You know those many times in life where you maybe feel at a loss for what to do for someone, you don't know how to help. Or maybe you have some thoughts, some ideas, but your advice was not requested. Can you conjure up a few scenarios like these in your head? What can you do in these moments?

Sometimes the best thing we can do is to hold the space. What does it mean to "hold space"? I love how coach and facilitator Heather Plett describes it. She says, "It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control."

We might be holding the space for love, for understanding, for compassion, for empathy, for forgiveness, for light, for miracles, for suffering, for faith, for peace, for joy, for connection, for listening, for learning, for growth, for strength and ultimately for healing. Sometimes the best thing to do, the wisest thing to do, is to just hold the space. To be a space holder for whatever is truly needed. Sometimes in doing what seems like nothing, we do everything. 

When you hold the space for someone you are allowing them to feel safe. Safe to feel, safe to explore, safe to listen to their own internal guidance system. It's an opportunity for self-exploration. It's not always easy, we have a natural human tendency to want to fix people, to give them advice, or to judge them. You are giving them the gift of your presence, your complete undivided attention and without judgment, you are opening up your heart and allowing another to have whatever experience they are having without trying to control the outcome. 

Holding space is truly about allowing experiences and emotions to arise and pass away. It's about making a safe space so people can actually feel their emotions and see their thoughts. It's trusting that as they allow themselves to fully express what's happening, deeper healing is already at work.

Holding space for someone can be easy and yet so hard, simplistic and yet powerful. I believe that holding space is an intentional practice and a spiritual practice. Like so many other practices, the more you practice it, the better you will become at doing it. I am working hard to practice holding space for others, sometimes I do okay and sometimes I mess it up. 


Heather Plett further explains, "To truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (ie. trying to fix their problems), shaming them (ie. implying that they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them (ie. giving them more information than they’re ready for). We have to be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when it’s needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes."
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Heather offers the following helpful tips for how to hold space for others:

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1. Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom. This our own internal guidance system. 

2. Give people only as much information as they can handle. Too much information can leave someone feeling incompetent and unworthy.

3. Don’t take their power away. When we take decision-making power out of people’s hands, we leave them feeling useless and incompetent. There may be times when we need to step in and make hard decisions for other people (ie. when they’re dealing with an addiction and an intervention feels like the only thing that will save them), but in almost every other case, people need the autonomy to make their own choices (even our children). 

4. Keep your own ego out of it. This is a big one. We all get caught in that trap now and then – when we begin to believe that someone else’s success is dependent on our intervention, or when we think that their failure reflects poorly on us, or when we’re convinced that whatever emotions they choose to unload on us are about us instead of them. But that doesn’t serve anyone – not even me. To truly support their growth, I need to keep my ego out of it and create the space where they have the opportunity to grow and learn.
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5. Make them feel safe enough to fail. When people are learning, growing, or going through grief or transition, they are bound to make some mistakes along the way. When we, as their space holders, withhold judgement and shame, we offer them the opportunity to reach inside themselves to find the courage to take risks and the resilience to keep going even when they fail. When we let them know that failure is simply a part of the journey and not the end of the world, they’ll spend less time beating themselves up for it and more time learning from their mistakes.

6. Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness. A wise space holder knows when to withhold guidance (ie. when it makes a person feel foolish and inadequate) and when to offer it gently (ie. when a person asks for it or is too lost to know what to ask for). This is a careful dance that we all must do when we hold space for other people. Recognizing the areas in which they feel most vulnerable and incapable and offering the right kind of help without shaming them takes practice and humility.

7. Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc. When people feel that they are held in a deeper way than they are used to, they feel safe enough to allow complex emotions to surface that might normally remain hidden. Someone who is practiced at holding space knows that this can happen and will be prepared to hold it in a gentle, supportive, and nonjudgmental way. 

The space becomes a circle where people feel safe enough to fall apart without fearing that this will leave them permanently broken or that they will be shamed by others in the room. Someone is always there to offer strength and courage. This is not easy work, and it is work. We cannot do it if we are overly emotional ourselves, if we haven’t done the hard work of looking into our own shadow, or if we don’t trust the people we are holding space for.

8. Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would. Holding space is about respecting each person’s differences and recognizing that those differences may lead to them making choices that we would not make. Sometimes, for example, they make choices based on cultural norms that we can’t understand from within our own experience. When we hold space, we release control and we honor differences. 
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Life Shifts And Changes

6/4/2019

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It's the end of another school year. I have a daughter who is a senior in high school who will be graduating this week. How did that happen? So many feels, such a mix of emotions, so bittersweet. This whole school year has been marked with many passages...this will be the last time for this and this will be the last time for that. 

Life is always shifting and changing, challenging us with its twists and turns, testing us, blessing us. Some shifts are welcome and others not so much, but one things for certain, they are not all within our control. Even the ones that we welcome mean change and that's not always easy. In these moments, whether good or bad, our spiritual practice can carry us and support us. 

The shifts and changes of life can serve as a reminder to be fully present and engaged, to savor the moment. Being mindful to enjoy and not just endure the change.
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The shifts and changes of life can serve as a reminder to be grateful and to keep perspective. Being grateful always for the goodness in our life. Focusing our attention and energy on the many things in our life to be grateful for helps us to keep perspective. Savoring and enjoying the journey, all of its ups and downs, discoveries and beauty.

The shifts and changes of life can serve as a reminder to love deeply. To share love, show love, express love, demonstrate love, give love, receive love, bask in love. 

The shifts and changes of life can serve as a reminder to embrace the change, not to resist it, letting the new chapter unfold, not getting stuck in a fear-based mentality, finding the silver lining. Recognizing and being okay with the idea that most things in life are not permanent. Things ebb and flow, allow the flow to happen with as much ease as possible. 
Discovering the concept of impermanence was a game changer for me. Most everything in life is impermanent, things shift and change regularly. Just knowing this and flowing with it makes a huge difference. There's a lot less suffering, if we can stay rooted in the idea of allowing and impermanence. 

The shifts and changes of life can serve as a reminder to have faith and trust. To surrender and turn it over to a higher power. You've been through shifts and changes before, somehow it'll be okay even if we can't see how at the moment. 

The shifts and changes of life can serve as a reminder to  live life with intention. Each and every day setting our intentions and then following through with our action. 


The shifts and changes of life can serve as a reminder of forgiveness. Forgiving ourself and others for our imperfections. Moving on in life with a clean slate, with clear and positive intention. Not being part of the woulda, shoulda, coulda club.

The shifts and changes of life can serve as a time for reflection. Reflecting on and savoring the memories, the lessons learned, the journey. Wow, what a ride it can be at times!

The shifts and changes of life can be exciting if we let them. It can be exciting to not necessarily know what's just around the corner and how life can continue to shift. Say yes to the possibility of what's to come and be all in. Be curious and fascinated by what's yet to come. 

As life shifts and changes and one chapter comes to a close and another one begins to unfold, I invite you to use your spiritual practice to help guide you through and support you. 
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