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Compassionate Communication

2/22/2022

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Do you communicate with compassion, especially in those moments where you are feeling challenged or faced with conflict? In those moments we can act in ways that result in hurt or harm by blaming, speaking without listening, criticizing, name-calling, being defensive, or judging who's good/bad or what's right/wrong with people. This type of communication is lacking compassion and has been coined as a violent way to communicate.

The Compassionate Communication Process gives us a  framework for communicating with compassion in a nonviolent way. It's modeled after Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication tool used to help facilitate difficult conversations and resolve conflicts. Nonviolent communication is described as the “language of compassion” and it allows us to express empathy and understanding even in the face of difference. When one side of a conflict uses empathic inquiry and strives to understand the position or perspective of the other side, differences can be resolved.


The Compassionate Communication Process is a powerful tool for romantic relationships, where intimacy can bring up challenging conflicts and dynamics. Rather than responding reactively, we can slow down our reactions and responses, and through the use of this communication process, we can begin to explore what is happening between ourselves and our partner at the emotional level. Using I-statements and keeping the focus of the discussion on emotions and feelings, we are better able to navigate potentially difficult discussions without doing damage to the relationship. 

Following are the five steps of the Compassionate Communication Process that can help us communicate from our heart. 


Step 1: Identify a Challenging Aspect of the Relationship
Decide who is going to be Partner A and who will be Partner B. Partner A...Select a challenging aspect of your relationship. For example, it could be something annoying or bothersome that your partner does.

Step 2: The Compassionate Communication Process
“When I see you _____________, I feel _____________, and I imagine ____________. My need for ____________ is not met.”
 
Example...“When I see you are not cleaning up after yourself around the house, I feel burdened by the extra work, and I imagine that you don’t appreciate all the hard work that I am doing. My need for appreciation is not met.”

Be careful not to slip into shaming/blaming/judgmental language. This is a common pitfall when communicating. Here's an example of this format being used incorrectly...“When I see you are selfish, I feel like you don’t care about anyone else, and I imagine I married someone who is self-centered.”

Consider the challenging aspect of the relationship, as described in step 1. Partner A communicates their challenge to their partner using the format described in Step 2 following these guidelines:

“I feel....” It's natural for people to slip into the format of using “I feel....” followed by “like you." This is a way of turning the format into a you-statement. For example, when saying, “I feel like you are selfish", or "I feel like you are like your mother,” you are turning the I-statement into a you-statement. There is a place to express that sentiment, but it needs to be made later in the “I imagine” section. If you tend to slip into this pattern, remember that “I feel...” is a feeling statement about yourself and shouldn't have anything to do with the other person. 

“and I imagine....” By stating that you imagine, you acknowledge that it may not be entirely rational. It allows you to express some of the negative thoughts that pop into your mind while also acknowledging that whatever is happening between you and your partner is in your own mind. 

“My need for….” When we experience conflict or negative emotions, it’s a sign that our needs aren’t being met. At times we get stuck in conflict or negative emotions because we confuse needs and strategies. Everything we do is an attempt to meet a universal need. Strategies are specific things we do to meet our needs.

Step 3: Mirror Back
Partner B mirrors back what partner A communicated. It can be word for word, or in your own words, but it should include all of what partner A expressed. It should sound something like...“What I’m hearing is…" Then check whether you understood your partner using a phrase similar to...“Am I hearing that correctly?” “What am I missing?” “Is there anything important that I left out?” This demonstrates active listening and helps to clear up any misunderstanding.

Step 4: Reflection
Pause and take time to let the experience sink in. It can be normal for Partner B to want to respond right away or try to solve the problem. The purpose of this exercise is to create an experience where Partner A expresses themselves in a potentially new way and feels deeply heard by their partner. If Partner B goes immediately into problem-solving or arguing, then it can negate the emotional experience of Partner A.

Step 5: Request
To make clear requests is crucial to the Compassionate Communication Process. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

Keep in mind that when we make a request, we’re open to hearing a response of “no.” Demands, on the other hand, implicitly or explicitly threaten people with blame or punishment if they fail to comply. Example of a request...“Would you be willing to set the table for dinner?"

I invite you to practice using the Compassionate Communication Process when faced with challenging interactions. Communicating from your heart with intention takes practice, but your relationships will benefit greatly.
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Meditation On Hope

2/15/2022

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Sherwin Nuland in his TED talk, Meditation on Hope, proclaimed that, "The world will be saved by the human spirit. The ability that each of us has to be something greater than him or herself. The ability to arise from our ordinary self to be something greater, something extraordinary, something that we once believed we weren't capable of. It's an elevation of us beyond ourselves."

I love this idea of the human spirit and the elevation of us beyond ourselves. Can you think of a time where you felt elevated beyond yourself? Possibly at the birth of a child...or as you were participating as part of a team where you 
gelled together and accomplished a great feat...or possibly as you were engaged in a some type of musical venue that lifted you up like a church service, motivational talk, or rally. It's that feeling of elevation where you felt you were part of something and it raised you up.

Those moments are special, they stick with us, they fill up our soul, they propel us to greatness, they nourish us, they give us hope. I think all of our spirits could use some hope and some nourishment right now. What gives you hope? What nourishes your spirit? Filling up our spirit is important, so we can continue to spread hope and love out into the world and continue to elevate ourselves and others.


In his TED talk, Sherwin Nuland dissected the word hope. I really enjoy and find it useful to look at the definition and root meaning of  a word. Hope is an abstract idea, it's not a concrete word, looking into the definition and root creates deeper meaning. Hope is defined as an expectation of something good that's due to happen. 

The Indo-European root of the word hope is the stem 'keu', it is the same root that the word curve (to bend) comes from. What it means is a change in direction, going a different way. Changing course, taking a different path.

​It's hard to have hope when things aren't changing direction, when we're operating in the status quo and not shifting course. It's like the old adage of the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  

​The Hebrew and Greek equivalent of our English word hope   carries the meaning of a strong and confident expectation. Putting the Indo-European root and the Hebrew and Greek equivalent together, creates the meaning of the word hope as a confident expectation that a desirable change is likely to happen. I like that definition of hope. What if each of us nourish our spirit and spread hope by helping to confidently change the direction of where we are going? How would the world change?

Sherwin Nuland also discussed the word philanthropy. The Greek concept of philanthropy is the love of human kind. Philanthropy arises out of a form of love. Spirit, hope, love. The world will be saved by the human spirit of hope and love for human kind. 

I invite you to nourish your spirit by doing what elevates you to greatness, to spread hope by being the change you desire to see in the world, to be philanthropic and spread your love of human kind, nourishing humanity as you nourish your own spirit. Be confident and lead with your heart, your inner wisdom, with love.
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Love Versus Fear

2/3/2022

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Each year for the month of February my blog posts focus on the theme of love. This week I'm sharing some thoughts on love versus fear.

What I have personally come to understand and witness is how much of life is directed by fear and not love. I believe that fear is the opposite of love and that we are cultured to operate from a place fear. Fear wants us to restrict, it doesn't want us to expand. Fear is from the ego mind and love comes from the heart.

Blogger Luminita Saviuc explains it this way, "There are only two emotions in the world, only two emotions we can express, and those two emotions are fear and love. All the other emotions with whom we are all so familiar, are nothing more than subcategories of these two. Where there is love, we may have peace, joy, content, serenity, forgiveness while on the other hand, where we have hate we will have anxiety, sadness, depression, fatigue, judgment, guilt and so on. You see, where there is love, fear can not survive, and where there is fear, love can not survive. They can’t live together, for only one is real, while the other is just an illusion."

This acronym for fear has really been useful for me:

F - false
E - expectations
A - appearing 
R - real

This is typically the case for most things in life. Our mind and our ego try to convince us to operate from a place of fear when really fear is usually false expectations appearing real. Our minds work overtime to exaggerate scenarios and cause us to believe that we need to protect ourselves, or avoid something, or worry, etc. 

By loving intentionally, extravagantly and unconditionally and infusing loving kindness into everything we do and every interaction that we have, the world can heal. Collective love, empathy and compassion will dissolve collective fear, anger and hate. 

As Mother Theresa said, "There are no great deeds, just small deeds done with great love." Let's each go out and do small deeds with great love. Let's expand into love instead of contract into fear. Let's hold the vision by taking a lot of little right actions in the direction of love. Love is a choice, just as fear is a choice.

Here is a poem that captures the essence of the difference that occurs in life when we love versus when we fear. 


​LOVE Versus Fear
By Sarah Nean Bruce


LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL (fear is conditional)
LOVE IS STRONG (fear is weak)
LOVE RELEASES (fear obligates)
LOVE SURRENDERS (fear binds)
LOVE IS HONEST (fear is deceitful)
LOVE TRUSTS (fear suspects)
LOVE ALLOWS (fear dictates)
LOVE GIVES (fear resists)
LOVE FORGIVES (fear blames)
LOVE IS COMPASSIONATE (fear pities)
LOVE CHOOSES (fear avoids)
LOVE IS KIND (fear is angry)
LOVE IGNITES (fear incites)
LOVE EMBRACES (fear repudiates)
LOVE CREATES (fear negates)
LOVE HEALS (fear hurts)
LOVE IS MAGIC (fear is superstitious)
LOVE ENERGIZES (fear saps)
LOVE IS AN ELIXIR (fear is a poison)
LOVE INSPIRES (fear worries)
LOVE DESIRES (fear Joneses)
LOVE IS PATIENT (fear is nervous)
LOVE IS BRAVE (fear is afraid)
LOVE IS RELAXED (fear is pressured)
LOVE IS BLIND (fear is judgmental)
LOVE RESPECTS (fear disregards)
LOVE ACCEPTS (fear rejects)
LOVE DREAMS (fear schemes)
LOVE WANTS TO PLAY (fear needs to control)
LOVE ENJOYS (fear suffers)
LOVE FREES (fear imprisons)
LOVE BELIEVES (fear deceives)
LOVE “WANTS” (fear “needs”)
​
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How To Get More Love

2/1/2022

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In the month of February my blog posts typically focus on the theme of love. This week I want to share with you some thoughts on how we can get more love in our life.

To some degree love...like gratitude, like forgiveness, like compassion...is a muscle and the more we exercise the muscle the stronger it gets. The more we practice it for ourself and for others, the more we are able to give. You're probably thinking...you said how do we get more love in our life, not how do we give more love...hang on let me clarify.

Darren Hardy explains it this way, "I do something that sounds a bit odd, but I send love to someone. The way to get love is to give it, and one thing I want more of is love. I give love by thinking of one person, anyone (it could be a friend, relative, co-worker, or someone I just met in the supermarket—it doesn’t matter), and then I send them love by imagining all that I wish and hope for them. Some would call this a blessing or a prayer; I call it a mental love letter. This process turns my love magnets on every morning. It’s amazing how the world changes around me when I have these magnets on."


I love the practice of sending out a mental love letter. This make us feel good, changes our vibration and our energy, and also energetically goes out into the world and impacts the world around us, and ultimately the intended recipient of the mental love letter

​I also love the idea of turning on my love magnets each morning, what a super cool way to start the day! You change and the world around you changes when you have on your love magnets!


Love expands in our life through the power of momentum, taking small steps that build our energy and our momentum.  Once we set it in motion, momentum can be an amazing and abundant force, a magnet for more and more and more. 
​

As Deepak Chopra writes, “The more you give, the more you will receive, because you will keep the abundance of the universe circulating in your life. In fact, anything that is of value in life only multiplies when it is given. So if you want joy, give joy to others. If love is what you seek, offer love.” As Deepak suggests, "You can give a small gift to everyone you encounter, whether a smile, a heartfelt compliment, a flower, or a silent blessing. When you do something to make someone happy, you immediately feel more happiness yourself." 

The thing is, it’s easier to share love with other people if you’re happy with yourself, if you accept yourself and love yourself first. 

A big thing to keep in mind (and this can be a tough one) is that the universe doesn't always give back love from where you gave it. Your gift of love to one person may be returned by a complete stranger. The key is to keep putting it out wherever you see that it's needed and you'll keep getting it back in return.

Love is the most powerful force in the universe. I believe that one of the biggest reasons we are here on earth is to love and to be loved. Love has the power to heal. Love is the path to living a life of happiness and of well-being. Love shows up in what we do for others, what we give to others. Love forgives faults and imperfections and allows for differences of opinions. Love is compassion for others. Love is gratitude for others. Love is empathy for others. Love doesn't judge. Love listens and love inspires. Love is who and what we really are.


If you want more love, give more love. As Darren Hardy says, "Don't want what you want. That will only create more want. Instead give what you want, that will ignite the process of creating it. Wanting wanting wanting creates more wanting."

If you want more love, be brave and give more love...become a love magnet!
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