Blog Archives

Make Growing A Daily Priority

10/29/2019

I vividly remember a time period in my life where all I could manage each day was to muddle through and survive. I was knee deep with diaper changing, feeding, entertaining, keeping safe, teaching, cleaning, bathing, reading, laundry and trying to manage a household of 5 plus a dog. I also remember the days before deciding to stay home with my kids, when I was juggling all of that plus managing a client base and a career. And before that I remember being a young adult and how exhausted I was working to build a career and find my way as an adult, as a friend, as a girlfriend/wife, as a daughter, sister, etc.. I have to admit I wasn't focused on growing each day, as much as I was on surviving each day.

I was indeed learning and growing, but I wasn't intentionally working at it, or focusing on growing, or determining where I wanted to focus my attention. I was focused on the tasks at hand. Yes, growth came a long with it and yes, I had goals, but as I reflect back my growth goals centered around my career and what was needed to grow and change in my career. I didn't spend much time focusing on my own personal growth. I reacted to what happened in life, and at times not in a way that I felt good about.

It was fairly easy to have years slip by without really stretching myself. Operating under the same status quo, having some of the same personal experiences happen over and over. Growing and stretching takes an openness, a willingness to put forth some extra effort. A willingness to own that you have some things that you can work on to grow and expand yourself.

Certainly, some stages in life are more demanding of your time and energy and it's hard to do more than just survive, but mostly our busyness and our priorities are dictated by us. We can always make room for something if we make it a priority. I think it's important that we make growing a priority. It doesn't have to be huge, but taking a step each day to focus on our personal growth. Even if it's just reading a short paragraph, or watching a short video clip, or reading a blog post, maybe picking up supplies for a new hobby. Whatever it is, no matter how small it may seem, focusing intent effort on how to grow a little bit each day.

I once heard a suggestion that ten cents from every dollar you earn should go to help someone else, and ten cents from every dollar you earn should go to help invest in yourself. Tithing for yourself, to help you grow and improve, what an awesome concept! Maybe to help you attend a personal growth seminar or a retreat that you've had your eye on, or to participate in a mission trip, or to take a class on painting, or to purchase tools for your new hobby, or even to take a vacation. Investing in yourself, I love it! We think about investing in our future all the time don't we? Investing to buy a house, investing for retirement, investing for college funds, is there an account in there for yourself? I love the idea of investing in our future selves.

I believe that we are students of life. We are here growing, learning lessons, experiencing, remembering. Let's work to not become personally stagnant. Let's not risk losing track of who we are and what our soul needs in the busyness of life. I invite each of us to carve out time for to grow and shift and change and expand and learn each day. Some days in big ways and some days in small ways. I love this saying and I don't know who said it, "Each day try to be better than you were yesterday and tomorrow be better than you were today."

2 Comments

Deep Compassionate Listening And Loving Speech To Heal Conflict

10/22/2019

0 Comments

What comes to mind when you think of deep listening or compassionate listening? I just love the phrase "deep listening", it conjures up a vision of listening that I desire to engage in more. It feels like wholehearted listening, listening without response, listening without judgment or expectation where we can truly feel seen and heard. Most of us typically practice negative listening habits (more on this later).

What comes to mind when you think of loving speech? For me it brings to mind open communication filled with compassion and love, lacking in judgment or advice giving.

In an interview with Oprah, Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk and peace activist, discussed the concepts of deep compassionate listening and loving speech. He believes that deep listening, or compassionate listening, can help relieve the suffering of another person and that loving speech in-conjunction with deep compassionate listening allows for the type of communication that will resolve conflict and shift perceptions.

Thich Nhat Hanh describes deep compassionate listening like this:

"You listen with only one purpose, help him or her to empty his heart. And if you remember that you are helping him or her to suffer less, and then even if what he says is full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable to continue to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, with compassion, you give him or her a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him or her to correct his perception, then you wait for another time. But for the time being, you just listen with compassion and help him or her to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing. The fear, the anger and the despair is born on the ground of wrong perception. We have wrong perceptions concerning ourselves and the other person, and that is the foundation for conflict, war and violence."

Thich Nhat Hanh describes loving speech like this:

"The only way we can begin to end conflict is communication between people. We should be able to say like this: 'dear friends, dear people, I know that you suffer a lot. I have not understood enough of your difficulties and suffering. It's not our intention to make you suffer more. It is opposite. So please tell us about your suffering, your difficulties. I'm eager to learn, to understand.' It has to start like that, loving speech. And if you are honest, if you are true, they will open their heart and tell us. And then we practice compassionate, deep listening. And during the process of deep listening, we can learn so much about our own perceptions and their perceptions."

Deep listening and loving speech to end conflict within our personal relationships, professional relationships and global relations.

Deep compassionate listening is to listen with your ears, eyes and heart. To pay attention to body language, to tone of voice, to the hidden emotions behind what is being said. To be fully present. Making someone feel that they are truly listened to, seen and heard.

Most of us typically practice what's considered to be negative listening habits. Here are six negative listening habits (taken from Priceless Professional Development). Do you see yourself in any of them?

1. The Faker: All the outward signs are there: nodding, making eye contact giving the occasional uh-huh. However, the faker isn’t concentrating on the speaker. His mind is elsewhere. He or she is pretending to listen.

2. The Interrupter: The interrupter doesn’t allow the speaker to finish and doesn’t ask clarifying questions or seek more information from the speaker. He’s too anxious to speak his words than to listen.

3. The Thief: The thief uses the speaker’s words only as a way to get to his message across. When the speaker says something, the thief steals the focus and then changes to his own point of view, opinion, story or facts. Favorite thief lines are, “Oh that’s nothing, here’s what happened to me...”, “ I remember when I was…”

4. The Advice Giver: Giving advice is sometimes helpful; however, at other times, this behavior interferes with good listening, because it does not allow the speaker to fully articulate his feelings or thoughts; it doesn’t help the speaker solve his own problems; it prohibits venting; it could also belittle the speaker by minimizing a concern with a quick solution. Well-placed advice is an important function in selling and leading. However, advice given too quickly, and at the wrong time, is a turnoff to the speaker.

5. The Rebuttal-Maker: This listener only listens long enough to form a rebuttal. His point is to use the speaker’s words against him. At his worst, he is argumentative and wants to prove you wrong. At the least, this person always wants to make the speaker see his point of view.

6. The Intellectual or Logical Listener: This person is always trying to interpret what the speaker is saying and why. He’s judging the speaker’s words and trying to fit them into his logic box. He rarely asks about the underlying feeling or emotion attached to a message.

When practicing deep compassionate listening we are practicing positive listening skills, not these type of negative listening habits. Deep compassionate listening says I'm here for you, I'm in it with you, I'm not here to fix you or to judge you, I'm here to feel with you and to let you know that you are not alone.

What might our relationships, and the world overall, look like if we each practiced deep compassionate listening and loving speech?

0 Comments

Unhealthy Mental Habits

10/15/2019

2 Comments

In previous posts, I've shared information on how to build positive, healthy mental habits into your life. Habits that have proven to promote resiliency, happiness, peace and joy. Habits like having a gratitude practice, mindfulness and meditation, practicing forgiveness and compassion.

This week I want to flip the table and focus on letting go of some unhealthy mental habits. By letting go of unhealthy mental habits we are better able to be resilient, to bounce back from adversity. This ability to be resilient, not getting stuck in the muck, is one of the keys to sustaining a happy and healthy life.

Amy Morin, a clinical social worker, psychotherapist and author of the bestselling book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, believes that everyone has the ability to build mental strength, but most people don't know how. Amy says, "We spend a lot of time talking about physical strength and physical health, but much less time on mental strength and mental health. We can choose to perform exercises that will help us learn to regulate our thoughts, manage our emotions, and behave productively despite our circumstances - the 3 basic factors of mental strength. No matter what your goals are, building mental strength is the key to reaching your greatest potential."

Amy covers the following 3 areas of destructive beliefs that rob us of our mental strength.

Unhealthy beliefs about ourselves
This includes feeling sorry for ourself, having a pity party. and replaying the story of negativity, the story of what's gone wrong over and over. Nursing it, cursing it and rehearsing it.

Getting stuck in the place of "why me?" Why is this happening to me? Why is that happening to me? What's wrong with me that I have these things happening to me? Why does this happen to me when wonderful things happen to other people? Playing the comparison game. Comparing ourselves to others and harboring resentment for our circumstance in life. This kind of thinking keeps you stuck, keeps you focused on the problem and keeps you from focusing on the solution.

This category also includes ignoring uncomfortable feelings and emotions. Sweeping them under the rug, avoiding and denying yourself from dealing with them, instead of feeling them and moving through them.

Unhealthy beliefs about others
It can be easy to get stuck in the belief that other people have the ability to control us. When we think that other people control us, we give away our power. There are very few things in life that we absolutely have to do. For instance, you don't have to work late tonight, that gives away your power. You have a choice. There may be a consequence for your choice, but you do have a choice.

Instead of saying, "I have to work late tonight", say " I choose to work late tonight" and then list the reasons why. I choose to work late tonight because it will make tomorrow an easier day. Or, I choose to work late tonight to demonstrate what a dedicated employee I am, to show that I will do what it takes to get the job done, etc. This subtle shift is impactful to our brains. It's telling our psyche that we are in charge and we are choosing to find the meaning behind what we decide in life. Otherwise, you should be saying no and not doing it.

Another example is saying, "My boss drives me crazy!" Maybe your boss is not the nicest person, but it's up to you how you react. You are in control. Instead, consider thoughts like...my boss is teaching me patience, my boss is teaching me diligence, my boss is teaching me compassion, or whatever it is that allows you to find meaning in the experience. Finding meaning in the experience shifts our thinking to something purposeful versus useless and annoying.

Unhealthy beliefs about the world
Unhealthy beliefs about the world include thoughts that the world owes us something. Thinking if we put in enough hard work that we deserve success. Amy says, "Feeling that success is going to fall into your lap like some cosmic reward is going to lead to disappointment." We want the world to be fair and the world is not fair. The world's not always going to feel fair. The world's not always going to feel just.

Understanding and coming to terms with the idea that the world is always going to feel fair and just helps to release this unhealthy belief.

Changing our mental habits requires diligence. It means paying attention to our thoughts, words and beliefs. Catching ourself, stopping and intentionally choosing a different thought pattern, a different speech pattern and ultimately a different set of beliefs. It doesn't happen overnight, it's a conscious decision, a way of life.

Small changes, small steps create impactful ripples in the direction of mental strength and resilience. What is one small step that you can take today to create a healthy habit and/or to let go of an unhealthy habit? It doesn't have to be grandiose, just one small step in the right direction.

2 Comments

All We Need To Do Is Remember

10/8/2019

1 Comment

All we need to do is remember, we don't need to have all of the answers, know all of the solutions, or know all of the reasons why this or that, all we need to do is remember.

All we need to do is remember who we are, where we came from, what our intentions are, what our values and priorities are. When we remember this, the decisions become clearer, the path illuminated.

I know, I know, easier said than done right? On the surface it may seem like this makes the path murky, obscure, even challenging because our ego, and our conditioning, leads us in the other direction of fear. We're conditioned to believe in the survival of the fittest, in scarcity, we make excuses...oh the myriad of excuses.

I propose that all we need to do is remember over and over again and the path will become clearer and unfold with more ease. So simple, and yet it's sometimes easy to forget. We get absorbed in our own stuff and the busyness of life. To trust and have faith that all will be well if we choose this path, if we choose to remember.

All we need to do is remember to be love. Even if we don't think the same, look the same, act the same, believe the same things, all we need to remember is to be love.

All we need to do is remember to be kind. Even if we don't think the same, look the same, act the same, believe the same things, all we need to remember is to be kind.

All we need to do is remember that we are all one, that we are all cut from the same cloth, come from the same Source. Even if we don't think the same, look the same, act the same, believe the same things, all we need to remember is that we are all one.

If we remember to be love and kindness and that we are all one, then everything else falls from them...forgiveness, compassion, gratitude, being of service, respect, etc. Have faith and remember to be love and kindness.

For those who believe in Christianity, remember Jesus and the example he set for us. He was clear on who he was, where he came from, his intentions, values and priorities. He lived them and demonstrated them for us. To follow the example of Jesus is to walk in wisdom. He displayed love, hope, compassion, kindness and servanthood. He did not make excuses to justify veering course from these values.

Just the word itself, Re-Member, implies becoming a part of a group again. Re is a prefix, meaning “again” or “again and again” to indicate repetition, or with the meaning “back” or “backward” to indicate withdrawal or backward motion. And member implies being part of a group. Re-Member.

All we need to do is remember to tap into our inner knowing, to our soul, our heart, and not be afraid to follow its wisdom and guidance. I pray we walk with wisdom, that we treat each other with more kindness, more love, more courtesy, more humility and patience and forgiveness. When enough of us do this consistently enough the world will change and problems will be solved.

1 Comment

Make Growing A Daily Priority

Deep Compassionate Listening And Loving Speech To Heal Conflict

Unhealthy Mental Habits

All We Need To Do Is Remember

Archive

Please sign up to receive weekly new blog posts.