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Can We Change Other People?

5/26/2020

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Do you think it's possible to change other people? There came a point in my younger adult life where I decided that it was impossible to change other people. Then I realized that my actions, my words, my behaviors could effect change in other people. Maybe not in huge dramatic shifts, but certainly in consistent smaller ripples that over time create bigger waves of change. 

I believe that if I practice forgiveness that others around me will be more inclined to practice forgiveness too. I believe if I practice being compassionate that those around me will be influenced to practice compassion as well. I believe that if I am loving and kind and grateful that those around me will pick up on being more loving and kind and grateful themselves. I believe in the possibility of impacting and creating ripples with people whose path I cross. 

Research and science provide evidence that when it comes to happiness and positivity that we can positively impact and effect change in others. Shawn Achor, a happiness researcher, author, and speaker known for his advocacy of positive psychology, suggests several ways to inspire positive change in others. His tips allow for subtle shifts, gentle ripples of change. Here  are his suggestions for creating shifts in others toward positivity and happiness.


Praise Habit - Praise one person new each day about a strength they posses and how they are using it. This quick habit is a powerful way to inspire happiness and a deep sense of confidence, one person at a time. 

The Power Lead - When you initiate a conversation, or a meeting, or any interaction start it off with something positive and optimistic. It establishes the trajectory for the rest of the conversation. Due to the mirror neuron effect the other person will typically respond in kind. We are modeling that positive behavior. It helps to set the tone for how that person sees the world. Something as simple as…”Hey it’s a great day, how are you doing?” 

There are multiple realities all the time. It’s important to choose the valuable reality and share that as your power lead, instead of sharing the negative reality. When we prioritize making a difference in the world, then we find meaning and that builds our happiness. 


The Positive Lead - Ask questions that don’t lead people to a specific answer, you are just leading them to positive territory. Instead of “how was your day?” ask “what was the best part of your day?” They can then scan their day and look for the positive. I especially love this one with my kids.

The 10/5 Way - This is a simple habit that entails acknowledging the another person. Here's how it works, when you are about to pass someone on the sidewalk or in a hallway, when you are 10 feet away initiate eye contact and then at 5 feet away say “hello”. It's a simple gesture that builds social connection. Studies have shown company morale to substantially increase with the implementation of just this one small gesture. 

Joy versus Junk - People bond more over joy than they do junk. If you know what motivates and brings someone joy than you bond with them more. Find ways to have conversations about joy more than about junk. Shift the water cooler talk to something positive. Strong social connections create happier lives.

Social Happy Hour - Invite a group of 2-3 friends/co-workers to have a conversation about what causes them the most happiness in their lives right now and what motivates them to wake up in the morning.

Some of the most meaningful and powerful moments of change in our life occur in the midst of deep connection. But in our fast paced world, it is easy for conversations to sometimes revolve around the “what” instead of the “why,” or focus on the fires we need to put out instead of the joy in the present moment. 

For the Social Happy Hour, your goal is to create connection around happiness. Have a conversation about what causes the most happiness in their lives right now, what they are grateful for, and what challenging negativity they might face. 

Research shows we feel much more connected to people when we know the motivation, rather than the gossip, on the people around us. 

Creating Victories - The key to getting other people to change their behavior is to give their brain a victory. We’ve got to get that first win before we can move people in that positive direction. Sometimes we get wins at work or at home and we don’t even know it because no one is telling us, no one is praising us. The only thing we may hear is the negative on the evaluation or from our parents letting us know the things we aren’t doing or the things we are doing wrong or need to do better.

Shawn Achor says that if you wait for the outcome to celebrate, you’ve waited too long. Don’t praise and celebrate the outcomes, praise and celebrate the process and the behavior that led to those outcomes. The outcomes will change. An example would be of a child doing well on a spelling test. If you praise and celebrate the grade you are limiting their potential because they’ll be afraid to take a risk, they’ll be afraid of failure, they’ll play it safe in order to receive the praise. 
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Positive to Negative Interactions - Research indicates that a ratio of 5:1 of positive interactions to negative interactions is necessary in order to maintain a healthy relationship and for a team to work at its maximum potential. 5 deposits into the bank of positivity for every one withdrawal of negativity or criticism.

I encourage you to go ahead and test drive some, or all of these suggestions for inspiring happiness, positivity and change in others. Create a ripple of goodness out into the world through your actions, your behaviors. I believe that my actions, my thoughts, my behaviors do impact others. They do change others. They do change the world. Change YOUR mind, change the WORLD.
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What's Your Story?

5/18/2020

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Isn’t it interesting that when you pause to reflect on your life up to this point, you notice that you’re indeed the author of your own story? Every desire, every choice, every decision has lead you to this point in your life. So, then, the question is … what do you want the next chapters in your book to include? And how can you make sure that the desires, choices and decisions you make are going to lead you there?

Thoughts & Prayers - Every thought you have is sent out as a prayer … you’re praying every moment of every day. Recognize the false beliefs you have in your thought process that don’t serve you and remove them. Tell yourself (over and over again) that this thought doesn’t serve you and is now being deleted. Then, use inspiration to identify your desires. Pay attention to all the things available to you in this world and notice your preferences. Once you’re inspired by the things you prefer, tune into your desires based on your preferences and then design your thoughts to be in alignment with them. Tell yourself (over and over again) that this thought serves you and is now being repeated. Thoughts and words are like a seed planted in the human mind to grow. Be impeccable with your thoughts and words. This is the first step to writing the chapter you want in your book … create the life you desire first with your thoughts and words. 

Intention & Focus – Just with intention alone, you can expand your mind. Focus and imagine that which you desire actually being in your life. Create affirmations to solidify your desires and use your imagination to strengthen the visual image of them coming into being. Take advantage of the “sweet spot” for imagining what you desire. At night, right before falling asleep when our conscious mind is relaxing is one sweet spot. The other is in the morning, just at the moment between sleep and waking. Use these times to infuse your imaginings into your subconscious mind. Be focused but also patient. When you’re birthing a new way of living, it takes time for it to mature. Keep being focused even though nothing seems to be happening. It is.

Devotion & Action – When you devote yourself to this process of co-creation (along with our Creator) and move in the world with awareness of yourself, you strengthen the belief that every desire you have, every choice you make, will come to fruition. Focus in on the next small step in the direction of your desires. Energy moves with decision-making. So you must take action to move your desires forward. When choices present themselves in your day, choose what brings you closer to your desires … and closer to the story you want to create.

Does this sound like work? Think about this … which is harder? Frustration, unhappiness, feeling incomplete like something’s missing in your life and a lack of what you desire? Or going through the process outlined above?

One is haphazard and disjointed. The other is being in the creative, harmonious and synchronistic flow of your life. Whichever you choose, you’re the author of your book … you’re creating it.

There may be times when you get writer’s block and just let life happen to you. Be aware when this happens and pivot to re-center yourself into this process. This is where self-awareness is really important; so you not only know when you’re off center, but also understand what got you there.

Why write an uninspiring book when you can write a masterpiece? One that’s enjoyed through the ages as a beautiful life story … an inspirational, shining example of a life well lived. You choose!
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Fear And Ego

5/11/2020

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Does fear get in your way? Do you hold back because you are afraid? Fear of being vulnerable, afraid of being judged, fear of not being perfect, afraid of the unknown, fear of failure or being misunderstood?  

Fear is...False Evidence Appearing Real. This acronym does a nice job of zeroing in on what most of our fears are really about. We often tell ourselves stories that simply are not true, and these "stories" get in our way. We can become intoxicated by our stories and our fears.   

On a basic level fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger...if we didn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But, all too often we fear situations that are far from life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good reason. Traumas or bad experiences can trigger a fear response within us that is hard to squelch. These experiences start early on when we are young children and continue throughout our lives...layer, by layer, by layer we build up stories and fear. We take fear from the past and reorganize and recreate it in the present and project it onto the future. 

Fear is unbelief, fear is rooted in self. When you are fearful you are not in alignment with God, with the Universe, with Spirit.  Gabrielle Bernstein states, "The presence of fear is a sure sign that you're relying on your own strength. A sure sign that we have disconnected from the presence of our power, it is a sure sign that we have disconnected from the connection that we have to spirit. When you realize that you are operating in fear and relying on your own strength, you feel scared, lost, anxious, controlling, isolated, trapped, stuck, weak...leaking your power." She goes on to say that, "When you witness that you are in fear, you can open up to a strength far greater than yours through very simple words. Even by just saying 'I surrender'. That's enough to open the invisible door. We surrender what we think we know."

Fear is the opposite of love.  Marianne Williamson in her book A Return to Love says, " Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the relinquishment, or unlearning, of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts. Love casts out sin or fear the way light casts out darkness."  

Another amazing quote from Marianne Williamson's book A Return to Love, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are POWERFUL beyond measure.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  It is our LIGHT, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you. We are ALL made to shine as children do.  It's not just in some of us; it is in EVERYONE. And as we let our lights shine, we unconsciously give permission to others to do the same. As we are LIBERATED from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Another way to put it is fear is synonymous with ego. Ego is that fear-based voice that shows up and keeps us small and keeps us stuck. We can think our way out of the fear and see the insanity of it and detach from it. One way to do this is to name the fear and then identify all of the reasons why the fear is insane/untrue/outrageous and laugh at it. A Course in Miracles calls this laughing at the ego's tiny mad ideas. This way you can reframe the script, so you can tell a new story.

Another powerful tool to help us brave the hot mess and not succumb to fear is to pray. Prayer opens us up to creative solutions and possibilities through surrendering. Surrender what we think we know and we will open up to the flow of the Universe and all things will be possible.

I like to think of Braving the Hot Mess as facing and walking through the challenges of life, the uncertainty, by focusing on love, gratitude, forgiveness, grace, acceptance and surrender. Remembering to get out of our own way, to have faith and trust and to step into our power, so that others around us will be inspired to do the same. 
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A Bad Day For The Ego Is A Good Day For The Soul

5/5/2020

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I recently heard author Robin Sharma in an interview say, "A bad day for the ego is a good day for the soul." Hmmm, I love that! Does your ego sometimes get the better of you? I know mine sometimes does. It can be easy to get caught up in our ego and ruminate stories that don't serve us. 

Our egos are powerful. They can make us believe that everything is about us. They can make us feel defensive when others offer up criticism. They can allow us to believe that people are slighting us when it's actually our own insecurities. They get wounded when relationships struggle or end painfully. Our ego will make us feel separate and superior to others and it will work to preserve its sense of self-importance at any cost. 

Spiritually, ego means considering oneself to be distinct, or separate from others and from God. It's the opposite of identifying with the Soul or God within us and living our daily life with this consciousness, the concept of...we are all one. The ego fools us into becoming overly identified with our bodies, our thoughts and emotions. 
I've often heard the acronym for ego to be Edge God Out. I really like this description of ego.

The ego identifies itself as just a physical body that is born and dies, instead of seeing ourselves as spiritual beings having a human experience.

​Deepak Chopra describes the ego this way, "The ego is our self-image, not our true self. It is characterized by labels, masks, images, and judgments. The true self is the field of possibilities, creativity, intentions, and power. We can go beyond the ego through self awareness - awareness of our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and speech. Thus we begin to slowly move beyond the ego to the true self."  Deepak describes the coats, the hats. the masks that we wear to in essence "hide" our true self. 

I believe that awareness is a huge step toward making shifts. Paying attention, being mindful of how we feel, what we are thinking, what we are saying and how we are behaving. Just having awareness, just paying attention causes a big shift in our response. 

Self-inquiry is an important tool when being mindful. Working to understand, to be curious about what we are feeling and thinking and why and then accepting it. Once we understand and accept it then it no long has a hold over us. 


It helps me to remember to not let my ego make decisions for me. Instead, I work to let my higher self make the decisions. My higher self makes decisions based on love, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, peace and joy. 

​It helps me to remember to follow these guidelines:

Don't be quick to judge...be quick to listen, to empathize, to be compassionate, to apologize, to forgive, to love.

Don't be quick to be right...be quick to understand, to hear another perspective, to be open to a different way, a different thought, a new direction, to love.

Don't be quick to bully, to manipulate, to control, to compete...be quick to collaborate, to compromise, to respect, to partner, to love.

You don't need to be those things, you are okay, you are safe, you are enough. Take the time to pause, to connect to your higher wisdom. Don't Edge God Out. 
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