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How To Cultivate Empathy

5/31/2016

In last week's post I shared some thoughts on empathy. This week, I want to follow up with a few ideas on how to cultivate empathy in our lives and in the world. I also want to share with you six negative listening habits that we are all probably guilty of engaging in from time to time.

One of the best ways to cultivate empathy is to truly listen to people. To listen with your ears, eyes and heart. To pay attention to their body language, to their tone of voice, to the hidden emotions behind what they are saying. To be fully present. Making someone feel that they are truly listened to is the most fundamental aspect of empathy.

Listening ideally requires three things. First, paraphrase what the person said to show that you understand. Second, reflect back to them your emotional reaction. Reflecting back your emotions helps the person better understand and regulate their own emotions. Third, share with them how your response makes you want to behave. By expressing your behavior, you are demonstrating that you understand their emotional state, it also helps them to figure out a behavior to move forward with. I've included more on listening later in this post.

Another great way to cultivate empathy is to live with curiosity. To take a personal interest in people of all walks of life. Show people that you care and have a genuine, nonjudgmental curiosity about their life. Ask them questions about their family, their work, their hobbies, their challenges, their aspirations, about what makes them happy.

Understand our commonality and that we are all one. Consider that everyone has a mind, a body and a heartbeat. That everyone has dreams, everyone has fears, everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants to be happy. Remember that whatever effects you and impacts you, in turn impacts me. This can take some practice, but it can change the way you interact with the world.

Here are six negative listening habits (taken from Priceless Professional Development). Do you see yourself in any of them?

1. Faker: All the outward signs are there: nodding, making eye contact giving the occasional uh-huh. However, the faker isn’t concentrating on the speaker. His mind is elsewhere. He or she is pretending to listen.

2. The Interrupter: The interrupter doesn’t allow the speaker to finish and doesn’t ask clarifying questions or seek more information from the speaker. He’s too anxious to speak his words than to listen.

3. The Happy Hooker: The happy hooker uses the speaker’s words only as a way to get to his message across. When the speaker says something, and frankly it could be anything, the happy hooker steals the focus and then changes to his own point of view, opinion, story or facts. Favorite hooker lines are, “Oh that’s nothing, here’s what happened to me...”, “ I remember when I was…”

4. The Advice Giver: Giving advice is sometimes helpful; however, at other times, this behavior interferes with good listening, because it does not allow the speaker to fully articulate his feelings or thoughts; it doesn’t help the speaker solve his own problems; it prohibits venting; it could also belittle the speaker by minimizing a concern with a quick solution. Well-placed advice is an important function in selling and leading. However, advice given too quickly, and at the wrong time, is a turnoff to the speaker.

5. Rebuttal-Maker: This listener only listens long enough to form a rebuttal. His point is to use the speaker’s words against him. At his worst, he is argumentative and wants to prove you wrong. At the least, this person always wants to make the speaker see his point of view.

6. The Intellectual or Logical Listener: This person is always trying to interpret what the speaker is saying and why. He’s judging the speaker’s words and trying to fit them into his logic box. He rarely asks about the underlying feeling or emotion attached to a message.

When practicing empathy we are practicing positive listening skills, not these type of negative listening habits. Empathy says I'm here for you, I'm in it with you, I'm not here to fix you or to judge you, I'm here to feel with you and to let you know that you are not alone.

Being able to practice empathy is one of the most important skills that we can learn. In a world that spends so much time picking at flaws and weaknesses, feeding off of fear and anger in people, empathy can serve to offset that fear and anger. Empathy and compassion lead to love and kindness, helping us to lead more fulfilling and healthier lives. Cultivating and practicing empathy is like a muscle that strengthens the more we use it.

I would love to hear what you think. Did you recognize yourself in any of the six negative listening habits? How do you work to cultivate and practice empathy in your life? Please drop me a comment or send me an email.

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Walk In Someone Else's Shoes

5/24/2016

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We've all heard of the phrase "walk in someone else's shoes", but what does this really mean and is it even possible? Don't you sometimes wish that others could walk in your shoes and understand you and your life better?

The idea of practicing empathy and compassion is not new. It seems as though we are being called upon to exercise empathy regularly in today's world. I always considered myself pretty good at trying to put myself in someone else's shoes. I worked at understanding their world, their viewpoint, their experiences.

I've come to understand empathy even more the past several years and obtained a more in-depth understanding through a course I took taught by research professor and author Brene Brown. Brene's work is amazing and her style of teaching is very real-life and practical. I highly recommend her!

I want to share with you some of what I have learned that has helped me with my practice of empathy. First of all though, why is practicing empathy important? What would the world look like if we didn't practice empathy? What would our relationships with others be like if we didn't practice empathy?

The Bible often refers to the quality of empathy and provides several examples of empathy in action. The Bible also commands us to love our neighbor as ourself. Though we may intend to love one another, it seems that we often miss opportunities. Maybe because we are unaware of others’ needs while walking around in our "urban trance", or perhaps because we are not practicing empathy. Empathy is the key that can unlock the door to our kindness and compassion.

Jesus was always sensitive to the plight of others, but are we exercising empathy the way Jesus did? I've heard statements such as...the measure of a person, is how they treat someone who is of absolutely no use to them. Isn't that true? It's easier to exercise empathy for someone we know and love, someone who has a stake in our life. It's more challenging if it's someone who we have no contact with, someone who we think is of no consequence to us.

Empathy moves us to consider the actions of others when we make decisions. It's an important component of effective relationships, it's the oil that keeps relationships running smoothly. Empathy (and compassion) might have been viewed as soft in the past, but having the courage to show empathy and compassion is a sign of strength, not weakness. For me, it would also be the sign of a good leader.

A good leader is someone who can inspire others to help. As our world becomes more interconnected, and cooperation and communication become more important than ever before, empathy will be even more critical for thriving.

Empathy is perspective taking and mindfulness. It's an emotional and thinking muscle that becomes stronger the more we use it. Brene Brown explains it this way, "Perspective taking is to acknowledge that the way you see the world, through your lens, is as real and as true and as accurate as the lens by which I see the world. Perspective taking is listening to the truth as other people experience it and acknowledging it as truth. It is not taking off your lens and putting on their lens, because that is impossible to do. Our lens is soldered to our head. Empathy says, let me get curious about what you see. Let me stop and listen and hear about what you see."

Brene explains the power of empathy to be, "I'm in it with you. I'm not here to fix you. I'm not here to feel it for you. I'm here to feel with you and let you know you're not alone."

Next week I will follow up with some key ways to cultivate empathy, including a discussion on listening and six negative listening habits.

I invite you to start today looking at people who are suffering and try as best as you can to imagine the world through their eyes. Walk in their shoes. If each of us did that, then I believe that the world could be a different, more loving, more kind and better place.

What do you think? Do you work on practicing empathy? Do you think the world would be a better place if we each strengthened our empathy muscle? I would love to hear from you, please drop me a comment or send me an email.

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What Is The Story You Tell Yourself?

5/17/2016

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What is the story that you tell yourself? You know the one that plays over and over in your head as you are going through your day. Is it a good one? Is it one that is serving you in a positive way? Is it one that is leading you to more happiness, to your highest and best good? Is it helping you to carry out your hopes and dreams? Is it telling you that you are lovable, that you belong, that you are enough?

Or, is it one that is bringing you down? One that is defeating you? A story that is keeping you from living out your life to its fullest in every way? A story that tells you that you are not enough, that you are unlovable, or that you don't belong, or that you are not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, not skinny enough, not quick enough, not thoughtful enough? What is the story that you tell yourself? If you are like me, it varies depending on the area of my life. Some stories are awesome, some are not so great and are not serving me at all.

My workout instructor, friend and colleague, Haywood Simmons, during challenging workouts tells us, "That's your old story, what's the new story that you are creating? Quit telling yourself the old story." This is so true! I may be running and telling myself that I'm not a runner, I can't make it, I suck at running, I hate running, I'm too old to run, blah blah blah. How is that story serving me? Is it heading me in the direction of my goals? Is it getting me what I want? If your old story isn't serving you than quit telling yourself it, create a new story.

Letting go of the old story

How easy is it for you to let go of your attachment to your old story? How attached to it are you? Sometimes, even if we don't like the story, it's what we are familiar with, it's what we know, it's our comfort zone. How comfortable is it to change the story, to tell ourselves a new story, to venture into unchartered territory? Sometimes the fear of the unknown, the fear of trying on a new story holds us back. What if we can't do it, what if we fail? Fear holds us back and can cause us to get stuck in the same old story.

Being willing to release the old story can be hard. We have that old pattern to break and it takes some diligence, some practice, some patience, some courage to break it and rewrite a new one.

The first step in the process is be willing to recognize the story and the desire to change it. Just the awareness and the willingness are huge steps in the right direction. Every time you notice yourself starting to tell the old story stop, breathe, acknowledge that it's the old story, and then affirm something about the new story of your life. Even something as simple as, "I am brave and courageous", or "I am enough", are wonderful affirmations to help begin the shift in another direction.

Write a new story

What is the new story that you want to create, your new goal or habit? The next step is to believe that you can make it happen. Get pumped, get psyched, develop a sense of certainty that you can do it. There’s been a lot of research on the biology of belief at the cellular level, so work on believing that you can make it happen. Another trick to be aware of is that the brain can’t really tell the difference between a scene you actually see and one you imagine vividly. So, envision in great detail accomplishing this goal, implementing this habit, this new story and what your life would be like.

The next step is to give yourself a lot of “small wins”. Plan for incremental changes. For example, if your goal is to become a vegan, stop eating animal products once a week at first, then twice a week, etc., until you’ve stopped completely. Each small victory of a meat-free day rewards you with a boost in dopamine. When we achieve a goal, dopamine is released in the brain, making us feel good. Dopamine contributes to pleasure and joy, but new studies indicate that it is also essential for habit formation. The satisfaction of a small success keeps you going and makes you want to do better.

You can boost up the dopamine even more by rewarding yourself and celebrating your win. If your goal was to workout three times per week and you accomplish it, maybe treat yourself to a new pair of running shoes. Releasing more dopamine will help you form positive habits by allowing you to feel joy. Consider creating a reward for yourself every time you achieve a small victory. So, instead of focusing on a negative, like that you’re still not fully vegan after three months (which releases all kinds of negative hormones in your body), celebrate that you’re now down to eating meat only three times a week compared to seven times, which will give you a dopamine boost, and make you progress even more, and more permanently.

Shawn Achor, Ph.D. recommends the 3-20 second rule for establishing new habits. To introduce a new habit, he recommends that we lower by 3-20 seconds the time needed to perform it. To avoid an existing unwanted habit, increase by 3-20 seconds the time needed to perform it. This rule helps to make new habits easier to adopt and old habits harder to maintain. For example, if your goal is to get up early and workout, set your running shoes by the bed, lay out your workout clothes and set out your breakfast the night before. These small tasks will make it a few seconds easier for you to accomplish your goal in the morning enough to cause you succeed.

Do the opposite for getting rid of bad habits or old stories. If you desire to watch less TV, take the batteries out of the remote control and place them in a drawer and put a book down where the remote usually resides. The simple act of having to put them back in will deter you from falling back into the bad habit.

Be compassionate with yourself along the way. Acknowledging that this is a new story and stories take some patience, some love and understanding, some diligence, some attention to the details and some tender-loving care.

Be mindful of the pictures that you paint in your head. What story are they creating? What movie are you watching? Are they painting and creating the life that you desire, or the old story of who you are?

What do you think? Is your story serving you? How hard is it to detach from the old story to begin a new one? I would love to hear your comments on this post. Drop me a comment of send me an email!

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Before You Speak...

5/10/2016

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We've all heard the phrase, "Think before you speak" right? I've heard it and I've worked on practicing it, but boy sometimes it's easy to quickly respond and say something, or to remain in old patterns. Sometimes I speak and then wish I hadn't. I wish I would have made a better choice, wish I could pull the words back into my mouth. Ever had a time (or two) like that?

Our words have power (remember the rice experiment from my post on January 27, 2015?) They are impactful to ourselves and to others. Some words of wisdom, some rules to live by, that I have found helpful are from the poet Rumi, “Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates. At the first gate, ask yourself, ‘Is it true?’ At the second ask, ‘Is it necessary?’ At the third gate ask, ‘Is it kind?”

You take one gate at a time and move through the process to determine what, if, when and how this communication should take place.

Gate #1: Is it true?

Is what you are about to say true? Is it factual? This not only addresses whether the communication is hearsay, but also whether it's based on perception. Use this gate to determine if this is perception or fact. If it's truth, you can move on to Gate #2.

Gate #2: Is it necessary?

There is an old yogic wisdom that goes something like, “If your words aren’t benefiting the universe don’t say them.” The idea is don’t allow your ego to do the speaking.

Another way to look at this one is to ask yourself, "Does it add value?" and/or "Does it improve the silence?"

This also brings up the concept of being right. Sometimes we feel a strong need to be right at all costs. You may want to ask yourself, "Do you want peace or do you want to be right?"

If it's true and it's necessary, you can move on to Gate #3.

Gate #3: Is it kind?

Is what you are about to say kind and compassionate? Is the timing of it being said kind and compassionate? Are the words and the phrasing that you are choosing kind and loving or frustrated and harsh?

You are the gatekeeper of your words. Sometimes we need to take a moment to stop and to think before we speak. It helps me to stop and take a deep belly breath in and then push it all out a couple of times. This helps me to interrupt my normal pattern, my normal response, my normal mode of operation and consider a different approach...which may include silence :)

Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? I invite you to answer these 3 questions before you speak. What do you think about passing through these 3 gates before speaking? Is it a worthwhile practice? I would love to hear your thoughts. Drop me a comment or send me an email.

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Choose Again

5/3/2016

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What happens when life gets you down? Maybe you are feeling grumpy or misunderstood, angry, sad, scared, or anxious. Maybe the day started off great, but you were thrown a curveball, or maybe you didn't get a restful night's sleep. Whatever the case may be, what can you do about it?

No matter what, you can always choose again. If the day isn't going the way that you would like, choose again. If you are feeling grumpy, or sad, or angry, choose again. Choose forgiveness over anger, choose to be happy over sad, choose to be light instead of heavy, choose to be compassionate and empathetic over judgmental, choose love over hate, choose peace over fighting, choose meditating over feeling stressed, choose to be resilient over being grumpy. Make the choice to choose again.

I know it sounds simplistic, but it really truly is that simple. YOU are in control of your mind, no one else is. YOU get to choose what you focus on and how you choose to feel, so if it isn't positive, if it isn't serving you, choose again. Do what it takes to feel good now.

So, how do we choose again? There are a couple of strategies that work best for me. The first step is to be mindful, to be present and aware of what I am thinking and feeling. To pause, take a deep breath and recognize that I've gone off path from my intention, and to remind myself of my intention. Just stopping and breathing is sometimes enough.

A powerful technique that helps me to reset and to shift is gratitude. It's quick and can be done anytime and anywhere. I list off to myself all of the things I am grateful for in that moment and intentionally recognize all of the goodness that exists in my life with as much detail as I can. Once I've shifted to a grateful state, I am choosing to feel good which in turn helps me to be compassionate and loving and kind and forgiving.

Another powerful technique to help choose again and to feel good now, is to be of service to someone else. Doing something for someone else is one of the quickest ways to serve yourself. My friend Haywood Simmons calls this selfishly selfless. Reach out to someone in need or do a random act of kindness. Smile at a stranger, open the door for the person behind you, extend a compliment, express appreciation for someone who has helped you. Small, simple tasks create powerful momentum in the direction of positivity.

There are tons of awesome quick and easy meditation techniques that are great at helping to choose again. One that I love is taught by Gabby Bernstein, it's called peace begins with me. Start out by touching the thumb and forefinger together while taking a breath and saying the word peace. Then touch the thumb and middle finger together, take a breath and say the word begins. Next touch your thumb and your ring finger together, take a breath and say the word with. Now touch your thumb and pinky finger together, take a breath and say the word me. It can be done anywhere and anytime and it's an awesome one for kids to learn. Peace begins with me.

Gabby has two other quick and easy meditation techniques that she demonstrates at http://gabbyb.tv/meditation/5-minute-meditations-to-make-you-feel-awesome-right-now.

Finding the tools that work to help you make the shift to choose again and then practicing them are the key.

Even when facing some of life's greatest challenges we have a choice. A choice as to how I am going to show up, what I am going to bring to the table. We are going to move through the day, through the experience no matter what, and we get to decide how that existence is going to be. Whether it's going to be a positive one where we shine more light on the world, or a negative one, where we dim our light. The choice is ours.

Your forgiveness, your love, your surrender, your faith, your lack of judgment, your gratitude, your commitment, your health. It's your choice and you always have the choice to choose again. No matter what the past has been, no matter what is going on at this moment in time, you have a choice as to how you show up. You can always choose again.

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How To Cultivate Empathy

Walk In Someone Else's Shoes

What Is The Story You Tell Yourself?

Before You Speak...

Choose Again

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