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Can I Have Your Attention Please?

3/29/2016

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Sometimes I feel like getting someone's attention is a huge challenge! I want to get a big honkin megaphone and yell into it what I'm trying to communicate. Kid's pick your socks up, it's time for dinner, it's time for bed, put your backpack in your cubbie, who's picking up the girls from dance, did we take out the garbage...hello is anyone listening to me? 

I know I'm guilty of the same thing though, busy in my own thoughts, in my own world, not paying attention. The phones ringing, text and email messages are coming in, work needs to get done, life is full. I told you about it, no you didn't tell me, yes I told you yesterday, well I didn't hear you...sound familiar?

In today's world
our attention is under siege. We are bombarded with multiple forms of stimuli at all times. A lot of us, a lot of the time, are looking down at our cell phones, paying attention to what our phone is telling us versus paying attention to what is going on around us, or to what someone else is telling us. Especially the younger generation who have grown up with some type of technological device in their hand most of the time. They can be sitting next to someone and choose to text or snapchat the person instead of looking up and have a real interaction.

We go and go and go, distracted by the endless to do lists, the busyness of running to and from activities, the mess of thoughts that are running through our head trying to keep track of it all, the hustle and bustle of keeping up with the tasks of modern day life. Sound familiar? If we are so preoccupied with ourselves and with our own lives, and we are not paying attention, we are potentially missing out on some important details in life. Details bigger than pick up your socks.
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Recently ​I've been studying emotional intelligence and how important our emotional intelligence is to our overall success and happiness in life. Your emotional quotient (EQ) is deemed to be a more important indicator of your success in all areas of your life than is your intelligence quotient. How many of us consciously develop our own, or our children's, emotional quotient?

Emotional intelligence can be defined in multiple ways. Here's one explanation from Psychology Today. Emotional intelligence 
is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. It is generally said to include 3 skills:

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1. Emotional awareness, including the ability to identify your own emotions and those of others;
2. The ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problems solving;
3. The ability to manage emotions, including the ability to regulate your own emotions, and the ability to cheer up or calm down another person.

How can we be aware of our own emotions and those of others when we are distracted with the busyness of life and not paying attention? A wandering, chaotic mind is an unhappy mind. 

Daniel Goleman, author of the book Emotional Intelligence, Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, believes that the way to increase your EQ is to be mindful. He believes that mindfulness is about getting intentional about your attention. Getting out of what Goleman calls our "urban trance". 

Compassion has been a big theme lately and Goleman also believes that the road to compassion starts with pure attention. Compassion begins with your own emotional hygiene. Once you get yourself in order, you are then able to open your heart so you can be compassionate toward others. Research has found that if we are preoccupied with our own busyness, we will be much less likely to be compassionate toward others. We see suffering, such as a homeless person, out of our periphery vision, but we choose to keep them in the periphery.


This week I invite you to up your emotional quotient by being mindful and intentionally paying attention. Pay attention to your own emotions and to the emotions of those around you. To get out of our urban trance and pay attention to what's in our periphery. In a follow up post I will offer some suggestions on how to use mindfulness to help manage our thoughts, emotions and feelings.

What do you think? Have you noticed yourself operating in an urban trance? Do you believe EQ to be more important than IQ? I would love to hear your feedback on this post. Drop me a comment or send me an email.
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Do Your Eyes Light Up?

3/22/2016

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I have a question for you...do your eyes light up when someone you love walks in the room? When your kids walk in the room, do your eyes light up? When your spouse walks in the room, do your eyes light up? When your friend walks in the room, do your eyes light up? When a family member walks in the room, do your eyes light up? You know what I mean, the little twinkle, the sparkle in your eye that says I'm glad to see you, you matter, you are important to me, you light up my world, you make my days brighter. 

Do your eyes light up when you see me? Not just for who you see at that moment, but for the best version of who you know me to be? One of our most core desires is to matter, is to be seen and loved for who we are. To be seen for the best that we can be. To be seen for how you want to be seen. 

It's similar to the way that a dog responds when its owner comes home, always excited, always happy to see you. That amazing unconditional love. 

I know that there are many times where I'm engrossed in the tasks at hand when someone comes home or walks in the room. I'm busy making dinner, working on the computer, talking on the phone, looking down at my phone, doing dishes, etc.. Even when I pick my child up from school, an 
activity, or from a friend's house I may be distracted and may not take a moment to actually look up, to make eye contact...to have my eyes light up at their presence.

How would it make each of us feel if someone we loved eyes lit up when we walked in the room? Not just when we've been gone for a long period of time, not just when they are excited to see us so they can tell us something, but just because.

​I don't think it's possible for my eyes to light up without a smile showing up on my face at the same time. Go ahead try it, I think you need to be smiling too. My guess is if your eyes light up and you are smiling that you'll get guess what in return? You got it...a smile will come back at you. What better way to start off an interaction with someone than with a smile and twinkly eyes?

Now I know, I know, people might think you've lost your mind, or that you're taking some kind of happy pill, but give it a try anyway! Look up from what you are doing and twinkle up those eyes and show those pearly whites. The other person's mirror neurons will kick in and they will light up and smile too!

While you're at it kick off the conversation with some positivity. Use what's called a power lead..."It's a great day, how are you doing?" This activates the mirror neuron effect and the other person will typically respond in kind with something positive. This establishes the trajectory for the rest of the conversation. Or, instead of asking "How are you?" or "How was your day?"  use a positive lead..."What was the best part of your day?" This question leads the responder to scan their day looking for the positive and then to share that with you.

We all want to be loved for who we are, and seen for the best version of who we can be. This week I invite you to let your loved ones feel your unconditional love by lighting up when they walk in the room. 

I would love to hear your thoughts on this post. Let me know how your loved ones respond as your eyes light up, or as you try out a power lead or a positive lead. Drop me a comment or send me an email!


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The World We Make

3/15/2016

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I had the honor and privilege of attending an event last week called, The World We Make, featuring the Dalai Lama and Dr. Richard Davidson. It was wonderful to listen to the wisdom of the Dalai Lama and Dr. Davidson along with the other individuals on the panel. Dr. Richard Davidson is a neuroscientist, a professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, as well as founder and chair of the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at the Waisman Center. Here are some of the highlights that I took away from the event.

Change Your Mind, Change The World

​The overriding theme was change your mind, change the world. The idea that world peace begins with inner peace. A lot of  the discussion centered around the benefits of meditation as a tool to 
achieve inner peace. The Dalai Lama believes that scientific research into meditation is important because having evidence and knowledge about the physical and mental benefits meditation can have on a person enhances “the well-being of the world.” Meditation is a way to find peace of mind within oneself without relying on outside escapes, such as drugs or alcohol, he said.

Dr. Davidson said having good health doesn’t just mean the “absence of illness” in the body, but also removing suffering from the mind. He believes that teaching others how to do that through the practice of meditation, learning to live happier, can have real long-term benefits.

“It’s public health because disturbing emotions we know cause changes in the body that impact our physical health,” Davidson said. “And so there is evidence to suggest that people who are happier and have higher levels of well-being actually have biology that is more conducive to health.”

Dr. Davidson discussed how research has proven that well-being (which he partly defines as happiness) is a skill that can be learned. He detailed four constituents of well-being that have been extensively investigated neuroscientifically. 

1. Resilience - how quickly we recover from adversity. Having a meditation practice cultivates increased resilience.

2. Positive outlook - when you look at every human being you see their basic goodness and savor and imbue everything that we do. 

3. Attention - a wandering mind is an unhappy mind. We can learn to pay attention through meditation. 

4. Generosity - acts of generosity activates circuits in the brain that promote well-being.

Research shows these are skills that can be learned and enhanced creating more well-being.

The Dalai Lama's message consistently focused on love and compassion, the concept of oneness and humanity,  and education on inner awareness based on science. He noted that all religions acknowledge love and that meditation (which he refers to as mental training) creates more love. He stressed that we are talking about humanity and not specific religions. He believes that oneness and compassion will bring world peace. 

The Dalai Lama also discussed prayer. He said that praying by itself is not okay, that we need prayer and effort. He said that we can bring our prayers to Jesus or to Buddha or to whomever asking them to solve the world's problems. He believes that they would say...you created them, you fix them. He feels that yes we should pray, but that prayer without action is not okay. We also need to make the effort ourselves to do what it takes to fix the problems that humankind has made. 
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These were just some of the highlights, I have included below a link to the youtube video of the entire event. It's an hour and a half long. I found it hard to hear and understand the Dalai Lama when he first speaks, don't get discouraged his voice projects more after a few minutes. I also found that I became accustomed to his accent allowing me to understand him better after the first few minutes. Enjoy!

What are your thoughts on these highlights or on the video? Do you agree that oneness and compassion will bring world peace?  Do you agree that prayer without effort isn't enough? What do you think about the four constituents of well-being? Do you agree that well-being is a skill that can be learned and enhanced? Have you started a meditation practice yet? If not, what's holding you back? I would love to hear your comments and feedback!


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You Can't Numb The Dark Without Also Numbing The Light

3/8/2016

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What do you do to cope when facing dark times? One coping mechanism that a lot of us use is numbing. We attempt to numb to take the edge off the difficult and challenging thoughts, feelings and emotions we experience.

​We might numb by drinking, by overeating, by using drugs, prescription or otherwise, by overspending. We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated society in history.

There are other ways to numb too that on the surface may not seem to fall into the numbing category. Things like being a perfectionist, trying to control and make everything uncertain - certain, or pretending...we pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. Do you see yourself in any of these numbing behaviors?

​So why do we numb ourselves? What is so scary that we need to take the edge off it in order to cope? Brene Brown is a research professor and author who has spent a majority of her career studying vulnerability. According to Brene, many of us numb
vulnerability. We are afraid to be vulnerable, to be exposed, to be seen, to feel that we are enough, so we take the edge off by numbing ourselves.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Eh, what's so bad about that?" What researchers have found is that you can't selectively numb. You can't numb the dark stuff, the bad stuff, without also numbing the light, the good stuff, the joy. You can't selectively numb emotion and feeling. 

​Another interesting thing that Brene discovered in her research is that the most vulnerable emotion we experience as human beings is joy. What joy? Yes joy, when we experience joy we tend to immediately go to waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Here's an example, many of us are parents envision watching your sweet beautiful child as he or she is peacefully sleeping. You are probably thinking to yourself how precious they are, and how blessed you are to have them in your life. Your heart swells up with love and with joy. Now, if you are like many of us, your instant next thought will be one of terror..."Oh my gosh what if something happens to them?"  Your brain will begin to think of the worst and try as it may to prepare for the worst. We practice for something horrible to happen. We want to beat vulnerability to the punch, so we prepare for the worst. We dress rehearse tragedy. 
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Sound at all familiar? I know it does to me. I have done that exact same thing. Brene calls this foreboding joy. Foreboding joy steals away the moments from us that are probably the most important in our lives. Can you really ever prepare yourself for the worst anyway? Does numbing really take it away?

Being willing to be vulnerable takes courage. It says, I am enough and my imperfection doesn't change that. It says, I am not willing to play small so as to not be vulnerable. To be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen is courageous and it's important. Vulnerability is the birthplace of authenticity, of innovation and creativity. 

Researchers have found that those who had the capacity and willingness to lean into joy and feel it practiced gratitude. I've mentioned how important and transformative leading a grateful life is and this is just one additional reason. Expressing three new gratitudes each day is a huge start to leading a grateful life. 

I encourage you to lean into the joy through gratitude, to be willing to be seen, to be vulnerable. To experience the fullness of life. To be your perfectly imperfect beautiful self!

I would love to hear your feedback on this post. What do you think? Can you numb the dark without also numbing the light? Do you witness yourself engaging in numbing behavior? Are you willing to be vulnerable? Drop me a comment or send me an email.
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Be A Rainbow In Somebody's Cloud

3/1/2016

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I recently watched a wonderful video of Dr. Maya Angelou where she references an old African song with a line in it that says, "When it looks like the sun wasn't going to shine anymore, God put a rainbow in the clouds." Dr. Angelou goes on to say, "Imagine! I've had so many rainbows in my clouds. I had a lot of clouds, but I had so many rainbows." 

​Dr. Angelou said she always carried these "rainbows" with her to her speaking engagements. "I bring everyone who has ever been kind to me with me," she said. "Black, white, Asian, Spanish-speaking, Native American, gay, straight, everybody. I said, 'Come on with me. I'm going on the stage. Come with me. I need you now.'"

Whether her "rainbows" were living or had long since passed, Dr. Angelou said she always felt and drew strength from their support. "I don't ever feel I have no help," she said. "I had rainbows in my clouds."

"The thing to do, it seems to me, is to prepare yourself so you can be a rainbow in somebody else's cloud. Somebody who may not look like you. May not call God the same name you call God -- if they call God at all," she chuckled. "I may not dance your dances or speak your language. But be a blessing to somebody. That's what I think."

​Be a blessing to somebody...I love that! Prepare yourself so you can be a blessing, a rainbow in somebody's cloud. Especially if there is a day where you are maybe feeling a little down and out, one of the best ways to feel better...to feel good now, to choose happiness, is to be of service to someone else. To be a blessing to someone else. It makes them feel good and it makes you feel good. 
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She says she takes everyone who has ever been kind to her with her on stage. Can you think of everyone who has ever been kind to you? Just start imagining how many people that would be. Would they fill a room? Would they fill an auditorium? It's a great feeling for me to envision all of the people that I possibly can that have been kind to me. It fills me up with gratitude and love. What a great feeling just to imagine it and what a great feeling to bring them with me whenever I feel that I need some support.

​Let's all be a blessing in someone's life this week, or maybe be a rainbow in someone's cloud. I would love to hear your feedback on this post and I would love to hear your stories on how you created some rainbow's of kindness this week!

“God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us- in the dreariest and most dreaded moments- can see a possibility of hope.” Maya Angelo

Dr. Maya Angelou's video:


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