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Unhealthy Mental Habits

10/15/2019

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In previous posts, I've shared information on how to build positive, healthy mental habits into your life. Habits that have proven to promote resiliency, happiness, peace and joy. Habits like having a gratitude practice, mindfulness and meditation, practicing forgiveness and compassion.

This week I want to flip the table and focus on letting go of some unhealthy mental habits. By letting go of unhealthy mental habits we are better able to be resilient, to bounce back from adversity. This ability to be resilient, not getting stuck in the muck, is one of the keys to sustaining a happy and healthy life. 

Amy Morin, a clinical social worker, psychotherapist and author of the bestselling book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, believes that everyone has the ability to build mental strength, but most people don't know how. Amy says, "We spend a lot of time talking about physical strength and physical health, but much less time on mental strength and mental health. We can choose to perform exercises that will help us learn to regulate our thoughts, manage our emotions, and behave productively despite our circumstances - the 3 basic factors of mental strength. No matter what your goals are, building mental strength is the key to reaching your greatest potential."

Amy covers the following 3 areas of destructive beliefs that rob us of our mental strength.

Unhealthy beliefs about ourselves
This includes feeling sorry for ourself, having a pity party. and replaying the story of negativity, the story of what's gone wrong over and over. Nursing it, cursing it and rehearsing it. 

Getting stuck in the place of "why me?" Why is this happening to me? Why is that happening to me? What's wrong with me that I have these things happening to me? Why does this happen to me when wonderful things happen to other people? Playing the comparison game. Comparing ourselves to others and harboring resentment for our circumstance in life. This kind of thinking keeps you stuck, keeps you focused on the problem and keeps you from focusing on the solution.

This category also includes ignoring uncomfortable feelings and emotions. Sweeping them under the rug, avoiding and denying yourself from dealing with them, instead of feeling them and moving through them.

Unhealthy beliefs about others
It can be easy to get stuck in the belief that other people have the ability to control us. When we think that other people control us, we give away our power. There are very few things in life that we absolutely have to do. For instance, you don't have to work late tonight, that gives away your power. You have a choice. There may be a consequence for your choice, but you do have a choice.

Instead of saying, "I have to work late tonight", say " I choose to work late tonight" and then list the reasons why. I choose to work late tonight because it will make tomorrow an easier day. Or, I choose to work late tonight to demonstrate what a dedicated employee I am, to show that I will do what it takes to get the job done, etc. This subtle shift is impactful to our brains. It's telling our psyche that we are in charge and we are choosing to find the meaning behind what we decide in life. Otherwise, you should be saying no and not doing it.

Another example is saying, "My boss drives me crazy!" Maybe your boss is not the nicest person, but it's up to you how you react. You are in control. Instead, consider thoughts like...my boss is teaching me patience, my boss is teaching me diligence, my boss is teaching me compassion, or whatever it is that allows you to find meaning in the experience. Finding meaning in the experience shifts our thinking to something purposeful versus useless and annoying. 

Unhealthy beliefs about the world
Unhealthy beliefs about the world include thoughts that the world owes us something. Thinking if we put in enough hard work that we deserve success. Amy says, "Feeling that success is going to fall into your lap like some cosmic reward is going to lead to disappointment." We want the world to be fair and the world is not fair. The world's not always going to feel fair. The world's not always going to feel just. 

Understanding and coming to terms with the idea that the world is always going to feel fair and just helps to release this unhealthy belief. 
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​Changing our mental habits requires diligence. It means paying attention to our thoughts, words and beliefs. Catching ourself, stopping and intentionally choosing a different thought pattern, a different speech pattern and ultimately a different set of beliefs. It doesn't happen overnight, it's a conscious decision, a way of life.

Small changes, small steps create impactful ripples in the direction of mental strength and resilience. What is one small step that you can take today to create a healthy habit and/or to let go of an unhealthy habit? It doesn't have to be grandiose, just one small step in the right direction.  ​
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All We Need To Do Is Remember

10/8/2019

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All we need to do is remember, we don't need to have all of the answers, know all of the solutions, or know all of the reasons why this or that, all we need to do is remember.

​All we need to do is remember who we are, where we came from, what our intentions are, what our values and priorities are. When we remember this, the decisions become clearer, the path illuminated. 

I know, I know, easier said than done right? On the surface it may seem like this makes the path murky, obscure, even challenging because our ego, and our conditioning, leads us in the other direction of fear. We're conditioned to believe in the survival of the fittest, in scarcity, we make excuses...oh the myriad of excuses.

I propose that all we need to do is remember over and over again and the path will become clearer and unfold with more ease. So simple, and yet it's sometimes easy to forget. We get absorbed in our own stuff and the busyness of life. To trust and have faith that all will be well if we choose this path, if we choose to remember.

All we need to do is remember to be love. Even if we don't think the same, look the same, act the same, believe the same things, all we need to remember is to be love. 

All we need to do is remember to be kind. Even if we don't think the same, look the same, act the same, believe the same things, all we need to remember is to be kind. 

All we need to do is remember that we are all one, that we are all cut from the same cloth, come from the same Source. Even if we don't think the same, look the same, act the same, believe the same things, all we need to remember is that we are all one.

If we remember to be love and kindness and that we are all one, then everything else falls from them...forgiveness, compassion, gratitude, being of service, respect, etc. Have faith and remember to be love and kindness. 

For those who believe in Christianity, remember Jesus and the example he set for us. He was clear on who he was, where he came from, his intentions, values and priorities. He lived them and demonstrated them for us. To follow the example of Jesus is to walk in wisdom. He displayed love, hope, compassion, kindness and servanthood. He did not make excuses to justify veering course from these values. 

Just the word itself, Re-Member, implies becoming a part of a group again. Re is a prefix, meaning “again” or “again and again” to indicate repetition, or with the meaning “back” or “backward” to indicate withdrawal or backward motion. And member implies being part of a group. Re-Member.

All we need to do is remember to tap into our inner knowing, to our soul, our heart, and not be afraid to follow its wisdom and guidance. I pray we walk with wisdom, that we treat each other with more kindness, more love, more courtesy, more humility and patience and forgiveness. When enough of us do this consistently enough the world will change and problems will be solved. 
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Fall...Time For a Wake Up Call

9/27/2019

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Sometimes we take things for granted don't we? It's easy to do, we get busy, we make excuses, we put it off until tomorrow over and over again. From the simplest things to bigger things, it can be easy to move from day to day expecting someone or something to always be available. 

Maybe it's our health, relationships, finances, marriage, our dreams and goals, it can be easy to take them for granted and put it off until some random date in the future. Sometimes we do this until we receive a wake up call, where we can no longer ignore or take it for granted. In what area of your life do you need a wake up call, a call to action? What have you been avoiding?

Here in Wisconsin the leaves are beginning to turn color and fall to the ground. The fall of the leaves can symbolize the fall of old ways. It can represent an out with the old and in with the new. As we watch leaves fluttering to the ground, we are reminded that the cycle of nature is also mirrored in our lives. Autumn is the time for shedding, letting go and releasing things that have been a burden. Letting things fall that are no longer in our highest and best good, that are no longer serving us in our lives.

Fall is the time to practice getting out of the way, of letting go and allowing Spirit to take charge of our lives. It's a time to fall out of old habits and bring in new healthier ones.

At this time of year, the day and night are equal. It is a point of balance between dark and light. As we make the shift from longer days to longer nights, let's take time to reflect upon what part of our own lives might be out of balance. What areas of our life can tend to that we were taking for granted, so we don't end up needing a wake up call. It's a great reminder to cultivate balance within your spirit, mind and body.

What is it that you need in this season? What things are no longer serving you? Are you listening and paying attention? What are those items for you? Maybe it's a story you've been telling yourself, maybe it's a habit, maybe it's someone in your life. I invite you to spend some time in reflection contemplating what's working in your life and what isn't. What might need shedding in order to make room for something that better serves you? 

I invite you to slow down a little bit, to appreciate moments out in nature before the cold sets in, and to spend time being still in reflection while you watch the seasons change. Take time to sit back and reflect on the fruits of your own labor. Where were you a year ago today? How far have come over the course of the past year or even since the spring? Now is a good time to see how far you’ve come and to set goals to carry you through the winter months. The intentions you set this fall will stay with you throughout the winter and carry you into the spring.

Traditionally, the autumn equinox is also a time of harvest and for expressing gratitude for its abundance. As you reflect, take time to express gratitude for the fruits of your own labor. For your own accomplishments and growth. Give yourself a pat on the back for all of your strides forward, no matter the size, big and small. Celebrate the abundance.

As you are reflecting and setting your intentions, remind yourself that you are enough. As a matter of fact, you are amazing! Just the way you are right at this very moment in time. You are doing exactly what you are meant to do. Sure, we can all grow and improve and stretch and learn and do more, but this is not the woulda, coulda, shoulda game. You are enough right here and right now. You are perfectly imperfect!

Fall into whatever it is that your soul, your mind, and your body needs in this season. Maybe fall into a new habit, fall into a new story, fall into a new way of thinking, fall into mindfulness, fall  into peace, fall into love, fall into joy, fall into forgiveness, fall into gratitude, fall into self-care. Whatever it is that you need, listen to it and fall into it this season. Let go of what you don't need and allow Spirit to take it over. ​
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Forgiveness...How We Get Stuck and What We Can Do About It

9/24/2019

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Last week’s post explored the link between forgiveness and wellness, the choice to forgive, and facing the pain. This week let’s continue exploring forgiveness with things that keep us stuck and what we can do about it. ​

Two big things that keep us stuck are resentment and revenge. 

Resentment...Holding onto a deep-seated grudge against someone who has hurt or offended us. Words like, “I hate you," "I will never forgive you,” or “You’ll pay for that,” show resentment. We can get addicted to the high that comes from allowing our hurt to manifest in resentment. Holding onto resentment can become a habitual response to people or circumstances that do not meet with our approval, and it can create the habitual need for revenge. 

Revenge...Revenge is defined as persistent ill will, a deep need to retaliate against someone who has offended us by hurting someone/anyone as badly as we’ve been hurt. Revenge can also be a desire to teach someone a lesson they won’t forget. In its more subtle form, we might abandon the offender and/or withhold communication from her or him as punishment. Such behavior can easily spiral downward into depression and can become an obsessive compulsion. Words like, “I was hurt, so it’s okay for me to hurt anyone who gets in my way,” “What goes around comes around,” “Serves you right,” or “God will get you for this,” or “God will hurt you for me,” are all expressions of the desire for revenge.

What can we do to get ourselves unstuck?

The First Step…It may feel like hurting others is the only way to deal with our pain, but there is another way…forgiveness. Before we can forgive, we need to stop allowing ourselves to react to negative situations with resentment. Sharing our feelings is a great starting point because often the offender doesn’t have a clue that their words/actions were hurtful. At a minimum, communication can validate our experience, and it might even open the door to new understanding. This doesn’t always help, but often times it’s a catalyst to understanding and healing. 

Offering Ourself Forgiveness…Along with forgiving others, we also need to consider offering ourselves forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it. Forgiving yourself for not being smart enough, for not recognizing the signs, for making a poor decision, etc. 

In order to truly get to a place where we can be a steady, peaceful, forgiving person, we need to start with ourself. When you find that you are berating yourself for choices you made, opportunities missed, people you misjudged, behaviors you condoned…the first step is to stop and tell yourself "No more." Start exercising self-compassion and be a kind to yourself. Over and over again, start by easing up on yourself. Letting go of resentments and judgments of yourself first.

Once you start easing up on yourself, you’ll find it easier to ease up on others. Realizing that what you need, so do they. If I make mistakes and deserve to be forgiven, so too do they. If I hurt another and can be forgiven and move on, so too can they. If I have been critical and judgmental of someone and can be forgiven, so too can they. Give what you are seeking for yourself.

Forgiveness Techniques…I've worked with several forgiveness techniques over the years, including several meditation techniques.  Finding what works best for you is key. I believe it’s important to see forgiveness as a process, it usually doesn’t happen overnight. Depending on the depth of the wound, it can take several months.

Here is what I practice:

Start by being clear with yourself on this question, “Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?” Make practicing forgiveness a daily practice, a daily devotion, a daily intention to forgive yourself and others. 

Be willing to look inward and ask yourself, “What was my role in the situation?”  In some situations this is absolutely not part of the equation, but in most everyday relationship situations it is. Exercising empathy is an important piece to forgiveness. I remind myself that I'm seeing things through my own lens, from my perspective and that there are many other viewpoints, angles and possibilities. Asking myself, “What did I bring to the table and what can I learn from it?” Being curious and trying to obtain a full understanding of the situation.

Pray for that person’s happiness for 30 days every day for 5 minutes. If I pray for somebody one of 2 things will happen…either they will behave differently or I won’t care. Your greatest power to change the world is your power to change your mind about the world. And remember, everything is energy. If you are sending out healing energy versus resentment, that person will receive it and be impacted by it. Don't discount the impact this ripple, this blessing may have.

As Marianne Williamson says, ”In the beginning it's really hard, but so what? Is it easy to sit there with the anger and bitterness and toxicity and blame? It's so much easier to bless someone versus blame them, not immediately, but long-term."

Forgiveness is not about forgetting, but about letting go. It's about choosing positive emotions over negative ones. I'm working on building my forgiveness muscle. Each day I'm setting my intention to forgive myself and others and to have a willingness to forgive. Each day I'm praying for the happiness of those I desire to forgive. Each day I'm choosing positive emotions over negative emotions. Each day we get to choose.
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Forgiveness...Facing The Choice and The Pain

9/17/2019

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Have you ever struggled with forgiveness? I certainly have. Holding onto grudges, resentments, anger and bitterness, ruminating over our stories of past hurts and injustice can quickly rob us of our peace and happiness. I know it's important to overall well-being and happiness and yet sometimes it can seem so hard! The injustice, the wound, the hurt feelings ughhh! I'm a kind and decent person, it's just feels so unfair sometimes!

Of course it depends on the situation, some things are easier than others to forgive. I struggle with forgiveness if I feel I'm owed a heartfelt apology and I don't get one, or if I've done something stupid that I regret. Forgiving myself and others can be challenging.

It’s not just as easy as just deciding to forgive is it? It's not as easy as one day just deciding...today I am going to extend forgiveness. Funny thing is, I've tried to do that and the sneaky resentment and anger eventually reared it's ugly head again. Blah!!!

Unforgiveness is classified in medical books as disease. According to Dr. Steven Standiford, chief of surgery at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America, refusing to forgive makes people sick and keeps them that way. Forgiveness therapy is being used to treat cancer and other disease patients. Research indicates that of all cancer patients, 61% have forgiveness issues and more than half of them severe. 

Over the last two decades, a lot of research has been published about the positive impact of forgiveness, particularly on the forgiver and in relationships. From cancer studies, to studies on depression, health is improved with forgiveness. It’s important to address the issue of forgiveness as we consider our overall wellness and things that might be hindering it and our happiness. 

I’ve studied the work of Dr. Robert Enright and use his forgiveness research, knowledge and techniques in my own life and I love to share this information in my happiness workshops. This week and next week, I’ll be taking a deep dive into the topic of forgiveness, sharing some of his work so that we can strengthen our forgiveness muscle. Forgiveness is like a muscle, the more we use it, the more we practice it, the stronger it gets, the easier it gets and the better that we get at doing it.

Let’s start by exploring some of the basics behind the experience of being injured, and then next week we’ll explore things that keep us stuck and what we can do to move forward, forgive and heal. 

You face a choice
As you walk your path, remember that each time you perceive that someone  has mistreated you that you face a choice. The event occurs and someone has caused you pain. Dr. Enright describes it as though someone has placed a heavy stone in your path and you have two options, 1) acknowledge the obstacle and move around it, or 2) lift the stone and strap it to your back. Making the choice to strap it to your back is exhausting and painful, both physically and emotionally. 

You can’t change other people
It’s impossible to walk their path and alter how they treat you. You can’t force someone to feel sorry for what they've done or said. The only thing you're in charge of is your own behavior and your own energy. You're in control of the way you think of yourself and others. You're in control of the resentful feelings you harbor against others. You're in control of having judgmental and negative thoughts. 

Facing the pain
It can be hard to face the depth of our pain. It can feel overwhelming, like if we acknowledge it, truly acknowledge it, that we might not be able to handle it. Have you experienced this yourself, I know I have.

Then there’s the added layer of pain that we experience when we give the person "air time in our head". What’s so ironic about this is that we don’t want them near us, and yet not only are they living near us, we are letting them live inside of us. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, rate how much pain you have in your heart. The question then is, what are you going to do with that pain? Do you know what most people do with their pain? They pass it on to other people. They pass it on to people in their lives and those people then have to deal with it. We try to get rid of the pain by tossing it to others. Isn’t that what the person did who hurt you? Hurt people, hurt people. 

So, the question becomes…are you going to let others inherit your pain, or are you going to change the cycle? Forgiveness is when we begin to realize that we are stronger than the pain. When we stand up, acknowledge the pain and say “I will not let this abuse others, make others uncomfortable, and it’s not going to defeat me because I’m standing with the pain right now.” 

Dr. Enright states, "As you stand in the pain, you end up not hurting others and letting others live a less-wounded life. We can’t go back in time and change what happened, it’s part of our history. It happened, you own it and refuse to pass it on to anybody. As you do that you are giving a gift to yourself and to others, including to the one who hurt you."

Taking time to grieve
In our culture, we typically don’t allow ourselves to properly feel and grieve, in part because of our hectic lives, but also, because we are afraid. We’re conditioned to be strong and move on, to sweep it under the rug or live in denial, to numb and self-medicate. How many times have you experienced loss, and when faced with your own grief someone was quick to patch you up with a, “There, there, it’ll get better. No need to cry.” Feelings are often seen as unproductive, so we try to ignore them, or we indulge in them and get stuck in a cycle of self-pity and blaming.

According to Dr. Enright, “This conditioning keeps us heavily distracted, contained, controlled. It is one of the reasons why we keep ourselves so busy and have taxed sympathetic nervous systems and adrenal glands...we are afraid to be silent and still where we can feel and grieve. Without the trauma resolution that grieving provides, our past pain unconsciously seeps into our immediate relationships and systems. Victims of abuse may become abusers themselves, perpetuating the cycle.”

Next week, we’ll pick up with things that keep us stuck and techniques for forgiveness and healing. 
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Feed Your Soul

9/10/2019

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Are you feeding your soul? A friend of mine sent me an article from Oprah.com about nourishing your soul. The article touches on practices that I use to feed my soul and have shared in previous blog posts. I'm sharing the article in this week's post because sometimes we can all use a nice reminder, or to hear the information presented in a different way. I hope you enjoy it!
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6 Things You Need To Do To Feed Your Soul
You are what you eat - so make sure you're getting a balanced spiritual diet
By Martha Beck

Recently, I told a frazzled client that she needs to take time each day to nourish her spirit. "I’m not even sure how to do that," she said. "Can you give me a balanced spiritual diet? Like the old food pyramid?" Well, sure, I thought—except the food pyramid never worked for me. I’m gluten intolerant and have trouble absorbing fats: Once, my doctor wrote me a prescription for "less quinoa, more peanut butter." 

No one diet plan is right for everybody, and that goes for our metaphysical needs as well. But some spiritual practices are so nourishing that they’ve been recommended throughout history all over the world. I’ve outlined a menu of these "food groups" here. Add one of them at a time, the way your doctor might introduce a food to see how your body reacts. If a practice nourishes you, adjust the amount to find your own minimum daily requirement. Then add another practice. Eventually, you’ll create the perfect spiritual diet for you. 

Hold Still 
The most powerful nourishment is also the simplest: shhhh! Practicing stillness is a venerable art in many spiritual traditions, usually in the form of meditation. You may want to try formally meditating by focusing on your breathing, a mantra, or a question. If you want a more Western approach, follow the biblical instruction "Be still, and know that I am God." Eckhart Tolle believes this is actually one concept, our ultimate spiritual truth, expressed five ways: Be. Still. Know. I Am. God. Contemplating any one of them provides nutrient-rich sustenance. 

I used to hate meditation. Dropping my mind into stillness was like dropping a cat into a washing machine. Nevertheless, I could feel the practice feeding me, and between sittings I grew noticeably healthier and more peaceful. 

Talk It Out 
You may have been raised to recite prayers before eating, sleeping, entering battle, or whatever. Myself, I’m not a formal-prayer girl. My favorite invocation is silently shrieking Help help help help help! (I also like to write whiny letters; I figure if there’s really an omnipotent force reading them, I can just let it all hang out.) 

Prayer means talking to your higher power, in whatever way feeds your soul. Pray the rosary, or kneel by your bed, or just riff. Two friends of mine spend every morning chatting with God out loud, as if the Almighty were sitting happily at their coffee klatch. The only thing that matters is that you speak from your heart. 

Wise Up 
Generally when we pray, our higher power doesn’t get right back to us—but that doesn’t mean we can’t find answers. Some earthlings can listen so deeply that they actually hear the divine. They receive guidance and comfort to share with the rest of us, like spiritual receptionists passing along messages. Of course, there are plenty of frauds who only claim to hear higher wisdom—but I’ve found that when someone’s got a direct line to the universe, their words have such a profound resonance, you immediately recognize them as truth. 

I recommend consuming a wide variety of foods in this group; you’ll discover amazing similarities between the words of different masters, whether they’re from Tibet or the Middle East or Mexico. The lessons are simple: Indescribable peace is possible. Love is our highest purpose. We’re all one. Once you taste the sweetness of true wisdom, you’ll crave it every day. 

Feel the Beat 
Music is another form of divine communication, one that transcends language. According to some scientists, the rhythm and resonance of music activate areas of the brain that help us feel we belong to something larger and are connected to each other. The effects are even stronger if we sing or hum and let our bodies follow along. What music do you feel deep down in your soul? Gregorian chants? A lone flute? The soft sounds of the ’70s? Whatever form you choose, sing, dance and sway. Let the music move you, literally. It’s a joyful way to absorb spiritual nutrients. 

Come Together 
We all need solitude, but we also need times of connection, when we can talk to one another, help one another and love one another. This doesn’t require moving to an ashram or even going to church. You simply need to connect with another human being who shares your spiritual point of view. It could be a friend or a family member, or you might find someone in your book club, a 12-step meeting, or your African drumming class. The important thing is having a chance to feed someone else’s spirit and be fed in return. Miraculously, giving and receiving are equally nutritious. 

Go Natural 
If there is a Creator, then we can see that being’s self-portrait anytime, right outside our window: It’s called nature, and you can start to appreciate it right now just by looking up at the sky. Or take a drive through the countryside or a walk in the park. Contact with the natural world calms our nervous system and quiets us enough to hear our inner voice of wisdom and intuition. Trust me, it’s there. To coax it out, just breathe the fresh air, open yourself to nature and wait. 

When you give your body healthy food, you feel more vibrant and alive; the same is true for your spirit. Sample a few portions of everything on this buffet and you’ll instinctively find the diet that will help you thrive. What could be more delicious? ​
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Transitions And New Chapters

9/3/2019

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This past weekend we moved our daughter into her freshman dorm room and our son into his off campus apartment (he's starting his senior year) and our other daughter started her junior year in high school.

We said our goodbyes to our college kids (thankfully they are both not far away) and the house is more quiet now, just one left. Arriving home last night after the final move, I looked around to the remnants left behind, the strewn empty boxes and miscellaneous articles scattered about. I peeked into their now empty bedrooms, it's hard to believe the summer has past and we are at this juncture. We'll be empty nesters soon and I feel it on the horizon. How did it all go by so fast?

​No amount of planning or preparation could adequately prepare for the change, it's something that you just have to work your way through step by step as it occurs. Feeling all the feelings, acknowledging and honoring them as they arise. 

Change and transitions, the beginning of a new chapter can be hard. Transitions can feel sad and scary and joyful all at the same time. Feeling the sense of loss and the newness that is beginning. Embracing it all, letting go, surrendering and leaning into the next chapter that life has to offer. Having trust and faith in the journey.

​Here are some tips to help move through life's transitions with more ease:

Connect with others...During life's transitions it helps to reach out and bond with others who are going through something similar. Getting connected with others, sharing and feeling supported is an important step to being able to navigate through from the old chapter to the new chapter with more grace and ease. 

Fill the void...Some transitions bring with them a void and it's important to fill the void with something nourishing to your soul. This might be in the form of service, finding something you are passionate about and volunteering. It might be through finding a new hobby, new friends, exploring your passions and creative side, getting out in the community and taking in some events. Filling the void with laughter, connection and fun. Laughter is always great medicine. 

Exercise wellness...Lean on your personal tools and practices to sustain you through the transition is also key. Prayer, meditation, exercise, healthy eating, gratitude practice, etc. are all helpful to supporting us through life's transitions. 

Be present...Take things one step at a time. Don't obsess about and worry over what the future will look like, don't excessively ruminate over the past and what once was, just focus on the present, this moment, here and now. Exercise self-compassion to move through this moment. 

​Life is a beautiful journey full of many transitions. Embracing the change and flowing with it instead of resisting against it, seeing the beauty within it, will allow for a smoother transition. Sending love, light and blessings to all those moving through a life transition right now. 
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Practicing Generosity

8/26/2019

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What do you think of when you think of acts of generosity? Things that cross my mind include the generosity of sharing time, money, love, attention, presence, resources, knowledge, gifts, and possessions. 
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Dr. Richard Davidson, a neuroscientist, professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and founder and chair of the Center for Healthy Minds, shares that research demonstrates that well-being (which he partly defines as happiness) is a skill that can be learned. He details four constituents of well-being that have been extensively investigated neuroscientifically. One of these is generosity. Acts of generosity activates circuits in the brain that promote well-being.

Dr. Davidson believes that having a meditation/mindfulness practice is an act of generosity. Why is this? What is the connection between generosity and meditation/mindfulness? 

People often perceive that meditation/mindfulness is something that you do just for yourself. While it is definitely something that benefits the individual, mindfulness also benefits the community and the whole world. Research has shown that meditation/mindfulness has a spillover effect. By meditating I am able to not only having a positive effect on my own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being, but also on the overall well-being of my community. In this way, my meditation/mindfulness practice is an act of generosity to my community. 

Meditation/mindfulness helps me to be less reactive, to stay centered, to be calmer, act wiser with intention and this doesn’t just help me, but it helps everyone I come into contact with. When we work on creating inner peace through meditation, we are giving a gift out to the world...change your mind, change the world. It sends out high vibrational energy into the community and world. This is an act of generosity.

Meditation/mindfulness helps me to practice being present, living in the present moment, giving my attention and focus to this moment. Being able to give your presence to another person is one of the greatest, most generous, gifts you can give. Especially in a day and age where our attention is being pulled in many different directions by the constant pull of electronic devices. 
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​The act of giving creates a spacious world. A world where your belief is that there is enough. A person who has more than enough to share. An abundance of time, money, love and attention to share with others versus the fear of scarcity. These are also things that I work on in my meditation practice.

Meditation helps to cultivate loving kindness, compassion and detachment from negative thoughts, beliefs, feelings. 

We can be more generous with others when we are generous with ourselves first. Begin by being generous with yourself, so your cup overflows, that way you are better able to practice generosity with others.

Acts of generosity open our heart and bring joy to our mind. The feelings that arise while planning a generous act, persist during the act, and perpetuate long after the act itself, especially when we practice savoring it. Practicing generosity cultivates a positive mindset and an open, loving heart leading to more well-being and more happiness.

The practice of generosity is an intentional practice and a spiritual practice. Having a meditation/mindfulness practice cultivates generosity and is an act of generosity. It does my heart good to know that something that feels selfish is actually generous and selfless...selfishly selfless is awesome!
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Tips For Shifting If You're Negative Or Complain A Lot

8/19/2019

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At times we can all find ourselves feeling negative, complaining about life, things or people that are frustrating us. Some of us are just naturally more pessimistic, more negative and resort to complaining on a regular basis.

It can be easy to get sucked into negative thoughts and stories, complaining to ourselves or to anyone who'll listen. At these moments, it's useful to have some go to shifters, some practices that will help retrain your brain toward being more optimistic and recognizing the good things, the positive things happening in your life. Here are some tips for retraining your brain:​

Be grateful: Each day identify 3 things you are grateful for and the include as much detail as you can as to why you are grateful. I love to do this before I fall asleep each night. Every time we practice gratitude, our brain is being re-wired to notice more things to be grateful for. When we practice gratitude, our body releases chemicals into our body that cause us to feel good. 

In my opinion, gratitude is the most powerful tool to shift and to retrain the brain toward positivity. 

Savor a good experience: Take a moment to pause and bring to mind a good experience that you've had. Replay all of the details surrounding the experience...what happened, who was there, what was said, how did you respond, what were you wearing, etc. Our brain doesn't really know if an event is really happening or if we are envisioning it happening. We get a download of feel good chemicals released into our body and our brain is being trained to see more goodness. 

Catch yourself: Don’t wait for your friends or family to tell you you’re complaining, pay attention to your thoughts and words.
If you’re complaining, work to shift your energy toward finding solutions and/or lessons to be learned. It can be easy to get trapped into the cycle of complaining, especially in a group setting focused on a common "enemy" or "problem". Work to gear your thoughts and words to productive solutions versus unproductive complaining, blaming, judging, gossip, or negative stories that quickly spiral out of control.  

Shift your mood: If you feel overwhelmed or challenged in some way, remove yourself from whatever you’re doing and work to shift your mood. This can be as easy as practicing gratitude or savoring a good experience. You can also practice a other mindfulness techniques like the S.T.O.P. technique. S...Stop, T...Take 3 deep breaths, O...Observe what you are thinking, what you are feeling and what's going on around you, P...Practice gratitude. Another one of my go to techniques is to put my hand over my heart and inhale to the count of 5 and exhale to the count of 5 for a series of at least 3 more more breaths. 

Shifting a mood, a state of mind, and retraining our brain takes intentional practice. Having awareness is a key step. Being aware of your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, moods, stories, etc. and then intentionally and consciously engaging in practices to assist in moving to a different path. This takes effort and discipline, but the rewards are huge. 
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Stop Yourself Before The "But"

8/13/2019

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Do you have dreams and passions that you are ignoring? Maybe you're convincing yourself that you can't possibly do it. Does that little voice in your head give you all kinds of "buts", all kinds of reasons for why you can't possibly do what you are dreaming of doing? Things like:

-but, I'm too old.
-but, I'm too young.
-but, I don't know enough.
-but, I'm not smart enough.
-but, It's already been done.
-but, I don't know the right people.
-but, there are people who do it better than me.
-but, I'm not talented enough.
​-but, no one will listen to me.

In an interview by Marie Forleo with Amanda Lacount, a professional hip hop dancer, choreographer, model and body positive activist, Amanda suggests in striving for your dreams that you, "Never let yourself get to the 'but'...". Amanda was told at the age of 10 that she didn't have the right body type to be a dancer. She didn't listen to her critics. Instead she kept dancing and pursuing her dream until now, at the age of 18, she has scored several prestigious dance gigs. 

Most times, it doesn't even take an outside critic to dissuade us from accomplishing our dreams, usually we take care of it ourselves with the critic inside our head. Our own fears, self-doubt and negative self-talk keep us paralyzed from living out our dreams. Flipping the switch and stopping ourselves from engaging in unproductive self-talk is important. Flip the switch to an affirmation like, "I am enough", "I am courageous", "I am brave", "I am strong", "I am confident", etc. will help to curb your fears. 

Our belief system is also super important to whether or not we choose to go after our dreams, it either helps us to believe that our dream is possible, or it help us to believe that it's impossible. Our belief system is mostly derived from what we have experienced to be true based on the examples in our own life. If you've seen, heard, or read examples of people who have done something the same, or similar to what you are hoping to accomplish, then you will typically believe that it's possible for you to accomplish it as well. This is a huge hurdle in overcoming our fears and self-doubt. 

So what can we do to help ourselves believe it to be possible? One key step is to surround yourself with as many examples as possible of others who have accomplished something similar. Read books, watch videos, talk to people, interview people, find out as much as you can about how they did what they did. 

Next, write down your dream, or your goal, and then the next small step to making it happen. Don't get overwhelmed, just write down what the next small step would be in the direction of achieving the goal. There is so much power in writing it down and breaking it down into manageable steps. Small baby steps that will move you in the direction of achieving the dream. We more easily convince ourselves to take small baby steps. Once you obtain some movement, you get off square one, it'll be a little easier to keep taking the next small step and the next small step. 

Don't wait until you've achieved what you think is the perfect amount of knowledge, or skill, or experience to begin going after your dream, if you do chances are that you'll never feel good enough or "perfect "enough. Experts did not start out being experts, they started out as beginners, as apprentices and they became experts. What if we just get started and learn more as we go, become experts along the way? What if we just started where we are and go from there? At a certain point, let good enough be your rule. 

Steve Harvey said in an interview, "Surround yourself with dreamers. Surround yourself with like-minded people. Stop telling your dreams to small-minded people." Keep around you people who love and support you and your dreams. People who challenge you to be all that you can be and more. People who will encourage you even when you may fail. People who are also dreamers and who are aspiring to lead an extraordinary life. Live BIG, live interesting, live extraordinary, create magic. Why not? The world needs ordinary people leading extraordinary lives.
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