Braving the Hot Mess

The Heart Is A Portal

11/12/2019

This past week I was watching the documentary, Time of the Sixth Sun, and the narrator said, "When you see the world, see it with the eyes of your heart. The heart is a portal." The heart is a portal to our soul, our higher self, to our intuition, and ultimately to the Divine.

Mark L. Collins, author of the book, The HeartSpace Portal, writes, "When we shift our consciousness, from the brain into the heart, we enter the sacred chamber that houses the soul, what I call the Heartspace Portal. In this place where the higher self resides, we can tap into a power that is magically transformative."

So often we defer to seeing the world with the eyes of our mind, our intellect, our social conditioning, our ego. It can be a challenge to pause and have the courage to take the 18 inch leap from our head down into our heart. What might the world look like if we saw it with the eyes of our heart versus our head? How would the world shift, change and soften?

Dropping down into our heart opens up the portal to a higher state of consciousness. Inviting our higher self to guide us instead of our ego. Seeing the world through the eyes of our heart we can make decisions based on love, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, peace and joy. These are the igniting force of the heart.

I challenge myself to follow these guidelines:

Don't be quick to judge...be quick to listen, to empathize, to be compassionate, to apologize, to forgive, to love.

Don't be quick to be right...be quick to understand, to hear another perspective, to be open to a different way, a different thought, a new direction, to love.

Don't be quick to bully, to manipulate, to control, to compete...be quick to collaborate, to compromise, to respect, to partner, to love.

Judging, needing to be right, to control are indications that our ego is dominating our behavior. An acronym for ego is Edge God Out. I invite us all to take the time to pause, to connect to our higher wisdom, to the heart's portal to the Divine. Allowing ourselves to become heart gentle.

May we each open our heart wider today. May we see the world through the eyes of our heart, allowing it to be a portal to a more gentle way. May we pull down the walls and take a leap of faith from our head to our heart and live and love wholeheartedly. May we open our heart wider today to Divine Love. May we feel it, embrace it and be inspired by it today and always.

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Make Growing A Daily Priority

10/29/2019

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I vividly remember a time period in my life where all I could manage each day was to muddle through and survive. I was knee deep with diaper changing, feeding, entertaining, keeping safe, teaching, cleaning, bathing, reading, laundry and trying to manage a household of 5 plus a dog. I also remember the days before deciding to stay home with my kids, when I was juggling all of that plus managing a client base and a career. And before that I remember being a young adult and how exhausted I was working to build a career and find my way as an adult, as a friend, as a girlfriend/wife, as a daughter, sister, etc.. I have to admit I wasn't focused on growing each day, as much as I was on surviving each day.

I was indeed learning and growing, but I wasn't intentionally working at it, or focusing on growing, or determining where I wanted to focus my attention. I was focused on the tasks at hand. Yes, growth came a long with it and yes, I had goals, but as I reflect back my growth goals centered around my career and what was needed to grow and change in my career. I didn't spend much time focusing on my own personal growth. I reacted to what happened in life, and at times not in a way that I felt good about.

It was fairly easy to have years slip by without really stretching myself. Operating under the same status quo, having some of the same personal experiences happen over and over. Growing and stretching takes an openness, a willingness to put forth some extra effort. A willingness to own that you have some things that you can work on to grow and expand yourself.

Certainly, some stages in life are more demanding of your time and energy and it's hard to do more than just survive, but mostly our busyness and our priorities are dictated by us. We can always make room for something if we make it a priority. I think it's important that we make growing a priority. It doesn't have to be huge, but taking a step each day to focus on our personal growth. Even if it's just reading a short paragraph, or watching a short video clip, or reading a blog post, maybe picking up supplies for a new hobby. Whatever it is, no matter how small it may seem, focusing intent effort on how to grow a little bit each day.

I once heard a suggestion that ten cents from every dollar you earn should go to help someone else, and ten cents from every dollar you earn should go to help invest in yourself. Tithing for yourself, to help you grow and improve, what an awesome concept! Maybe to help you attend a personal growth seminar or a retreat that you've had your eye on, or to participate in a mission trip, or to take a class on painting, or to purchase tools for your new hobby, or even to take a vacation. Investing in yourself, I love it! We think about investing in our future all the time don't we? Investing to buy a house, investing for retirement, investing for college funds, is there an account in there for yourself? I love the idea of investing in our future selves.

I believe that we are students of life. We are here growing, learning lessons, experiencing, remembering. Let's work to not become personally stagnant. Let's not risk losing track of who we are and what our soul needs in the busyness of life. I invite each of us to carve out time for to grow and shift and change and expand and learn each day. Some days in big ways and some days in small ways. I love this saying and I don't know who said it, "Each day try to be better than you were yesterday and tomorrow be better than you were today."

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Deep Compassionate Listening And Loving Speech To Heal Conflict

10/22/2019

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What comes to mind when you think of deep listening or compassionate listening? I just love the phrase "deep listening", it conjures up a vision of listening that I desire to engage in more. It feels like wholehearted listening, listening without response, listening without judgment or expectation where we can truly feel seen and heard. Most of us typically practice negative listening habits (more on this later).

What comes to mind when you think of loving speech? For me it brings to mind open communication filled with compassion and love, lacking in judgment or advice giving.

In an interview with Oprah, Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk and peace activist, discussed the concepts of deep compassionate listening and loving speech. He believes that deep listening, or compassionate listening, can help relieve the suffering of another person and that loving speech in-conjunction with deep compassionate listening allows for the type of communication that will resolve conflict and shift perceptions.

Thich Nhat Hanh describes deep compassionate listening like this:

"You listen with only one purpose, help him or her to empty his heart. And if you remember that you are helping him or her to suffer less, and then even if what he says is full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable to continue to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, with compassion, you give him or her a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him or her to correct his perception, then you wait for another time. But for the time being, you just listen with compassion and help him or her to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing. The fear, the anger and the despair is born on the ground of wrong perception. We have wrong perceptions concerning ourselves and the other person, and that is the foundation for conflict, war and violence."

Thich Nhat Hanh describes loving speech like this:

"The only way we can begin to end conflict is communication between people. We should be able to say like this: 'dear friends, dear people, I know that you suffer a lot. I have not understood enough of your difficulties and suffering. It's not our intention to make you suffer more. It is opposite. So please tell us about your suffering, your difficulties. I'm eager to learn, to understand.' It has to start like that, loving speech. And if you are honest, if you are true, they will open their heart and tell us. And then we practice compassionate, deep listening. And during the process of deep listening, we can learn so much about our own perceptions and their perceptions."

Deep listening and loving speech to end conflict within our personal relationships, professional relationships and global relations.

Deep compassionate listening is to listen with your ears, eyes and heart. To pay attention to body language, to tone of voice, to the hidden emotions behind what is being said. To be fully present. Making someone feel that they are truly listened to, seen and heard.

Most of us typically practice what's considered to be negative listening habits. Here are six negative listening habits (taken from Priceless Professional Development). Do you see yourself in any of them?

1. The Faker: All the outward signs are there: nodding, making eye contact giving the occasional uh-huh. However, the faker isn’t concentrating on the speaker. His mind is elsewhere. He or she is pretending to listen.

2. The Interrupter: The interrupter doesn’t allow the speaker to finish and doesn’t ask clarifying questions or seek more information from the speaker. He’s too anxious to speak his words than to listen.

3. The Thief: The thief uses the speaker’s words only as a way to get to his message across. When the speaker says something, the thief steals the focus and then changes to his own point of view, opinion, story or facts. Favorite thief lines are, “Oh that’s nothing, here’s what happened to me...”, “ I remember when I was…”

4. The Advice Giver: Giving advice is sometimes helpful; however, at other times, this behavior interferes with good listening, because it does not allow the speaker to fully articulate his feelings or thoughts; it doesn’t help the speaker solve his own problems; it prohibits venting; it could also belittle the speaker by minimizing a concern with a quick solution. Well-placed advice is an important function in selling and leading. However, advice given too quickly, and at the wrong time, is a turnoff to the speaker.

5. The Rebuttal-Maker: This listener only listens long enough to form a rebuttal. His point is to use the speaker’s words against him. At his worst, he is argumentative and wants to prove you wrong. At the least, this person always wants to make the speaker see his point of view.

6. The Intellectual or Logical Listener: This person is always trying to interpret what the speaker is saying and why. He’s judging the speaker’s words and trying to fit them into his logic box. He rarely asks about the underlying feeling or emotion attached to a message.

When practicing deep compassionate listening we are practicing positive listening skills, not these type of negative listening habits. Deep compassionate listening says I'm here for you, I'm in it with you, I'm not here to fix you or to judge you, I'm here to feel with you and to let you know that you are not alone.

What might our relationships, and the world overall, look like if we each practiced deep compassionate listening and loving speech?

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Unhealthy Mental Habits

10/15/2019

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In previous posts, I've shared information on how to build positive, healthy mental habits into your life. Habits that have proven to promote resiliency, happiness, peace and joy. Habits like having a gratitude practice, mindfulness and meditation, practicing forgiveness and compassion.

This week I want to flip the table and focus on letting go of some unhealthy mental habits. By letting go of unhealthy mental habits we are better able to be resilient, to bounce back from adversity. This ability to be resilient, not getting stuck in the muck, is one of the keys to sustaining a happy and healthy life.

Amy Morin, a clinical social worker, psychotherapist and author of the bestselling book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, believes that everyone has the ability to build mental strength, but most people don't know how. Amy says, "We spend a lot of time talking about physical strength and physical health, but much less time on mental strength and mental health. We can choose to perform exercises that will help us learn to regulate our thoughts, manage our emotions, and behave productively despite our circumstances - the 3 basic factors of mental strength. No matter what your goals are, building mental strength is the key to reaching your greatest potential."

Amy covers the following 3 areas of destructive beliefs that rob us of our mental strength.

Unhealthy beliefs about ourselves
This includes feeling sorry for ourself, having a pity party. and replaying the story of negativity, the story of what's gone wrong over and over. Nursing it, cursing it and rehearsing it.

Getting stuck in the place of "why me?" Why is this happening to me? Why is that happening to me? What's wrong with me that I have these things happening to me? Why does this happen to me when wonderful things happen to other people? Playing the comparison game. Comparing ourselves to others and harboring resentment for our circumstance in life. This kind of thinking keeps you stuck, keeps you focused on the problem and keeps you from focusing on the solution.

This category also includes ignoring uncomfortable feelings and emotions. Sweeping them under the rug, avoiding and denying yourself from dealing with them, instead of feeling them and moving through them.

Unhealthy beliefs about others
It can be easy to get stuck in the belief that other people have the ability to control us. When we think that other people control us, we give away our power. There are very few things in life that we absolutely have to do. For instance, you don't have to work late tonight, that gives away your power. You have a choice. There may be a consequence for your choice, but you do have a choice.

Instead of saying, "I have to work late tonight", say " I choose to work late tonight" and then list the reasons why. I choose to work late tonight because it will make tomorrow an easier day. Or, I choose to work late tonight to demonstrate what a dedicated employee I am, to show that I will do what it takes to get the job done, etc. This subtle shift is impactful to our brains. It's telling our psyche that we are in charge and we are choosing to find the meaning behind what we decide in life. Otherwise, you should be saying no and not doing it.

Another example is saying, "My boss drives me crazy!" Maybe your boss is not the nicest person, but it's up to you how you react. You are in control. Instead, consider thoughts like...my boss is teaching me patience, my boss is teaching me diligence, my boss is teaching me compassion, or whatever it is that allows you to find meaning in the experience. Finding meaning in the experience shifts our thinking to something purposeful versus useless and annoying.

Unhealthy beliefs about the world
Unhealthy beliefs about the world include thoughts that the world owes us something. Thinking if we put in enough hard work that we deserve success. Amy says, "Feeling that success is going to fall into your lap like some cosmic reward is going to lead to disappointment." We want the world to be fair and the world is not fair. The world's not always going to feel fair. The world's not always going to feel just.

Understanding and coming to terms with the idea that the world is always going to feel fair and just helps to release this unhealthy belief.

Changing our mental habits requires diligence. It means paying attention to our thoughts, words and beliefs. Catching ourself, stopping and intentionally choosing a different thought pattern, a different speech pattern and ultimately a different set of beliefs. It doesn't happen overnight, it's a conscious decision, a way of life.

Small changes, small steps create impactful ripples in the direction of mental strength and resilience. What is one small step that you can take today to create a healthy habit and/or to let go of an unhealthy habit? It doesn't have to be grandiose, just one small step in the right direction.

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All We Need To Do Is Remember

10/8/2019

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All we need to do is remember, we don't need to have all of the answers, know all of the solutions, or know all of the reasons why this or that, all we need to do is remember.

All we need to do is remember who we are, where we came from, what our intentions are, what our values and priorities are. When we remember this, the decisions become clearer, the path illuminated.

I know, I know, easier said than done right? On the surface it may seem like this makes the path murky, obscure, even challenging because our ego, and our conditioning, leads us in the other direction of fear. We're conditioned to believe in the survival of the fittest, in scarcity, we make excuses...oh the myriad of excuses.

I propose that all we need to do is remember over and over again and the path will become clearer and unfold with more ease. So simple, and yet it's sometimes easy to forget. We get absorbed in our own stuff and the busyness of life. To trust and have faith that all will be well if we choose this path, if we choose to remember.

All we need to do is remember to be love. Even if we don't think the same, look the same, act the same, believe the same things, all we need to remember is to be love.

All we need to do is remember to be kind. Even if we don't think the same, look the same, act the same, believe the same things, all we need to remember is to be kind.

All we need to do is remember that we are all one, that we are all cut from the same cloth, come from the same Source. Even if we don't think the same, look the same, act the same, believe the same things, all we need to remember is that we are all one.

If we remember to be love and kindness and that we are all one, then everything else falls from them...forgiveness, compassion, gratitude, being of service, respect, etc. Have faith and remember to be love and kindness.

For those who believe in Christianity, remember Jesus and the example he set for us. He was clear on who he was, where he came from, his intentions, values and priorities. He lived them and demonstrated them for us. To follow the example of Jesus is to walk in wisdom. He displayed love, hope, compassion, kindness and servanthood. He did not make excuses to justify veering course from these values.

Just the word itself, Re-Member, implies becoming a part of a group again. Re is a prefix, meaning “again” or “again and again” to indicate repetition, or with the meaning “back” or “backward” to indicate withdrawal or backward motion. And member implies being part of a group. Re-Member.

All we need to do is remember to tap into our inner knowing, to our soul, our heart, and not be afraid to follow its wisdom and guidance. I pray we walk with wisdom, that we treat each other with more kindness, more love, more courtesy, more humility and patience and forgiveness. When enough of us do this consistently enough the world will change and problems will be solved.

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Fall...Time For a Wake Up Call

9/27/2019

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Sometimes we take things for granted don't we? It's easy to do, we get busy, we make excuses, we put it off until tomorrow over and over again. From the simplest things to bigger things, it can be easy to move from day to day expecting someone or something to always be available.

Maybe it's our health, relationships, finances, marriage, our dreams and goals, it can be easy to take them for granted and put it off until some random date in the future. Sometimes we do this until we receive a wake up call, where we can no longer ignore or take it for granted. In what area of your life do you need a wake up call, a call to action? What have you been avoiding?

Here in Wisconsin the leaves are beginning to turn color and fall to the ground. The fall of the leaves can symbolize the fall of old ways. It can represent an out with the old and in with the new. As we watch leaves fluttering to the ground, we are reminded that the cycle of nature is also mirrored in our lives. Autumn is the time for shedding, letting go and releasing things that have been a burden. Letting things fall that are no longer in our highest and best good, that are no longer serving us in our lives.

Fall is the time to practice getting out of the way, of letting go and allowing Spirit to take charge of our lives. It's a time to fall out of old habits and bring in new healthier ones.

At this time of year, the day and night are equal. It is a point of balance between dark and light. As we make the shift from longer days to longer nights, let's take time to reflect upon what part of our own lives might be out of balance. What areas of our life can tend to that we were taking for granted, so we don't end up needing a wake up call. It's a great reminder to cultivate balance within your spirit, mind and body.

What is it that you need in this season? What things are no longer serving you? Are you listening and paying attention? What are those items for you? Maybe it's a story you've been telling yourself, maybe it's a habit, maybe it's someone in your life. I invite you to spend some time in reflection contemplating what's working in your life and what isn't. What might need shedding in order to make room for something that better serves you?

I invite you to slow down a little bit, to appreciate moments out in nature before the cold sets in, and to spend time being still in reflection while you watch the seasons change. Take time to sit back and reflect on the fruits of your own labor. Where were you a year ago today? How far have come over the course of the past year or even since the spring? Now is a good time to see how far you’ve come and to set goals to carry you through the winter months. The intentions you set this fall will stay with you throughout the winter and carry you into the spring.

Traditionally, the autumn equinox is also a time of harvest and for expressing gratitude for its abundance. As you reflect, take time to express gratitude for the fruits of your own labor. For your own accomplishments and growth. Give yourself a pat on the back for all of your strides forward, no matter the size, big and small. Celebrate the abundance.

As you are reflecting and setting your intentions, remind yourself that you are enough. As a matter of fact, you are amazing! Just the way you are right at this very moment in time. You are doing exactly what you are meant to do. Sure, we can all grow and improve and stretch and learn and do more, but this is not the woulda, coulda, shoulda game. You are enough right here and right now. You are perfectly imperfect!

Fall into whatever it is that your soul, your mind, and your body needs in this season. Maybe fall into a new habit, fall into a new story, fall into a new way of thinking, fall into mindfulness, fall into peace, fall into love, fall into joy, fall into forgiveness, fall into gratitude, fall into self-care. Whatever it is that you need, listen to it and fall into it this season. Let go of what you don't need and allow Spirit to take it over.

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Forgiveness...How We Get Stuck and What We Can Do About It

9/24/2019

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Last week’s post explored the link between forgiveness and wellness, the choice to forgive, and facing the pain. This week let’s continue exploring forgiveness with things that keep us stuck and what we can do about it.

Two big things that keep us stuck are resentment and revenge.

Resentment...Holding onto a deep-seated grudge against someone who has hurt or offended us. Words like, “I hate you," "I will never forgive you,” or “You’ll pay for that,” show resentment. We can get addicted to the high that comes from allowing our hurt to manifest in resentment. Holding onto resentment can become a habitual response to people or circumstances that do not meet with our approval, and it can create the habitual need for revenge.

Revenge...Revenge is defined as persistent ill will, a deep need to retaliate against someone who has offended us by hurting someone/anyone as badly as we’ve been hurt. Revenge can also be a desire to teach someone a lesson they won’t forget. In its more subtle form, we might abandon the offender and/or withhold communication from her or him as punishment. Such behavior can easily spiral downward into depression and can become an obsessive compulsion. Words like, “I was hurt, so it’s okay for me to hurt anyone who gets in my way,” “What goes around comes around,” “Serves you right,” or “God will get you for this,” or “God will hurt you for me,” are all expressions of the desire for revenge.

What can we do to get ourselves unstuck?

The First Step…It may feel like hurting others is the only way to deal with our pain, but there is another way…forgiveness. Before we can forgive, we need to stop allowing ourselves to react to negative situations with resentment. Sharing our feelings is a great starting point because often the offender doesn’t have a clue that their words/actions were hurtful. At a minimum, communication can validate our experience, and it might even open the door to new understanding. This doesn’t always help, but often times it’s a catalyst to understanding and healing.

Offering Ourself Forgiveness…Along with forgiving others, we also need to consider offering ourselves forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it. Forgiving yourself for not being smart enough, for not recognizing the signs, for making a poor decision, etc.

In order to truly get to a place where we can be a steady, peaceful, forgiving person, we need to start with ourself. When you find that you are berating yourself for choices you made, opportunities missed, people you misjudged, behaviors you condoned…the first step is to stop and tell yourself "No more." Start exercising self-compassion and be a kind to yourself. Over and over again, start by easing up on yourself. Letting go of resentments and judgments of yourself first.

Once you start easing up on yourself, you’ll find it easier to ease up on others. Realizing that what you need, so do they. If I make mistakes and deserve to be forgiven, so too do they. If I hurt another and can be forgiven and move on, so too can they. If I have been critical and judgmental of someone and can be forgiven, so too can they. Give what you are seeking for yourself.

Forgiveness Techniques…I've worked with several forgiveness techniques over the years, including several meditation techniques. Finding what works best for you is key. I believe it’s important to see forgiveness as a process, it usually doesn’t happen overnight. Depending on the depth of the wound, it can take several months.

Here is what I practice:

Start by being clear with yourself on this question, “Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?” Make practicing forgiveness a daily practice, a daily devotion, a daily intention to forgive yourself and others.

Be willing to look inward and ask yourself, “What was my role in the situation?” In some situations this is absolutely not part of the equation, but in most everyday relationship situations it is. Exercising empathy is an important piece to forgiveness. I remind myself that I'm seeing things through my own lens, from my perspective and that there are many other viewpoints, angles and possibilities. Asking myself, “What did I bring to the table and what can I learn from it?” Being curious and trying to obtain a full understanding of the situation.

Pray for that person’s happiness for 30 days every day for 5 minutes. If I pray for somebody one of 2 things will happen…either they will behave differently or I won’t care. Your greatest power to change the world is your power to change your mind about the world. And remember, everything is energy. If you are sending out healing energy versus resentment, that person will receive it and be impacted by it. Don't discount the impact this ripple, this blessing may have.

As Marianne Williamson says, ”In the beginning it's really hard, but so what? Is it easy to sit there with the anger and bitterness and toxicity and blame? It's so much easier to bless someone versus blame them, not immediately, but long-term."

Forgiveness is not about forgetting, but about letting go. It's about choosing positive emotions over negative ones. I'm working on building my forgiveness muscle. Each day I'm setting my intention to forgive myself and others and to have a willingness to forgive. Each day I'm praying for the happiness of those I desire to forgive. Each day I'm choosing positive emotions over negative emotions. Each day we get to choose.

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Forgiveness...Facing The Choice and The Pain

9/17/2019

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Have you ever struggled with forgiveness? I certainly have. Holding onto grudges, resentments, anger and bitterness, ruminating over our stories of past hurts and injustice can quickly rob us of our peace and happiness. I know it's important to overall well-being and happiness and yet sometimes it can seem so hard! The injustice, the wound, the hurt feelings ughhh! I'm a kind and decent person, it's just feels so unfair sometimes!

Of course it depends on the situation, some things are easier than others to forgive. I struggle with forgiveness if I feel I'm owed a heartfelt apology and I don't get one, or if I've done something stupid that I regret. Forgiving myself and others can be challenging.

It’s not just as easy as just deciding to forgive is it? It's not as easy as one day just deciding...today I am going to extend forgiveness. Funny thing is, I've tried to do that and the sneaky resentment and anger eventually reared it's ugly head again. Blah!!!

Unforgiveness is classified in medical books as disease. According to Dr. Steven Standiford, chief of surgery at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America, refusing to forgive makes people sick and keeps them that way. Forgiveness therapy is being used to treat cancer and other disease patients. Research indicates that of all cancer patients, 61% have forgiveness issues and more than half of them severe.

Over the last two decades, a lot of research has been published about the positive impact of forgiveness, particularly on the forgiver and in relationships. From cancer studies, to studies on depression, health is improved with forgiveness. It’s important to address the issue of forgiveness as we consider our overall wellness and things that might be hindering it and our happiness.

I’ve studied the work of Dr. Robert Enright and use his forgiveness research, knowledge and techniques in my own life and I love to share this information in my happiness workshops. This week and next week, I’ll be taking a deep dive into the topic of forgiveness, sharing some of his work so that we can strengthen our forgiveness muscle. Forgiveness is like a muscle, the more we use it, the more we practice it, the stronger it gets, the easier it gets and the better that we get at doing it.

Let’s start by exploring some of the basics behind the experience of being injured, and then next week we’ll explore things that keep us stuck and what we can do to move forward, forgive and heal.

You face a choice
As you walk your path, remember that each time you perceive that someone has mistreated you that you face a choice. The event occurs and someone has caused you pain. Dr. Enright describes it as though someone has placed a heavy stone in your path and you have two options, 1) acknowledge the obstacle and move around it, or 2) lift the stone and strap it to your back. Making the choice to strap it to your back is exhausting and painful, both physically and emotionally.

You can’t change other people
It’s impossible to walk their path and alter how they treat you. You can’t force someone to feel sorry for what they've done or said. The only thing you're in charge of is your own behavior and your own energy. You're in control of the way you think of yourself and others. You're in control of the resentful feelings you harbor against others. You're in control of having judgmental and negative thoughts.

Facing the pain
It can be hard to face the depth of our pain. It can feel overwhelming, like if we acknowledge it, truly acknowledge it, that we might not be able to handle it. Have you experienced this yourself, I know I have.

Then there’s the added layer of pain that we experience when we give the person "air time in our head". What’s so ironic about this is that we don’t want them near us, and yet not only are they living near us, we are letting them live inside of us.

On a scale of 1 to 10, rate how much pain you have in your heart. The question then is, what are you going to do with that pain? Do you know what most people do with their pain? They pass it on to other people. They pass it on to people in their lives and those people then have to deal with it. We try to get rid of the pain by tossing it to others. Isn’t that what the person did who hurt you? Hurt people, hurt people.

So, the question becomes…are you going to let others inherit your pain, or are you going to change the cycle? Forgiveness is when we begin to realize that we are stronger than the pain. When we stand up, acknowledge the pain and say “I will not let this abuse others, make others uncomfortable, and it’s not going to defeat me because I’m standing with the pain right now.”

Dr. Enright states, "As you stand in the pain, you end up not hurting others and letting others live a less-wounded life. We can’t go back in time and change what happened, it’s part of our history. It happened, you own it and refuse to pass it on to anybody. As you do that you are giving a gift to yourself and to others, including to the one who hurt you."

Taking time to grieve
In our culture, we typically don’t allow ourselves to properly feel and grieve, in part because of our hectic lives, but also, because we are afraid. We’re conditioned to be strong and move on, to sweep it under the rug or live in denial, to numb and self-medicate. How many times have you experienced loss, and when faced with your own grief someone was quick to patch you up with a, “There, there, it’ll get better. No need to cry.” Feelings are often seen as unproductive, so we try to ignore them, or we indulge in them and get stuck in a cycle of self-pity and blaming.

According to Dr. Enright, “This conditioning keeps us heavily distracted, contained, controlled. It is one of the reasons why we keep ourselves so busy and have taxed sympathetic nervous systems and adrenal glands...we are afraid to be silent and still where we can feel and grieve. Without the trauma resolution that grieving provides, our past pain unconsciously seeps into our immediate relationships and systems. Victims of abuse may become abusers themselves, perpetuating the cycle.”

Next week, we’ll pick up with things that keep us stuck and techniques for forgiveness and healing.

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Feed Your Soul

9/10/2019

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Are you feeding your soul? A friend of mine sent me an article from Oprah.com about nourishing your soul. The article touches on practices that I use to feed my soul and have shared in previous blog posts. I'm sharing the article in this week's post because sometimes we can all use a nice reminder, or to hear the information presented in a different way. I hope you enjoy it!

6 Things You Need To Do To Feed Your Soul
You are what you eat - so make sure you're getting a balanced spiritual diet
By Martha Beck

Recently, I told a frazzled client that she needs to take time each day to nourish her spirit. "I’m not even sure how to do that," she said. "Can you give me a balanced spiritual diet? Like the old food pyramid?" Well, sure, I thought—except the food pyramid never worked for me. I’m gluten intolerant and have trouble absorbing fats: Once, my doctor wrote me a prescription for "less quinoa, more peanut butter."

No one diet plan is right for everybody, and that goes for our metaphysical needs as well. But some spiritual practices are so nourishing that they’ve been recommended throughout history all over the world. I’ve outlined a menu of these "food groups" here. Add one of them at a time, the way your doctor might introduce a food to see how your body reacts. If a practice nourishes you, adjust the amount to find your own minimum daily requirement. Then add another practice. Eventually, you’ll create the perfect spiritual diet for you.

Hold Still
The most powerful nourishment is also the simplest: shhhh! Practicing stillness is a venerable art in many spiritual traditions, usually in the form of meditation. You may want to try formally meditating by focusing on your breathing, a mantra, or a question. If you want a more Western approach, follow the biblical instruction "Be still, and know that I am God." Eckhart Tolle believes this is actually one concept, our ultimate spiritual truth, expressed five ways: Be. Still. Know. I Am. God. Contemplating any one of them provides nutrient-rich sustenance.

I used to hate meditation. Dropping my mind into stillness was like dropping a cat into a washing machine. Nevertheless, I could feel the practice feeding me, and between sittings I grew noticeably healthier and more peaceful.

Talk It Out
You may have been raised to recite prayers before eating, sleeping, entering battle, or whatever. Myself, I’m not a formal-prayer girl. My favorite invocation is silently shrieking Help help help help help! (I also like to write whiny letters; I figure if there’s really an omnipotent force reading them, I can just let it all hang out.)

Prayer means talking to your higher power, in whatever way feeds your soul. Pray the rosary, or kneel by your bed, or just riff. Two friends of mine spend every morning chatting with God out loud, as if the Almighty were sitting happily at their coffee klatch. The only thing that matters is that you speak from your heart.

Wise Up
Generally when we pray, our higher power doesn’t get right back to us—but that doesn’t mean we can’t find answers. Some earthlings can listen so deeply that they actually hear the divine. They receive guidance and comfort to share with the rest of us, like spiritual receptionists passing along messages. Of course, there are plenty of frauds who only claim to hear higher wisdom—but I’ve found that when someone’s got a direct line to the universe, their words have such a profound resonance, you immediately recognize them as truth.

I recommend consuming a wide variety of foods in this group; you’ll discover amazing similarities between the words of different masters, whether they’re from Tibet or the Middle East or Mexico. The lessons are simple: Indescribable peace is possible. Love is our highest purpose. We’re all one. Once you taste the sweetness of true wisdom, you’ll crave it every day.

Feel the Beat
Music is another form of divine communication, one that transcends language. According to some scientists, the rhythm and resonance of music activate areas of the brain that help us feel we belong to something larger and are connected to each other. The effects are even stronger if we sing or hum and let our bodies follow along. What music do you feel deep down in your soul? Gregorian chants? A lone flute? The soft sounds of the ’70s? Whatever form you choose, sing, dance and sway. Let the music move you, literally. It’s a joyful way to absorb spiritual nutrients.

Come Together
We all need solitude, but we also need times of connection, when we can talk to one another, help one another and love one another. This doesn’t require moving to an ashram or even going to church. You simply need to connect with another human being who shares your spiritual point of view. It could be a friend or a family member, or you might find someone in your book club, a 12-step meeting, or your African drumming class. The important thing is having a chance to feed someone else’s spirit and be fed in return. Miraculously, giving and receiving are equally nutritious.

Go Natural
If there is a Creator, then we can see that being’s self-portrait anytime, right outside our window: It’s called nature, and you can start to appreciate it right now just by looking up at the sky. Or take a drive through the countryside or a walk in the park. Contact with the natural world calms our nervous system and quiets us enough to hear our inner voice of wisdom and intuition. Trust me, it’s there. To coax it out, just breathe the fresh air, open yourself to nature and wait.

When you give your body healthy food, you feel more vibrant and alive; the same is true for your spirit. Sample a few portions of everything on this buffet and you’ll instinctively find the diet that will help you thrive. What could be more delicious?

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Transitions And New Chapters

9/3/2019

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This past weekend we moved our daughter into her freshman dorm room and our son into his off campus apartment (he's starting his senior year) and our other daughter started her junior year in high school.

We said our goodbyes to our college kids (thankfully they are both not far away) and the house is more quiet now, just one left. Arriving home last night after the final move, I looked around to the remnants left behind, the strewn empty boxes and miscellaneous articles scattered about. I peeked into their now empty bedrooms, it's hard to believe the summer has past and we are at this juncture. We'll be empty nesters soon and I feel it on the horizon. How did it all go by so fast?

No amount of planning or preparation could adequately prepare for the change, it's something that you just have to work your way through step by step as it occurs. Feeling all the feelings, acknowledging and honoring them as they arise.

Change and transitions, the beginning of a new chapter can be hard. Transitions can feel sad and scary and joyful all at the same time. Feeling the sense of loss and the newness that is beginning. Embracing it all, letting go, surrendering and leaning into the next chapter that life has to offer. Having trust and faith in the journey.

Here are some tips to help move through life's transitions with more ease:

Connect with others...During life's transitions it helps to reach out and bond with others who are going through something similar. Getting connected with others, sharing and feeling supported is an important step to being able to navigate through from the old chapter to the new chapter with more grace and ease.

Fill the void...Some transitions bring with them a void and it's important to fill the void with something nourishing to your soul. This might be in the form of service, finding something you are passionate about and volunteering. It might be through finding a new hobby, new friends, exploring your passions and creative side, getting out in the community and taking in some events. Filling the void with laughter, connection and fun. Laughter is always great medicine.

Exercise wellness...Lean on your personal tools and practices to sustain you through the transition is also key. Prayer, meditation, exercise, healthy eating, gratitude practice, etc. are all helpful to supporting us through life's transitions.

Be present...Take things one step at a time. Don't obsess about and worry over what the future will look like, don't excessively ruminate over the past and what once was, just focus on the present, this moment, here and now. Exercise self-compassion to move through this moment.

Life is a beautiful journey full of many transitions. Embracing the change and flowing with it instead of resisting against it, seeing the beauty within it, will allow for a smoother transition. Sending love, light and blessings to all those moving through a life transition right now.

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The Heart Is A Portal

Make Growing A Daily Priority

Deep Compassionate Listening And Loving Speech To Heal Conflict

Unhealthy Mental Habits

All We Need To Do Is Remember

Fall...Time For a Wake Up Call

Forgiveness...How We Get Stuck and What We Can Do About It

Forgiveness...Facing The Choice and The Pain

Feed Your Soul

Transitions And New Chapters

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