Braving the Hot Mess

Season Of Change

9/21/2020

Today marks the change in season from summer to fall. Autumn draws our attention to the crisp fall air, the beautiful fall colors, to pumpkins and apples. It's an invitation to let these changes stir us to pay attention to our spiritual season as well.

This is a season for doing deep inner work. A time to understand that love is more than a feeling, love is what you do. What you do for yourself and to the collective whole. We are all being called to go inward. What work is there for you to do?

The fall or autumn equinox is a time of balance between the day and night before the night takes over. This duality between light and dark exists within our human spirituality as well. Just like with nature as it prepares for the winter months, all things must die before they can be born again in the spring.

Spiritual growth requires facing our own inner darkness and overcoming it. Spiritually, the autumn equinox symbolizes inner preparation and work. It's about connecting and harmonizing your soul and spirit in sacred ceremony with nature.

The fall equinox is a time of shedding, a time of letting go, a time of release. Following the cue of nature...just as the leaves are falling from the trees, so too shall we release, let go, and shed things in our lives that no longer serve us. Letting things fall away that are no longer in our highest and best good, that are no longer serving us in our lives.

What are those items for you? What things are no longer serving you? Maybe it's a story you have been telling yourself, maybe it's a habit, maybe it's someone in your life. I invite you to spend some time in reflection contemplating what is working in your life and what isn't. What might need shedding in order to make room for something that better serves you?

I invite you to slow down a little bit, to appreciate moments out in nature before the cold sets in, and to spend time being still in reflection while you watch the season change. Take time to sit back and reflect on the fruits of your own labor. Where were you a year ago today? How far have come over the course of the past year or even since the spring? Now is a good time to see how far you’ve come and to set goals to carry you through the winter months. The intentions you set this fall will stay with you throughout the winter and carry you into the spring.

Traditionally, the autumn equinox is also a time of harvest and for expressing gratitude for its abundance. As you reflect, take time to express gratitude for the fruits of your own labor. For your own accomplishments and growth. Give yourself a pat on the back for all of your strides forward, no matter the size, big and small. Celebrate the abundance.

As you are reflecting and setting your intentions, remind yourself that you are enough. As a matter of fact, you are amazing! Just the way you are right at this very moment in time. You are doing exactly what you are meant to do. Sure, we can all grow and improve and stretch and learn and do more, but this is not the woulda, coulda, shoulda game. You are enough right here and right now. You are perfectly imperfect!

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Before You Speak...

9/15/2020

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We've all heard the phrase, "Think before you speak" right? I've heard it and I've worked on practicing it, but boy sometimes it's easy to quickly respond and say something, or to remain in old patterns. Sometimes I speak and then wish I hadn't. I wish I would have made a better choice, I wish I could pull the words back into my mouth. Ever had a time (or two) like that?

Our words have power, they are impactful to ourselves and to others. Some words of wisdom, some rules to live by, that I have found helpful are from the poet Rumi, “Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates. At the first gate, ask yourself, ‘Is it true?’ At the second ask, ‘Is it necessary?’ At the third gate ask, ‘Is it kind?”

You take one gate at a time and move through the process to determine what, if, when and how this communication should take place.

Gate #1: Is it true?
Is what you are about to say true? Is it factual? This not only addresses whether the communication is hearsay, but also whether it's based on perception. Use this gate to determine if this is perception or fact. If it's truth, you can move on to Gate #2.

Gate #2: Is it necessary?
There is an old yogic wisdom that goes something like, “If your words aren’t benefiting the universe don’t say them.” The idea is don’t allow your ego to do the speaking.

Another way to look at this one is to ask yourself, "Does it add value?" and/or "Does it improve the silence?"

This also brings up the concept of being right. Sometimes we feel a strong need to be right at all costs. You may want to ask yourself, "Do you want peace or do you want to be right?"

If it's true and it's necessary, you can move on to Gate #3.

Gate #3: Is it kind?
Is what you are about to say kind and compassionate? Is the timing of it being said kind and compassionate? Are the words and the phrasing that you are choosing kind and loving or frustrated and harsh?

You are the gatekeeper of your words. Sometimes we need to take a moment to stop and to think before we speak. It helps me to stop and take a deep belly breath in and then push it all out a couple of times. This helps me to interrupt my normal pattern, my normal response, my normal mode of operation and consider a different approach...which may include silence. I don't always get it right, I'm definitely a work in progress :)

Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? I invite you to answer these 3 questions before you speak.

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Centering Morning Prayer

9/8/2020

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I've shared in previous posts about my morning prayer ritual and how it has served as a powerful and intentional way for me to begin my day. Part of this practice includes a centering morning prayer that I really love and want to also share with you. It's a morning prayer that I learned from author Shauna Niequist.

Here is Shauna's centering morning prayer. Start by envisioning a symbol that represents God. Picture a word or an image of God. It can be anything. It can be the word love. It can be a heart. Whatever for you is a symbol that represents or reminds you of God. Focus the full attention of your spirit, mind, heart and body on this symbol for several minutes. Shauna recommends at least 3 minutes.

As you are focusing on this symbol, recognize that there is nothing you need to do to get more of God's love because you can't get more love than you already have. There is also nothing that you can do to relinquish this love because it's always there no matter what. You are already worthy.

Have a sense of freedom to go off and journey through and experience your day with the knowingness that you always carry this love with you. Don't be afraid to take risks, to fail, to experience, to rest and relax because your worth is not on the line every day. You can't do anything that will take away this love.

Isn't that a relief? You don't have to be perfect, in fact you don't have to do anything to receive God's love. You can experiment and possibly even make mistakes and still be loved.

I wanted to share this prayer with you because it not only reminds us that we are unconditionally loved, but it helps to take that intellectual concept and allow it to settle into our bones, into our heart, our soul and our spirit. It reminds us that we are deeply loved and created on purpose. That we are all perfectly and beautifully imperfect. Every single one of us.

As Shauna states, "It's a reminder that there is nothing that you can do in the course of a day that will ruin, or squander, or break, or fracture his love for you. There's no mistake too great. And, there's nothing that you can do to get more of his love...to earn more, to prove more, to get more. It's already all there."

I also wanted to share it because with this prayer comes a sense of freedom. Freedom to not have to prove your worthiness. Freedom to not be perfect. Freedom to experience life and make mistakes. Freedom to afford yourself some slack to explore. Freedom to offer yourself compassion and forgiveness.

I invite you to give it a try. Start your day off with this centering morning prayer. And while you're at it, consider adding the rest of my morning prayer ritual to it as well :) Here it is:

Good morning Soul. Good morning God. Who am I? Where would you have me go? What would you have me do? What would you have me say and to whom?

Pausing after each question to listen for an answer and to intentionally answer the question...who am I? Each and every day affirming who I am. I am love, I am peace, I am a child of God, etc.

My morning prayer continues with expressions of gratitude and of a willingness to serve, and includes other personal items that I may have on my mind that day. I've mentioned in previous blog posts how very important I believe gratitude to be. I start and end my day with gratitude and spend time several moments throughout my day offering up expressions of gratitude.

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What Role Will You Play?

9/1/2020

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I like the analogy that is sometimes used about life being a stage upon which we are all acting out our lives. I believe that God created the theatre and set the stage for us here on earth. We're here playing out our role within the scene. All of our individual roles, which include our individual choices, intentions, thoughts and feelings, actions, behaviors and beliefs, weave together and culminate into and form the collective.

I believe that the chaos that is currently playing out on the stage of life is indicative of how we have lost our way. We have gone off script and forgotten the role we are playing and our part. So, the question becomes...What role and part are you playing? Are you on script or are you lost on stage?

Here's the thing...when you change your individual role or part everyone around you is prompted to change there's too. This can be for the betterment (back on script) or detriment (off script). If you change your role or the part you are playing, everyone is forced to make a choice in how they react. It would be a struggle to continue to follow the same script when you've made an adjustment within your role or part.

I invite each of us to go inward and examine the role and part that you are playing, to examine your heart. Ask yourself whether you are playing out your role and your part with intention. What is that intention? Is it in alignment with God, with your purpose and your script?

An easy way to gauge whether you are on script, on purpose, is whether your intention and related choices come from a place of love or a place of fear. Fear offers up a lot of excuses and "buts". It's often disguised as love...love for self, or for a certain group of individuals, or as a way that will somehow eventually lead to love. Ultimately though it's fear and only leads to more fear.

Have you been asking yourself what's up with the year 2020? I know I have. The pandemic, racism, sexism, protests, uncertainty, the election, just to name a few key topics. People are hurting, change and healing is needed. Change and healing can begin by an inward examination and outward expression of our true script. A script that is on purpose and in alignment with God, with love and with our soul.

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Do You Procrastinate?

8/18/2020

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Do you procrastinate? Most of us do for at least periods of time each day. In one study of 2,219 participants, 88% of them indicated that they procrastinate for at least one hour each day. Even highly driven and accomplished people can be procrastinators.

Procrastination is often confused with laziness, but they are different. Procrastination is an active process of choosing to do something else instead of the task that you know you should be doing. In contrast, laziness suggests apathy, inactivity and an unwillingness to act. Procrastination usually involves ignoring an unpleasant, but likely more important task, in favor of one that is more enjoyable or easier.

Even minor procrastination can make us feel guilty or ashamed and can lead to reduced productivity and cause us to not achieve our goals. If we procrastinate over a long period of time, we can become demotivated and disillusioned, which can lead to depression and even job loss, in extreme cases.

Procrastination is a habit and if you understand how it shows up, you can make the choice to replace it with a better one. The first step to making a better choice is to recognize that you’re procrastinating...having the self-awareness to identify that you are making the choice to procrastinate.

The second step is to understand why. It's helpful to understand the reason(s) why you are procrastinating and allow that to help you strategize on how to change it. Here are some common reasons why people procrastinate:

The task seems boring or unpleasant
Disorganization
The task seems overwhelming
Worried about failure, doubt your abilities
Fear of success and potentially having more tasks added to your plate
Have a need for perfection

Below are some strategies to help to break the habit of procrastination. Habits only stop being habits when you avoid practicing them, so try as many strategies as possible to give yourself the best possible chance of succeeding.

Commit to the task. Write down the tasks that you need to complete, and specify a time for doing them. Set weekly and daily "To Do Lists" that are prioritized with the 2-3 most critical tasks first.
Aim to due the most unpleasant tasks first thing, every day. Get those tasks that you find least pleasant out of the way first. This gives you the rest of the day to focus on work that you find more enjoyable.
Break large tasks down into smaller more manageable chunks. Focus on starting them, rather than on finishing them. Consider setting a timer for short manageable periods of time and go hard at it for reasonable time blocks.
Promise yourself a reward. If you complete a difficult task on time, reward yourself and then work to savor the positive feeling.
Ask someone to check up on you. Have an anti-procrastination buddy.
Temptation bundle. Only do a thing you love while also doing a thing you procrastinate on. For example, listen to podcast (something you like) while running on the treadmill (something you don't like).
Act as you go. Tackle tasks as soon as they arise, rather than letting them build up. I love the concept of...touch it once.
Rephrase your internal dialog. The phrases "need to" and "have to," for example, imply that you have no choice in what you do. This can make you feel disempowered. Saying, "I choose to," implies that you own a project, and can make you feel more in control.
Minimize distractions. Turn off your email and social media, and avoid sitting anywhere near a television.

Our brain has a natural tendency to value immediate reward versus future reward. Our present self and future self are typically at odds with each. Make it as easy as possible for your present self to get started, the motivation and momentum will come with productive action.

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Do You Forgive Yourself?

8/4/2020

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Do you work on forgiving yourself or are you holding onto past experiences and sabotaging the present? A lot of times we hold onto things, continue to ruminate, and beat ourselves up about things that we’ve done or said in the past. It’s hard to love yourself when you are not feeling lovable because of your actions.

Self-forgiveness is not about letting yourself off the hook. The act of forgiveness, whether you are forgiving yourself or someone who has wronged you, also does not mean that you are condoning the behavior. It means that you accept the behavior, you accept what has happened, and you are willing to move past it and move on with your life without ruminating over past events that cannot be changed.

Here are some key steps to move toward self-forgiveness:

Face what you have done and admit your mistake. Discontinue making excuses, rationalizing, or justifying your actions in order to make them seem acceptable. Acknowledge and process your emotions. Give yourself permission to recognize and accept your feelings.
Make amends, even with yourself. Forgiving yourself is more likely to stick when you feel like you've earned it. Apologize if it’s called for and look for ways that you can make it up to whomever you’ve hurt. Make an effort to right your wrongs. Seeking forgiveness and forgiving yourself go hand in hand. Ask for forgiveness, however, forgiving yourself should never be contingent on what the other person chooses, says or does.
Forgiving yourself requires us to find a way to learn from the experience and grow as a person. To do this, you need to understand why you behaved the way you did. Reflect on the lessons learned and focus on the changes you’ve made to not repeat the scenario. Reminding yourself that you did the best you could with the tools and knowledge you had at the time.
Acknowledge the mistake out loud and what you’ve learned from it. When you give voice to the thoughts in your head and the emotions in your heart, it helps to free yourself from some of the burden. It also helps to imprint in your mind what you learned from your actions and consequences.
Hindsight bias…This is the feeling that you should’ve been able to predict, and therefore avoid, a negative outcome. It’s the tendency to view events as more predictable than they really are. People often recall their predictions before the event as much stronger than they actually were. Remember that hindsight is always 20/20. Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.
Keep in mind that forgiveness is a process, not an event.
Stop yourself anytime that you are ruminating or engaging in negative self-talk. Change your belief system about yourself. Work intentionally to let it go and surrender it. Once you make the choice to forgive yourself and you’re ready to not feel guilty, embarrassed, etc. than it’s about walking the walk.

Exercising self-compassion key throughout the forgiveness process. One way to do it is to have a conversation with your inner critic. Write out a “conversation” between you and your inner critic. This can help identify thought patterns that are sabotaging your ability to forgive yourself. On one side of a piece of paper write down what your inner critic says. On the other side of the paper, write a self-compassionate and rational response for each thing you wrote on the other side of the paper.

Any time you start to ruminate immediately stop yourself and reframe it and purposely think of something more constructive or positive. Say something like:

I have forgiven myself and learned from my mistake.
That’s the old story here’s the new story…
That doesn’t apply to me anymore.
Up until now…
I’m learning and growing each day and I love and accept myself.

Once I started easing up on myself in this way, I found myself being able to ease up on others. I realized that what I needed, so did they. If I had made mistakes and deserved to be forgiven, so do they.

In other words, if I could let go of my resentments and judgments of myself, I could and should let go of my resentments and judgments of others and just plain move on, instead of staying stuck.

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The Art Of Empowerment

7/28/2020

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Every day we have the opportunity to either empower or disempower the people in our life. Whether you're a parent, a partner, or a leader within an organization we all have the opportunity to help others thrive and flourish or to diminish their self-esteem and confidence.

Here are my top 3 tips on how we can empower others to thrive and create their best life.

1. Attitudes are Contagious
One of the biggest things you can do to empower others is to have the right attitude. Being mindful of how you show up and how you respond and react is extremely important. The most empowering people are mindful of their attitude and their moods. They are emotionally intelligent and lead with self-awareness and self-control.

Our belief system is vital as well...do you believe in the greatness of the other person? What are the expectations that you carry around in your head about them? Is it positive and empowering, or is it an expectation of disappointment? Keeping our expectations and our belief systems in check is necessary to truly being able to empower others, they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is true for our children, co-workers and others in our life.

2. Greatest Need
The greatest need we each have is for love and acceptance, to belong, for self-esteem...a sense of being important, valuable and worthwhile. Without this, fear takes over and paralyzes our potential. Our interactions with others can either boost or diminish self-esteem.

As Dale Carnegie said, "Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement." We tend to focus on other's weaknesses and things that they aren't doing well. We each have the magical power of simply providing encouragement. When we encourage others to use their strengths in a new way each day, happiness is increased, and happiness and success go hand-in-hand. Sharing with people what their strengths are goes a long way toward building them up and allowing them to shine. Become a radical encourager by helping others to focus on their strengths.

3. Appreciation
Most people typically feel unappreciated and under-valued. Handing out lots of praise and appreciation is a great empowering strategy. Boosting people up, valuing them, giving them a shout out, praising them about a strength they posses and how they are using it. This quick habit is a powerful way to inspire happiness and a deep sense of confidence.

According to relationship researcher John Gottman, the optimal ratio within intimate relationships is 5 to 1. This means that for every one negative feeling or interaction between partners, there must be five positive feelings or interactions.

Within teams or groups of people working together, we have a ratio of 3 to 1. This is the minimum ratio of positive to negative interactions necessary to make a team successful. This means it takes about three positive comments, experiences, or expressions to fend off the effects of just one negative. Dip below this tipping point, known as the Losada Line, and performance quickly suffers. Rise above it...Ideally, the research shows to a ratio of 6 to 1 and teams produce their very best work. This is how important praise and appreciation are within relationships.
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Our interactions with others can either help them to feel empowered or disempowered. When people feel empowered they believe in themselves and their ability to achieve their highest potential and lead the lives of their dreams.

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Judging

7/21/2020

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Do you struggle with judging yourself and others? I've been working on judgment for a while now and I'm still amazed at how quickly my brain shifts into judgment. What I've come to realize is that it's one thing to have a judgmental thought, but the shift is to no longer believe them.

In Gabrielle Bernstein's book Judgment Detox, judgment is defined as a separation from love. She states, "The moment that we see ourselves as separate from anyone else, we detour into a false belief system that is out of alignment with our true nature, which is love." Gabby suggests that we all have the same problem, that we have separated from love and that the solution is to return to love.

Being judgmental comes from a place of ego. Our ego operates from a place of fear. It thinks it's helping us to survive and protecting us. The ego loves to judge, to cast blame and find fault.

Judgment causes us to get stuck in a cycle, an addictive habit-forming pattern. It temporarily makes us feel better about ourselves, but ultimately makes feel bad. Judgment lowers our vibration and our energy and it makes us feel alone. Gossip is a great example, it can give us a temporary high until we crash with a judgment hangover.

According to Gabby, "The way out of judgment begins when you witness the judgment without more judgment. When we look at our judgment with love, we can begin the healing process. We have to see clearly the ways in which we separate from love, and we have to get honest about the dark corners of our mind." We all have those dark corners of our mind don't we?

For me the beginning of my way out of judgment began with recognizing and understanding fear and through the practices of empathy and self-compassion. Bringing awareness to and being mindful of my judgments, not just blindly going about life without concern for them. Then moving into the practice of empathy with the understanding that everyone has their own lens through which they see the world based on their life experiences, it is their truth. When I become aware that I am judging myself, I exercise self-compassion.

Mindfulness, awareness, empathy and self-compassion are key tools that I've been using to release judgmental thoughts. It's also been helpful for me to relinquish the need to judge, the need to cast something as either right or wrong. Just relieving myself of the "responsibility" of judging and needing to blame or put someone or something in a column of either being right or being wrong.

We often misinterpret reality, we misinterpret another person, misinterpret a situation. We misinterpret things because we see them through the conditioning of our own mind. You see it through your beliefs, your experiences, your childhood, etc. The ego loves to make someone wrong, to judge them. The ego creates a narrative that strengthens the more your tell it. Fictitious narratives spinning around in our head as reality.

I am a work in progress. Everyday setting the intention to break the addictive cycle of judgment against myself and others. Life is happier and more peaceful when we can let go of the "responsibility" of judging.

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Brilliant Light

7/14/2020

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“If you look deep within, you will find a brilliant light. Too many, far too many, squint and turn away from the shine. Let your eyes adjust, and bathe in the radiance." ~ Unknown

At times in my life I have let circumstances determine how bright I would shine my light. You know the familiar song that you may have learned in church, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine"? The bible references light in several areas. In John 8:12 it says, "Then spoke Jesus again to them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that follows me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." God created us all with light, we are all lightworkers.

I also believe that no one can steal your light, dim it or take it away, only you can dim your own light. As Gabrielle Bernstein says, "Be a mirror reflection for the light, rather than a sponge for the darkness. Your job is not to soak up and absorb the negativity, your job is to stay grounded and committed to the light. Do not try to fight the darkness, just stay committed to the light, to forgiveness, to love, to nonjudgement, to compassion, to empathy."

I love staying committed to the light and not fighting the darkness. Focusing on what I want, rather than focus on what I don't want. I'm a big believer that thoughts, feelings and beliefs become things, so if I focus my energy (my thoughts, feelings, beliefs) on the darkness than I'm creating more negativity. Where attention goes, energy flows.

I don't prefer to focus on the concept of 'fighting' at all. Focusing on fighting, even if the ultimate goal is admirable, in my opinion brings forth more fighting. That being said, it can be necessary to shine light on a problem and bring attention and awareness to it, then we can shine light on the solution.

I don't choose to focus my attention on evil, the devil, or satan either. I often hear people referencing and giving energy to the devil, or to evil, and needing to fight it. I personally don't prefer to give any power, energy, thought or feeling to darkness. I don't prefer to energize the darkness, I choose to stay committed to the light.

We are human and sometimes we may sink into the darkness, but my goal is to live in the light with just moments of darkness versus live in the darkness with just moments of light.

All it takes is a spark, one spark to bring forth the light. You are a lightworker and I am a lightworker and the world needs us to radiate our light out to each other. Choose to shine yours, choose to shine it bright. Focus on reflecting the light versus absorbing the darkness. Focus on the thoughts and feelings that cause your light to illuminate greater...love, forgiveness, compassion, empathy, gratitude. Let your light glisten and shimmer and dance out across the world.

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Curiosity Killed The Cat

7/7/2020

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You've probably heard the phrase "Curiosity killed the cat" at some point growing up. Most likely in response to the endless questions that are typically posed by a young child. Why? Why? Why? I can still hear it ringing in my ears from when my children were much younger.

We are also conditioned to not question authority, to not question society, to not question the status quo, to not question our teachers, our leaders, our elders, our politicians, etc. To some degree we stop questioning, stop being curious, stop learning.

On some level maybe we don't want to give away that it's something we don't already know. To be curious implies that we don't already have all of the answers. Or, is it that as adults we don't have the time to be curious? We are so busy with our lives and running on the hamster wheel that we simply don't have the time, capacity, desire to engage in the effort of being curious.

Film and television producer Brian Grazer in his book, A Curious Mind: The Secret to a Bigger Life, shares his ideas on expanding our curiosity, a trait he attributes to his success and says should be as much a part of our culture as creativity and innovation. Brian made a decision early on in his career to seek out "curiosity conversations" with at least one new person each day. He stresses how all of us can benefit from this practice of stepping outside our comfort zones.

Brian shares examples of how these "curiosity conversations" helped his career, opened up doors for him, and caused him to be a more connected and interesting person. I love the idea of engaging in curiosity conversations. Conversations where we are just really trying to connect with another human being and learn about them, their life, their interests, their passions, their career, their thoughts, their opinions. What an easy and powerful way to gain awareness of our world, gain perspective, see life through another lens, gain empathy, gain knowledge.

Here's another way to look at the concept of holding "curiosity conversations"...We've all had conversations with people where we walk away feeling good about the person, like they heard us, were interested in us. On the flip side, we've all had conversations where we walked away and felt like we were "talked to", not understood, not heard, or where the person wasn't really present. I aspire for my interactions with people to end with them feeling acknowledged versus disregarded. We've all felt the difference.

The concept of leading a curious life appeals to me. I don't want to squelch my curiosity or that of others. I don't want to just follow the status quo, or what someone, or what society tells me I should be thinking or asking about. I choose to not be so busy all the time that I don't have a few minutes to engage in a real conversation.

It's important for us to explore, to question, to engage in life. Be curious about other people, be curious about where our food comes from, be curious about our spirituality, be curious about other cultures and races, be curious about what our heart is telling us, be curious about our purpose, the list is endless. I invite each of us to engage in more "curiosity conversations". See what opens up to you as you get more curious about life.

Sidenote:
Everyone knows that, despite its supposed nine lives, curiosity killed the cat. Well, not quite. The 'killed the cat' proverb originated as 'care killed the cat'. By 'care' the coiner of the expression meant 'worry/sorrow' rather than our more usual contemporary 'look after/provide for' meaning. Now that I can get onboard with...Worry killed the cat :)

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Season Of Change

Before You Speak...

Centering Morning Prayer

What Role Will You Play?

Do You Procrastinate?

Do You Forgive Yourself?

The Art Of Empowerment

Judging

Brilliant Light

Curiosity Killed The Cat

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