Braving the Hot Mess - Blog

Embracing Emotional Agility Vs. Emotional Rigidity

8/2/2021

If on average we speak 16,000 words each day, just imagine how many unspoken ones float through our minds every day! Most of these thoughts are not facts but rather perceptions and judgments entangled with emotions...some of these are positive while others are considered negative.

Messaging out in the world typically centers around being positive, that difficult thoughts and feelings have no place in our life. Research, however, has proven that attempting to minimize or ignore thoughts and emotions only amplifies them.

Author, psychologist, and executive coach Susan David introduces a concept that she terms “emotional agility,” defined as: “being flexible with your thoughts and feelings so that you can respond optimally to everyday situations.” In contrast to this ability is “emotional rigidity,” or the tendency to “get hooked by thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that don’t serve you.”

As Susan David states, "Emotional agility is not about ignoring difficult emotions and thoughts; it's about holding them loosely, facing them courageously and compassionately, and then moving past them to make big things happen in your life." The ability to manage one’s thoughts and feelings is essential to success. Emotional agility helps to alleviate stress, reduce errors, increase innovative, and improve job performance.

Susan David presents a four-step model to building greater emotional agility:

1. Show up and face your emotions with curiosity and acceptance. Even though you may be tempted to ignore the uncomfortable ones, face them anyway, this clears the way for positive change.

2. Step out and detach from your emotions. This detachment will enable you to feel more autonomous over your actions and decisions. See them for what they are, simply emotions, not who you are. In doing so, label them as accurately as possible, this will help you to better understand their causes and what to do about them.

3. Walking your why. Use your core values to drive you forward. When deciding on what action to take, ask yourself whether this decision reflects your core values and long term goals.

4. Moving on. In moving forward, make small, purposeful adjustments to align your mindset, motivation and habits with your core values. Make sure that these adjustments are connected to who you want to be in your life.

As Susan David says, “We reach emotional agility…through a series of tiny steps in everyday moments over the course of a lifetime.” Being aware and intentional with our choices and remembering that we can always choose again.

To learn more about emotional agility consider Susan David's book Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life.

Managing Your Energy

7/27/2021

You know how sometimes you know something but you don't act on it? For example, you know it's important to eat healthy foods, but you make it to the end of the day and your choices don't reflect it. Or, you know that being reactionary isn't in alignment with how you want to lead your life, but you go ahead and react anyway.

I haven't been doing a great job at times with acting on what I know, and at times I've done a really poor job. In particular when it comes to managing my energy when I'm being triggered. I needed some reminders and decided to share them in this week's post because we all can use reminders from time to time.

An important part of my energy practice includes bookending my day with intention. For me ideally this includes a gratitude practice, prayer, meditation, Reiki and gentle stretching. For others it may also include journaling, yoga, reading, envisioning, etc.

Another key to my energy practice is using tools to help shift my energy when needed. Do you know how to and practice shifting your energy? There are many ways to shift energy, having options in my toolbox has been important for me to living an intentional life.

Gratitude is one of my key energy shifter tools. I practice gratitude as part of my morning and bedtime routine, but also mindfully throughout the day. I love how my view on life, the lens through which I see the world, has shifted since bookending my day with gratitude. It's also really helpful way for me to keep my energy in alignment with my intention throughout the day.

Another energy shifter tool that I frequently use is putting my hand over my heart and focusing on filling my heart space up with love and gratitude. I then take that energy and intentionally push it out into the universe by inhaling deeply and on the exhale envisioning sending out that feeling of love and gratitude into the world. When I'm experiencing challenging emotions this is one of my go to tools.

I also love using the STOP technique as an energy shifter. S...stop, T...take 3 deep breaths, O...observe how you feel and your environment, P...practice gratitude. Even just the practice of taking deep breaths helps to shift our energy and affords us the opportunity to respond in a mindful way.

Everything is energy, we are made of energy and all energy is entangled, It may look like my body has an end and your body has a beginning and that we are separate, but we really are not. My cells and energy and the energy field around me co-mingles with your energy and your energy field. There is really no place where I end and you begin.

The conscious mind is all energy. Thoughts are energy, they can actually be energetically measured. The invisible force of energy is more powerful at shaping the physical realm than the physical realm itself. Consciousness is the shaper of the universe in which we live, thought is what shapes the world. Scientists are finding that energy is more important at shaping your biology than chemistry is, that has amazing implications to our overall health and well-being.

I invite you to practice being intentional about your energy and using shifters to stay in alignment throughout your day. By staying heart-centered and outwardly expressing love, kindness and gratitude you are shifting energy and positively shaping the world.

Are You Searching For The Right Partner? Or, Are You Searching For The Right Relationship?

7/19/2021

Most people spend energy searching for the ‘right person’ to partner with. They create a checklist of characteristics and qualities they’re looking for in another person (either in their head or written on paper). Although this can be a useful step in the process, taking this approach is missing a very important part of the equation.

A relationship consists of two people coming together to form a union that is its own separate entity. There’s you, there’s them, and then there’s the relationship...both of you together. What qualities are you looking for in this ‘right relationship'?

Relationships are the most difficult human venture. It takes effort in order for them to thrive and meet the needs of its members. Establishing a framework, principles for the relationship, is critical to creating a partnership where the entity and its creators can flourish. Because, if we're pointing in different directions we're not going to be harmonious.

Building awareness around the following will help to create this framework:

Holding as a priority growing as individuals and as a partnership.
Cultivating emotional safety within the relationship.
A commitment to communication and compromise.
An understanding of and a commitment to nourishing the strengths and maneuvering through the challenges of the partnership.
Identifying core relationship values, terms and agreements and the devotion to holding them as sacred.

This does not give consideration to everything a relationship needs in order to flourish, but it gives some ideas to ponder within your own relationships. Giving importance to this additional step can make all the difference in whether your relationships can withstand the test of time in a harmonious and fulfilling way.

Honoring your partner's needs and the relationship needs takes awareness and devotion. This is what we do, this is what we don't do, and holding each other to it. Choice by choice we can either due harm to our relationships or we can heal them.

The Energy Of Love

6/29/2021

What do you do when you are experiencing something that seems loveless on the surface? Do you approach the experience with the energy of fear or the energy of love?

Fear is the opposite of love. Marianne Williamson in her book A Return to Love says, " Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the relinquishment, or unlearning, of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts. Love casts out sin or fear the way light casts out darkness."

Fear is unbelief, it is rooted in self. Fear is synonymous with ego. Ego is that fear-based voice that shows up and keeps us small and keeps us stuck.

In the book, The Knowing, the authors write, "If someone squeezed you , what would come out? If you are in a situation in which there is a conflict, what will come out of you? Is it love or fear, anger or hatred? Whatever you carry around within you is what emerges when you are in difficult situations, or when you are 'squeezed,' so become a person that only has love to give ... carry that inside, and only that."

The authors go on to say, "Every situation can be perceived as an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. The choice is ultimately yours. In every conflict that arises in your life, ask yourself, 'Am I coming from a place of love?' Even in situations where we do not feel a person deserves our love, we are challenged to get to a point in our lives where we come from love not because someone else deserves or doesn't deserve it but because love is all we are in ourselves, and therefore it is all we have to give away."

So, what you can do when you are feeling 'squeezed' and something other than love is coming up for you? This can be challenging depending on the experience and our triggers. I'm a big believer in the power of journaling and it can really helpful in this situation.

When you are experiencing something that is causing you to feel hurt/upset/disappointed, etc. consider writing a letter to the problem. Through the act of writing a lot of times we gain clarity and inspiration, or simply relief from the ability to "vent" it out and express it on paper. Writing can help to shift the energy of the problem and start the healing process instead of us getting stuck in the challenge.

Next time you are experiencing a challenge, consider using journaling as a tool for the energy of love to be squeezed out of you. The more you practice it the stronger your love muscle will become and the more the energy of love and harmony will come forth.

I Am Enough

6/22/2021

This week I want to share with you an important and impactful daily practice that I learned from Brene Brown's book Braving The Wilderness. It goes hand-in-hand with some affirmations that I also love to use (more on these later).

Here is Brene's recommended daily practice, "Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don't belong. You will always find it because you've made that your mission. Stop scouring people's faces for evidence that you're not enough. You will always find it because you've made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don't negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you."

Do you consider yourself to be your worst critic? Many of us are hard on ourselves, probably a lot harsher than anyone else (most of the time anyway). We often take this self criticism and reflect it outward by looking for confirmation from others that we don't belong, or that we are not enough. It then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I still sometimes get caught up in bashing myself for things I wish I wouldn't have done or said from decades ago. Things I can in no way change and that no one, besides myself, is even remembering let alone thinking about anymore.

What if we quit walking around each day looking for reasons that we don't belong or that we're not good enough? What would life look like?

There are a few affirmations that I've worked with over the years that have helped me walk through life with a different mindset. The first one is super simple, it's "I am enough." That's it, short and sweet, "I am enough." Repeating it over and over to myself until it sinks into my bones.

The second one is a little longer, but it carries with it magic. This one is thanks to my friend Haywood Simmons. It goes like this, "I am enough and I bring creative solutions wherever I go." When I'm faced with a challenge this is my go to affirmation. Repeating it over and over to myself until it seeps into my bones..."I am enough and I bring creative solutions wherever I go."

This simple "I am enough" affirmation can be modified however it works for you. It's a powerful reminder that we belong and we are enough, just the way we are...perfectly and uniquely imperfect. Just the way God created us to be.

Imagine how we might show up for the world if we were all feeling adequate. Imagine if our mindset was in place to believe that we were enough and could bring creative solutions wherever we went. What might be possible if we felt whole and complete? What if we didn't let our own fear take over and rule us? Imagine the possibilities.

I invite you to give it a try. Walk through the world with affirmations of being enough and stop looking for confirmation that you are not. See how you feel. I would love to hear how it goes!

It's Ok

6/9/2021

Recently on America's Got Talent TV show, Jane 'Nightbirde' Marczewski performed her original song "It's OK" and received the Golden Buzzer moving her into the next round. Maybe you saw the show or saw it posted on social media like I did.

Nightbirde has been battling cancer for several years and has been told that she has a 2% chance of survival. She has an absolutely angelic voice to go along with her amazing attitude and inspiring song lyrics.

When one of the judges commented that, "nobody would ever know" she was dealing with cancer, Nightbirde replied, "Thank you. It's important that everyone know that I'm so much more than the bad things that happen to me."

The judges also commented on how authentic and heartfelt the song was in sharing her journey. She told the judges something profound, she said, "You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you decide to be happy." Reread that and let it sink in for a moment.

What's happening in your life that is hard and possibly keeping you from deciding to be happy? It's okay to have times where we acknowledge and feel the pain of hardship, but it can be easy to sink into, and get stuck in, those feelings and decide not to be happy because of it.

The chorus of the song states, "it's okay if you're lost, we're all a little lost and it's all right." This is a great mantra to carry with us. We're all a work in progress, we all feel lost at times, but it's okay. We can carry on and move our way through the darkness toward the light and in the process find joy, have faith, hope and a knowing that ultimately we are okay.

The reason Jane changed her stage name to Nightbirde is also inspiring. She indicated that she had the same dream multiple nights in a row where birds were singing outside her bedroom window in the dark. While the first two times were, in fact, dreams, the third time ended up being real. "The birds were singing as if it was morning but there was really no sign of the light yet," she noted. "And I wanted to embody that. Being somebody that could sing through a dark time because I was so full of hope and assurance that there would be a morning."

Her message embodies a lightness, an airy sense of being able to breathe and not hold too tightly onto the hard stuff. It's as though the words just float in the air with a feather like essence. Capturing this lightness and breathing gently through the challenges is something I invite each of us to practice.

If you're interested in watching her audition, here it is www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZJvBfoHDk0.

Do You Live A Congruent Life?

6/8/2021

Have you heard Tony Robbins speak about congruent living? He says, “Your life changes the moment you make a new, congruent, and committed decision.”

We like being around people who live congruently, don’t we? Those people whose words, actions and decisions are in alignment. We notice they live their lives with consistency, congruency, and we like being around them because their energy is balanced and magnetic. We may even comment on their integrity and hear others do the same.

To be congruent means to be honest and have your nonverbal communication in alignment with your verbal communication.

Someone who lives with congruency acts in alignment with their dreams, beliefs, values, mission and goals. They don’t let others affect their approach to the world. They take their own unique path paved by self-awareness.

Congruency means living on purpose, but first you must know your purpose and ...

understand what it is you stand for and are passionate about adding to this world.
set your life up so that you can act in alignment with these beliefs on a daily basis.

Knowing what you want and believe in is then demonstrated through your words and actions. This leads to being around more similar people, which leads to more doors opening thus creating opportunities. This will begin to happen in both a conscious and subconscious manner. It’s fascinating to witness!

This is why I'm so passionate about the Mission Possible program that my sister and I developed. The program highlights the importance of identifying your values, defining your mission, establishing goals, and working through limiting beliefs that keep you from being congruent. Contact me if you're interested in learning more.

The Lies That We Are Living

6/1/2021

Are you living inside lies? I think many of us at least to some degree are living a lie. What I mean by that is we are not living as our true authentic self, but rather as our false self. We are not living our truth.

An example of the false self is whatever face of the ego at a young age you thought you had to adopt and live out in order to get love and worth ... the people pleaser, the super achiever, the savior, etc. This isn't who you really are, it's the mask that you wear to get love, attention and worth. We do this because we have bought into the notion that we are unworthy. This false self doesn't come from deep inner truth, it comes from desperation.

These ego disguises and defenses keep us feeling dislocated, frustrated, victimized and unsatisfied. It's not until we deconstruct the lies and stop subscribing to the mandate that we are unworthy and lesser than when we can cultivate an internal sense of worth. By allowing yourself to step into your authentic self we can find meaning and growth.

Bit by bit, whisper by whisper your higher self nudges you to dare to be authentic, to have the courage to live your truth. It can be scary because society is playing into the lie and will devour your spirit until you find the courage to deconstruct the lies and break free.

We can go beyond the ego through self awareness - awareness of our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and speech. Through awareness we begin to move beyond the ego to the true self. Awareness is a huge step toward making shifts. Paying attention, being mindful of how we feel, what we are thinking, what we are saying and how we are behaving.

Ask yourself ... Who am I without my roles, my possessions, my identities? Facing this and letting go of the false self allows us to step into the authentic self that we left behind as a child.

Remembering that you are something of essence, not something of substance. That you are a child of God with limitless possibilities. Remembering that we are powerful creators and that we are perfectly imperfect beings. That we are not our thoughts or feelings, that we are a spirit having a human experience. Remembering so that we can live our truth.

Do You Want To Be More Productive?

5/24/2021

Do you wish that you could be more productive? That you could work through your day with more ease, more focus, more energy and feel a sense of accomplishment?

I've been practicing some techniques on how to better manage our brain. These techniques come from a number of sources, but mainly from a wonderful resource called the Global Stress Summit. Leaders in the fields of neuroscience, behavioral science, stress and performance management came together to share the latest research, ideas and techniques for how to optimally manage your time, stress and brain power to maximize your performance.

There are 3 main concepts that I want to share with you in this post. The first 2 are higher level and center around our beliefs and discipline. The 3rd one gets into the nitty gritty detail of how to manage our daily tasks for optimal brain efficiency.

Our beliefs matter
Highly effective people believe that they have enough time every day, every week, and every month to get all of the critical, important and urgent things done.

We are all creating all the time, but most of us don’t know it. When you create, you do it through what you think, feel, and act on. And what you think, feel, and act on is driven by what you believe.

Creation in action is demonstrated by the Mindset Wheel. Your beliefs govern your thoughts, your thoughts guide your actions, your actions produce your experiences, and your experiences reinforce your beliefs. When these belief-thought-action cycles become ingrained, they turn into habits...things you do over and over without consciously thinking about them.

The way you think, feel, and act in any given situation is linked to your belief system. These beliefs control what you experience in your reality. So being aware of what you believe is critical. What we put our attention and energy to appreciates. If we believe we don't have enough time then guess what? We probably won't have enough time. If we believe that we will have enough time then we are more likely to have enough time.

Everyone is disciplined
John Assaraf, CEO of NeuroGym and a brain researcher says, "Everyone is disciplined. You are 100% disciplined to the habits that you've become accustomed to. The question is, are you disciplined to the right things?" I love this. It's not that I lack discipline, I'm just may not disciplined to the right things. That can be a huge mind shift.

Now I can take a look at the things that I am disciplined to and make intentional shifts and changes to more optimal habits.

The Why and How of Task Management
Do you have endless tasks and to do lists floating around in your head? Your brain has limitations as to how much it can process in any given point in time. You also have a limited amount of working memory. Your conscious working memory can only hold about 3 to 4 items at any given time and then it gets overloaded.

The key is to take all of the tasks that are floating around in your head that you want to accomplish and get them down on paper and out of your head. Write it down, organize it and prioritize it. From that list take the top 2 to 3 that have to get done. That you MUST get done. Focus on the critical few versus the trivial many. The less you burn your brain's working memory by trying to juggle a bunch of things/ideas the more you're going to be able to use it for thinking.

Another thing to be aware of is that our brains don't process how long tasks are going to take very well. When you think of how long a task is going to take, your brain will automatically think of one shining example of where everything went right and use that as the example of how long a task will take. The reality is that you should double the length of time that your brain thinks it needs to complete a task. You are more likely to stay motivated if you have realistic goals that you can achieve. Keep this in mind as you decide the 2 to 3 tasks that you will accomplish each day.

Increase your productivity by, believing, being disciplined to the right things, and writing down and choosing 2 to 3 tasks each day to accomplish.

Are You Sure You're 'Stuck'?

5/17/2021

When challenges arise, when results aren’t happening fast enough, when self-doubt and fear derail your mind and spirit, do you know how to step back and do an internal diagnostic check-up?

Feeling stuck is nothing new … neither is getting unstuck, nor is it difficult. It is, however, intentional. Through self-awareness, we discover the triggers that contribute to feeling stuck and what we need to do to make a different choice. Ask yourself this … is the word ‘stuck’ even accurate?

Consider the flow of a river. It doesn’t always flow forward. Ebbs cause a river to flow backward, and so, a river both ebbs and flows. A recurrent and rhythmic pattern of coming and going or decline and regrowth … forever moving, not stuck, all part of the cycle of life. Similarly, our lives ebb and flow as well.

Sound familiar? Here are a few tips to consider implementing when you are feeling stuck.

Tip 1 - Where Attention Goes Energy Flows
When you truly aspire to do something, people and forces align to support you. To create the ‘flow’ to make this happen, consider giving your time and attention to what you truly desire. It’s easy to become distracted in today’s world. Although it’s important to be informed, it can become an unhealthy addiction.

Being constantly connected to our devices and the chaos in the world can block your connection to ‘flow’ and cause you to feel stuck. Time slips away and your forward progress can be derailed, not only leaving you feeling stuck, but even making you feel ‘less than’. So, ask yourself, where are you putting your attention?

Tip 2 - Say A Prayer
The river’s current is strongest and most powerful at its source. Like a river, ‘flow’ is most powerful at its Source as well. When feeling stuck, just call out a prayer similar to this one … I’m grateful for your guidance. Guide me toward the ‘flow’. Then sit in stillness, witness God’s presence and listen for the guidance. Being still and turning the volume down allows us to hear the still, small voice of God guiding us.

Prayer is the attention of the heart, and what we give the attention of our heart to matters deeply, because we become what we pay attention to. Whenever you feel ‘stuck’, it’s a call to turn inwards and reconnect to your source of power. When you connect back to your internal compass, you’ll always feel more grounded in your external reality.

Tip 3 - Let Go
In his book, The War of Art, Steven Pressfield writes, “We must do our work for its own sake, not for fortune or attention or applause. Do it as an offering to God.” This is what it means to let go, to surrender. Be intentional about doing the work and let go of the outcome.

Letting go can feel scary. We are biologically wired to want comfort and control and, if they are missing, we quickly feel stuck. When we perform actions and don’t see the immediate results we desire, it causes a perceived lack of control. Let go of the resistance, be in alignment with and open to the blessings that are flowing your way.